Friends

[Jennifer13]

Oh my goodness, girls, I cannot believe what some of you have had to endure from those in your lives who are meant to be supportive and helpful.

I have unfortunately seen several friends and colleagues go through both early m/cs and late losses. I don't understand their pain as I am not in their shoes, so how insensitive, arrogant and rude would it be to give them any kind of advice?! I always thought all I could do was listen, hug, cry with them, bring them around a hot meal if things were getting too much and be there on the end of the phone (and not via SMS, what an insult).

If you don't mind, I would like to continue reading your posts, as it will give me a much better insight into how to be a better friend/relative in the future.

[Cassius2]

I think some of the more hurtful things that were said were by one friend when she was pg. first of all she didnt want me and DH around in the early stages, in case i mentioned our m/c (this made her uncomfortable, or maybe she felt that my loss would rub off on her and she would be at risk).

but i think the worst was when she was close to 5 months and was going on about her pg symptoms and i was like yeah, i had the tender bb's and she turned around and said, 'but you weren't ever really pregnant'. it gutted me and i vowed never to mention it again to anyone (that is until i found BB! )

[helle]

'but you weren't ever really pregnant'

Whaaaaaat!?

[Evie76]

My mum didn't know how to deal with it when I lost Bubbles. She never lost any of her babies. I sort of got a lot of wooden responses. It was extremely uncomfortable. Kind of taboo.

I actually spend no time with any friends I had. They were all extremely heartless and had the "replaceable baby" syndrome. I am very happy with just being me and my little family. I've always been a bit of a loner anyway, so not having any friends doesn't scare me. Most of the time they're insulting and put their noses where their not wanted anyway.

I suppose, unless someone's had an m/c, they don't understand. But I am sure there are those who have had m/c who just parrot what people said to them - which were generally heartless comments anyway.

[NaeNae]

Wow - I thought I was the only one who had people say the most inappropriate things.

I have a couple I'd like to share with you all.

My first m/c I was in horrible pain feeling wonderful about the loss (said sarcastically) and mentioned to my mother that I wanted to plant a tree in memory of my little angle and she said and I quote " ohh Naomi do you really think thats a good idea, I mean it wasn't like it was a real pregnancy" - physically I was 9 weeks when I m/c but that little angle stopped developing around 4w+3d

When I was playing the waiting game with Nikita, I had been in hospital in bed, hanging from my ankles for almost 2 weeks when my best friend said to me "You'll probably hate me for saying this but I will say it anyway, have you thought about having an abortion and just trying again seeing that this pregnancy isn't working"

Lastly was not what someone said but what someone did -

Christmas - an incredibly difficult time of year for us and I admit I spiralled backwards emotionally the closer to Christmas we got. My family Christmas was on Boxing Day and my mother decided it would be nicer to eat outside than in given the weather but rather than eating in the undercover entertainment area we ate at a table put in front of a plaque and the rose garden mother built in memory of Nikita. She also sat there saying "how much nikita would have loved to play with her chooks" - yep thanks mum.

Fortunately nobody has said anything about our recent m/c but then we didn't really tell anyone about the pregnancy which has been a blessing.

Love and hugs to all

Nae x

[mr dad of many]

Hello ladies,
My wife & I lost our 8 year old son Brendan going through a Bone marrow Transplant,back in 2004.You never get over the loss & you never foregive the stupid things your so called friends say to you. My wife & I have lost many friends,but i guess it`s there loss in the end. Wishing you all well. One other thing.......you will never get over the loss of your flesh & blood,no matter how strong you think you may be.

[NaeNae]

One other thing.......you will never get over the loss of your flesh & blood,no matter how strong you think you may be.

I am so sorry for the loss of Brendan.

I agree with you, I don't think anyone who has been through a loss would expect otherwise. Its just a shame that those around us who are meant to be our friends don't understand that - or respect that.

[entreat]

After reading this thread, my friends are suddenly looking very supportive and sensitive!

It pales in comparison to the pearlers already recorded, but I got "it wasn't meant to be - the next one will be made with a 'cuter' sperm anyway!" from two friends that I can't bring myself to talk to this week. It makes it sound like you bought a dud scratchie or lottery ticket at the newsagent. Just buy another one - it's sure to be the winner! pfft!

Thank you all for the support you offer here. It makes me realise that I am allowed to think & feel the things I am. DH was just reading over my shoulder, and I think it helps him understand too - to see other people going through the same thing.

This is a wonderful forum.