I miscarried our twins on 5th May and it was very important for me to have something for them. I searched the shops for a locket and wanted to have it engraved with the date and "B1 & B2" which is what we dubbed them after finding out about them. After a bit of a search I found a double compartment locket. It has two sides to it, the front can open up and the back can too and when the whole thing is opened there are two flat panels on the inside. Well on the front I had engraved "B1 & B2", the back is the date we lost them and on the inside panels I have an inscription that reads " Our two beautiful little angels", and each side of the locket has a butterfly charm in it, to symbolise the twins. The butterflies are because when I was in the ward after the d&c, I kept seeing two butterflies flying together in the trees just outside my window and it made me think of my twins. Whenever I think of them, I touch the locket and give it a rub, and it makes me feel better. I love that I found a special double locket for the twins as it was very important to me to have something that symbolised two angel babies. I also have kept my pregnancy tests, blood test sheet, referral for scans, just anything that involved the pregnancy. They were due on the 25th November and I want to organise a butterfly releasing ceremony for the day. So that's how I am moving forward. But it is hard everyday.
I bought myself a charm bracelet and three glass heart charms. Two large ones, one blue and one yellow, to represent me and DH, and a smaller green one to represent Beiron. The green heart is clipped on between the other two. Sadly, when we were up at DH's parents for Midsommar the blue one broke off somewhere. That was a little hard to take, because I was still very depressed and in a dark place at the time, and I felt like it was just too symbolic that I'd "lost myself". I had to leave the party when I discovered it because I was so upset. I went back to the jewelry store and got a new one, but they only had small blue hearts, so now I have a bracelet where DH's heart is bigger than the others... typical him!
When I'm sitting and thinking I often fiddle with the little hearts between my fingers, especially when I'm at my counselor's, I've noticed.
Tomorrow I'm going back to the jewelry store to pick up a new addition for our new bubs.
I have vacation without DH coming up in September, right before Beiron's EDD (the vacation had been booked in as a start to my maternity leave), and I will be spending it creating a new garden in our back yard. I think I will plant bulbs there on Beiron's EDD, and the flowers should pop up and bloom right when our new bubs is due.
i have a rose in the garden for each of our angel babies, a tattoo on my left shoulder blade for our first two angels, and a gold bracelet for our third. DH and I are planning on getting another tattoo for our other two angels at some point, just not sure when as we're continuing with fertility treatment and can't get a tattoo if pregnant
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