Is this an acceptable thing to ask for?

**~clover~** · December 18th, 2012, 09:04 PM

Ex & his gf are possibly going through a miscarriage. From what I've been told she was lucky to conceive to start with due to endo (don't know anymore than that).
He called me last night for advice. As much as I really don't care about him, I do feel for this poor young girl who may be losing her baby.

She's around 6/7 weeks & he told the kids about it a week ago. I'm faced with the possibility of having to break this news to my kids & I'm really worried... It wasn't really something important to them yet, they know these things take time, but I can see the older girls being pretty upset.

Is it acceptable for me to ask ex to keep any future pregnancies from the kids til its past a viable stage? Like 12 weeks, as some people do?

I've not gone through the heart break of a miscarriage myself, so I have no real idea of the emotions she'd be going through, or how something like this would be taken. I just don't think the kids need that heart ache if this does happen again.

Ex is twisted enough to tell them anyway, purely because I asked him not too, but I do want thoughts from people who've been in her position before I ask that of them.

**Calluna** · December 18th, 2012, 09:18 PM

I dont think thats unreasonable. But I would wait a while before you mention it.

**Yas** · December 18th, 2012, 09:20 PM

God, he's trying for more kids when he doesn't even take care of the four beautiful children he has? Pathetic.
Big

Hun, I think it's a totally reasonable request IMO. Your just trying to protect your kids.
Big

**~clover~** · December 18th, 2012, 09:46 PM

I'll wait, but I think its only a matter of time before this news comes about again.

Yas - all I will say is that I do believe in Karma. He shouldn't be having anymore kids. Ever. And it has nothing to do with supporting them, its the way he treats them :/ But I wouldn't wish the loss of a baby on anyone...

**LionsandBears** · December 19th, 2012, 05:00 AM

That's totally reasonable.

if the kids are upset, would it help them if you explained that early miscarriages are common? Yes, it's very sad because people fall in love with their baby, but that a lot of the time, something goes wrong at the start, so the baby won't make it. It's nobody's fault. It's just a way for Mother Nature to ensure most babies are born healthy..... Or whatever is age appropriate.

That way, if it happens again and he tells them early, they may not get as emotionally invested, ITMS. Especially as they live quite a distance away.

**RhiChiChi** · December 19th, 2012, 05:50 AM

That's totally reasonable.

if the kids are upset, would it help them if you explained that early miscarriages are common? Yes, it's very sad because people fall in love with their baby, but that a lot of the time, something goes wrong at the start, so the baby won't make it. It's nobody's fault. It's just a way for Mother Nature to ensure most babies are born healthy..... Or whatever is age appropriate.

That way, if it happens again and he tells them early, they may not get as emotionally invested, ITMS. Especially as they live quite a distance away.

Totaly agree with L&B

**~clover~** · December 19th, 2012, 08:09 AM

Thanks guys. I am planning to say pretty much that. And it may not be such a big deal to them anyway. But the older girls do understand these things alot better than the younger ones & they may be upset. They aren't really at the age where they can see the difference between an early embryo & a new born baby that was their brother or sister they were excited about.

I've never been there & I don't have anyone close to me who has either. So its not something they've ever heard about to know that it does happen.

When he told them they didn't even say anything to me when they got home. Just asked to go in the pool & that was that. So it might just get the same reaction.

**luna moth** · December 19th, 2012, 07:42 PM

Kids cope. Two kids close to me were told when I was 4 weeks, against my wishes, but then when we lost the baby at 12 weeks, they were briefly sad, but then quite ok with it. They were 8 and almost 6 at the time.

Your ex and his gf will probably make that choice not to tell them on their own. TBH I'd leave it, if your ex is a bit volatile.

**~clover~** · December 19th, 2012, 07:59 PM

I'd love to think that they will Audax, but he'd be more interested in telling them because that way I know about it, because him having another baby is all about getting back at me (I only say that because of how he acts, not because I'm bitter). She might decide that & he might agree, & I'd love to be able to leave it for them to decide, but I really feel like I need to say something... He has no interest in protecting the kids feelings. I really don't feel its my position to ask or suggest it, but I feel like the idea needs to be put in their heads somehow IYGWIM??

Maybe I'll have a chat to MIL about it. I have nothing to do with them, so it'd more than likely be taken the wrong way from me. Maybe its better coming from her. I know she'll understand where I'm coming from.

**2CheekyMonkeys** · December 20th, 2012, 05:30 AM

If he doesn't care about your kids needs he is gonna do what he wants regardless of what you say. I think you should not say anything to them because 1) she just lost a baby, will be emotional and sad as it is and that's probably not something she wants to deal with 2) it will cause dramas 3) he won't do what you want anyways. You can't change people, especially the not so mature ones so I think you should focus on your own children. Explain to them the facts and support them if they are sad. It will make them stronger in the long run. Plus they will cope better than you think.

**maybebaby2012** · December 20th, 2012, 06:02 AM

I would personally leave it. The choice of how, if and when a pregnancy news or loss is shared belongs to the couple, not anyone else. I think it would hurt after a loss to be told not to share incase you had another miscarriage, it's up to the couple to make that decision themselves and what they ate comfortable with sharing.
Children are likely to be exposed to all manner of things we wish to protect them from but I think it's our job as parents to support and navigate them through it rather than shield them from the reality of the world. DD (8) knew about our last loss and coped really well, better than I expected as she is a sensitive little soul. This time around I was scared to tell her and she has had far more questions, I wish that this wasn't our reality as a family but I think that she will be a wiser and more empathetic person because of it. Throughout my youth all I knew was that if you have sex, you end up pregnant (or with an std) so my fertility issues and loss were a massive shock to me in my 20s.

thread: Is this an acceptable thing to ask for?

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