Back to work tomorrow

[Alice]

Tomorrow is my first day back at work after my miscarriage. I had the D&C last Friday - still bleeding lightly and a bit sore in the tummy so it's been good to have these days resting. It is getting easier to cope with - I don't wake up crying or go to bed crying. I feel sad but it is more a dull ache now than the raw pain I felt over the weekend. Having some comforting chats with my husband - reminiscing about the conversations we had when we found out and other discussions we had about names and how to rearrange the house and all the symptoms I had (which he thought were very amusing). It's nice to talk about it.

Today I went through my folder of letters and treatment reports going way back through the years to when we first started TTC. I put it all in order and I don't know, is that a strange thing to do? It felt comforting to go through everything and think about the journey we've had. This last cycle, where I fell pregnant, was going to be our last. Now I don't know what to do - it's hard not to try again after this sudden and unexpected miracle we just had but then when do we stop? I guess we'll know when it comes. For now I want to try again, and so does my husband, so that's good. Still need to see our doc.

I don't know why I did it, but I went back to my BellyBuddies group for a read. I'm happy they are all doing so well now but it made me sad too. Wish I was in there with them still. Anyway, that's all from me for now.

Alice x

[AliBaby]

Will be thinking of you tomorrow Alice.

When you are grieving nothing is weird or not normal. Everybody copes so differently.

Sound like you and your husband have a fantastic relationship and it is great that you have both been able to help each other through this.

I hope tomorrow is a smooth transition bak to work, but if you feel like you are not coping, tell your boss you need more time

[Alice]

Thanks Alibaby. Nothing feels normal right now and actually, my view of normal has pretty much changed forever by knowing I can actually be pregnant, that I was pregnant, and that now I'm not pregnant anymore. I wonder, over and over, if it is something we can repeat and whether we will, one day soon, hold our baby in our arms. Lots of 'what ifs' going on in my head that probably aren't that helpful right now so maybe work will be a good distraction.

Going back feels a little bit like going in for the D&C - it somehow marks this whole time as being over (I was on holidays when we got the BFP and first day back at work when we found out the embryo had stopped growing) and that is something I need to push myself past or I could stay home being sad for a long long time I think.

Thanks for your support and for your reply - it really helps.

Alice x