Is It (Am I) Weird?

[Bumperstump Cummerbund]

I would've been 14 weeks today. I know that because I put a ticker on my blog the other day, counting down until my ex due date. I've even subscribed to the Belly Buddies group I should be in, and check it every day to see what the other women are going through.

Is that weird? Would it be stopping me from moving on?

I feel kind of.....out of touch with reality. I'm worried I might be mentally continuing a pregnancy that has already ended - and if I am, what happens on February 2nd? Does my brain explode?

I even want to put a ticker on Facebook, so my friends won't forget. I feel bad enough that I don't know when my other 2 were due, so I don't want to forget this one.

Is that weird?

[diannescruffy]

Oh hun, not weird at all. When I lost Emmanuel I would write down on a calendar how many wks I was until my due date. Wish I could take away your pain, and more to you.

Regards,
Dianne

[LimeSlice]

If it makes you feel any better, we are all different. I don't even KNOW the twins due date, never celebrated it, in fact went out of my way not to.
I have two ultrasound photos of them I keep in a book on my bookshelf, and that is it.
I don't think about "what if..." or "they would be..." unless something prompts me to do so - like this thread now, it surprises me how long ago it actually happened - they would be almost 6. But I have no emotional connection to that thought at all.

I love them dearly, but have faith in my Universe, I know there is a reason they didn't make it Earthside, and that is better to me than them living with issues, itms. So in my head, all is as it should be.

Took me 2 years to get there though, to accept that I had actually gone through it, deal with it, face it, not just push it aside and get on with life.
But I honestly, honestly, do not get the notion of celebrating due dates or thinking "I would have been x weeks pregnant" - it doesn't help me at all (totally understand though everyone is different, this is the point of my post )

I do think though that if you can recognise that what you are doing is preventing you from moving on, then that is an issue you need to deal with. Not sure how, but for me it was about accepting that there are reasons why pregnancies are aborted by the body, your body knows what it is doing, and not everything of nature is perfect, and that's ok too. In my case, they were conjoined twins.

[Tegam]

Oh all so different. I remember the day that i realised that id forgotten the dates. Heartbreaking, felt like the worlds worst mother...

Sounds like you are most of all screaming out for people not to forget as you never will. Im sorry to say but most people will forget and push you to do the same. Seems to be a myth in our society that says that its just a topic that is never discussed. Thats where BB is wonderful. You never have to forget here or feel 'weird'! everything is normal and right when you are the one feeling it!

Know that you have our support and are never allown in this journey!

[Miss.B]

Berenice, you are not weird hun! First of all, I'm sorry you've lost your wee Twinkle. Big hugs hun. When I lost Josh, I would also continue to write down how many weeks i would be on my calendar. I was doing it when Josh was still in my belly, and when he he wasn't there anymore, I kept going. For me it was honouring his memory and I wanted to keep going until his EDD, I guess I wasn't ready to let him 'go' just yet. My psych told me that by continuing with the calendar, I was still in my 'pregnancy' journey, and when his EDD arrived I would suddenly not feel pregnant anymore. It's so weird but I DID still feel pregnant right up until his EDD, and then when that arrived, I let him go. It was a strangely calm feeling, like he flew away then and not 4 and a half months earlier.
I'd say it's natural to want to know how you'd be feeling if you were still pg, at how many weeks etc. But at the same time, you won't be ready to start another journey if you wish so, until you let 'go' of Twinkle, and by that I don't mean by forgeting him, I mean by accepting your loss and dealing with it properly. Hun, we never forget our angels, ever, but by accepting our losses and moving forward, we are in a way healing ourselves for the next journey ahead.

Big hugs sweetie.

Beata xxx

[luna moth]

It's not weird at all. I did all the same things you did, and was almost always aware of where I would have been. One of my favourite moments was getting to 36 weeks and thinking "Holy sheeee-it - I am NOT ready to have a baby in four weeks time!" And every glorious day from then on became a special reminder of how lucky I was to be doing everything I was doing, and whenever I had fun, I whispered to myself "I could have missed this."

The EDD came, with all its dramas, it rained on the day, and then two days later i had to go to the hospital on a slightly related matter, and the sun shone, and I walked home, having moved past it, and feeling really strong. And officially ready to try again.

And I've never forgotten any of the dates, and they haven't stopped being sad just because I am pregnant again. That's something else to prepare yourself for.

You are not weird at all. Not because of that, anyway.

[KitFaerie]

It took me a while to shift away from following my original belly buddies group, for me it was like pushing on a bruise, I hurt already but I knew I could make it hurt more. I think I was punishing myself for something that wasn't my fault. Plus I felt very guilty from grieving one baby and still being desperate for another, I've always been one for the guilts! It was during the christmas holidays so I completely zoned out, read all day and had no opinion on anything, I just didn't care. It didn't change until I realised how much I was hurting DH, that he'd lost a baby too, but he'd also lost me. We went and bought a crystal together and it's hanging in the window, that physical reminder helped. I still knew how far along I would have been, but it didn't have the same pain to it. DH and I also made a conscious decision not to conceive for a month or two, back on the condoms and everything! So I knew I had the time to grieve, that the loss of my baby had made a difference. For me, that was what helped me get back to reality, that we had a crystal I could see, and that the loss of Splat had made a decided difference to our plans, we didn't just continue as normal, things had changed for me, and I needed my life to reflect that. And then, when I was ready I joined TTCAML, and those girls were pure awesomeness.

Maybe you need something concrete to reflect how much your life has changed? A kind of line in the sand. You sound like your grieving, and you need that acknowledged. Maybe that's what the ticker is about?

[Bumperstump Cummerbund]

Thanks Dianne

If it makes you feel any better, we are all different. I don't even KNOW the twins due date, never celebrated it, in fact went out of my way not to.
I have two ultrasound photos of them I keep in a book on my bookshelf, and that is it.
I don't think about "what if..." or "they would be..." unless something prompts me to do so - like this thread now, it surprises me how long ago it actually happened - they would be almost 6. But I have no emotional connection to that thought at all.

I love them dearly, but have faith in my Universe, I know there is a reason they didn't make it Earthside, and that is better to me than them living with issues, itms. So in my head, all is as it should be.

Took me 2 years to get there though, to accept that I had actually gone through it, deal with it, face it, not just push it aside and get on with life.
But I honestly, honestly, do not get the notion of celebrating due dates or thinking "I would have been x weeks pregnant" - it doesn't help me at all (totally understand though everyone is different, this is the point of my post )

I do think though that if you can recognise that what you are doing is preventing you from moving on, then that is an issue you need to deal with. Not sure how, but for me it was about accepting that there are reasons why pregnancies are aborted by the body, your body knows what it is doing, and not everything of nature is perfect, and that's ok too. In my case, they were conjoined twins.

I get what you're saying I do tend to be a very emotion driven person, and I guess I'm trying to figure out where the line is, y'know? But I think I need to be more confident in myself, and find out WHY I am doing these things, and if I'm happy doing them - nobody else's reaction really affects that. Ah Lime, I wish I was as sensible as you sometimes!

It took me a while to shift away from following my original belly buddies group, for me it was like pushing on a bruise, I hurt already but I knew I could make it hurt more. I think I was punishing myself for something that wasn't my fault. Maybe you need something concrete to reflect how much your life has changed? A kind of line in the sand. You sound like your grieving, and you need that acknowledged. Maybe that's what the ticker is about?

I think you've really hit it there hun. I go whole days without thinking about Twinkle, but when I realise I just get swamped with guilt - as you said, maybe I'm punishing myself, or continuing to make it hurt so I don't forget? I like the idea of having/doing something concrete. I did feel less panicked once I put the ticker up the other day, but I don't think it's healthy for me to keep reminding myself. I need to trust myself to remember.

Thanks a lot ladies, you've helped me heaps

[mako]

to you sweet lady. I also know I feel guilty if I don't think of my angels in any one day. I have just made it through my 4th angel's EDD last Friday and I found the lead up to that day was much much worse than the day itself. I have my 5th angel's EDD coming up in October and I really hope I cope with that one much better than the one last week.

I just want you to know that whatever it is you do. its totally ok and is all part of the grieving process. Time will come where things will be a little easier and won't hurt anywhere near as much...Sure you're heart will be heavy and will ache on occasions but not as frequent as it is now itms. Also some people will not remember "Twinkles" EDD nor will they remember the date that Twinkle grew his/her angel wings and that does hurt but it isn't anything against you.
My DH said to me on Sunday night "what's been your problem this past few days?" and I told him that "we should of had another baby by now" and his reply was "Oh I didn't keep track of that when everything happened" and that was the babies own daddy I know everyone deals with a loss in their own way and that is ok too.

I'm sorry if none of this helps but I just wanted to let you know that whatever you are wanting to do is ok

[RhiChiChi]

Definatley not weird - I did this with 4 of my 5 m/c but this one (27/07 m/c) I have taken the approach of Lime & TBH I don't know why I have. I actually have q if I am weird for not caring more! I really don't know, so I am on the other end of the scale & that worries me just as much as how you are worried..

[Liz]

I'm a bit like RhiChiChi - I was worried about how much I wasn't caring. I have found I'm a much more emotional person of late tho, no doubt due to the miscarriage. But I still don't feel like I'm grieving a baby, and dates aren't really important to me. Altho... I do have a feeling if I reach the due date.. can't actually remember it now! LOL.. mid January I think it was.. and I'm still not pregnant, then I think that month will have more significance. I have 2 friends IRL who are pg.. I should have been about 3 weeks ahead of them.. so I do occasionally find myself adding 3 weeks to where they are at now and feeling a bit sad. But otherwise, I said a fairly prompt goodbye to the belly buddies group and threw myself back into the TTC group.

*hugs* tho. I think you need to let yourself do whatever feels right at the time. I guess tho if it's something that's taking over or goes on longer than you think feels right, you might need to try and reign it in a bit.