Friends

[Gabi]

Did anyone else have some rather unsupportive friends during their grief? If so, did you ever get to be good friends with them again?

There are some things some of my friends have said to me that I'm having trouble forgetting and it basically makes it hard to have a real friendship with them.

[Ellie]

Oh yes...I had some rippers! And I must be honest...it has affected how I relate to those people. I got to a place where protecting myself and the memory of my angel babies just had to take priority. It took a while but wish I'd done it years ago. And now I am pregnant ...'those' people are coming out of the woodwork with all the 'I told you so's' and I'm staying as far away from them as I can...they just don't get it. Sorry it I sound harsh...but I'm sooooo over people not thinking before they open their mouths!

[Gabi]

You don't sound harsh. I know exactly what you mean!

I have a son now - so I've been getting a lot of 'I'm glad your over it now and we can be friends again' urgh! Like it's my fault they stopped inviting me out before!

[Ellie]

I hear you! Like they expect the 'baby' to make everything else disappear...doesn't work like that...it actually makes you feel the loss on a whole different level. I'm just being really selfish and surrounding me and bub with positive, supportive friends...I think we deserve that

[Gabi]

.it actually makes you feel the loss on a whole different level.

I can so relate to that

We've moved, so I have a great excuse to make new friends and not see my old ones so much But I feel guilty for being a burden on them, and at the same time I feel lonely and abandoned by them

[Ellie]

We moved in January which was the best thing...we fell pregnant in May...so it was GOOD for us! You are not a burden! I find the best support here on BB...there are so many ladies that understand and you can vent and you are not judged...I wouldn't have survived without this site. Have you looked at the parenting after loss threads? Could be good?

[blessedatlast]

How is this for friendship! A friend of mine sent me a text (she lives interstate) that said 'hope the new year brings you health and happiness' Sweet, yes but i couldn't help but text her back 'I have just lost my children how can I be happy?' So she text 'I am sorry you are feeling bad about what happened, I hope you can set more positive goals for the future' So I then got angry and sent back 'BAD you are sorry I am feeling BAD?? My babies have been dead just over a month you have no idea how I am feeling! and as for goals.. MY GOAL IS TO GET OUT OF BED EVERY MORNING!!!' Anyway I have decided to e mail her some poems.. I don't think she meant to be nasty.. She just doesn't understand.. Having said that tho she is a mother..

[MummaSue]

God, I can totally relate to this!!

I was trying to tell a friend how I was feeling one day on the day that I would have been 12 weeks pregnant and was told to "stop thinking like that".

I mean, talk about stopping me in my tracks. I was gutted and stunned. But then in the next sentence said that she was "there for me".

I'm not one to dwell on the past but a miscarriage is huge.

I honestly don't think that people are trying to be idiots but they sure do come across that way!!!!

Thank goodness for you guys!!

[Ellie]

My shocker of all shockers was after I had a rputured ectopic...nearly died...and my friend who has 4 kids text me asking me what my due date was now they have shifted the baby into the uterus!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And her sister is a midwife!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[MummaSue]

Ellie, you have got to be f%$^ing kidding me???????????????????

Ok, you win. That takes the biscuit.

[Tegam]

I am so sorry that you have all had to got through these things ontop of your M/C...its is such a hard time anyway and then to have lost friends when you need them the most. I must admit i found the opposite, after sharing my lose with my ABA group i got the most amaing support, and now i am the BEST of friends with one of those girls!

When will people learn that it is impossible to "get over" a m/c.... its your baby, no one would ever think of say to a mother thats child drowned in a pool to just get over it!

I would like to slap the girl that said that she hopes you can make more positive goals! What the.....

[Bun]

OMG Ellie, that is terrible!

I too received some pretty stupid and unthoughtful comments after my losses and that resulted in a change to many of my friendships too. A lot of people just don't get it and say the most hurtful things.

On the other hand, one friend in particular who doesn't have kids and doesn't want kids turned out to be one of my most supportive friends, and I really didn't expect that, so that was good!

I suppose now I have tried to forgive some of the things that were said to me, but I don't think I will ever forget.

[Possums]

I really relate too! People do not get it. Or they dont care enough to even vaguely try and understand. Or they are just stupid! I have had some hurtful comments also, and sometimes just a lack of care or support which hurts. Fortunately I also have a handful of truly good friends and I lean on them when I need to. The others I have stopped having much to do with.

[kath26]

I have just returned to work this week, after my 2nd miscarriage last week- and wish that I hadn't!! I know there is no-one at work who understands how I am feeling at the moment.

Either people have been avoiding me, or saying weird things. I feel like I really don't want to be there, and I am so glad I can come on to BB because I know you all will understand . I also have some beautiful girlfriends who support me. I am the type of person that needs to talk about what I am feeling or going through, so at work, it's really hard.
xx
DS- 16/07/2006 (2 1/2)
28/09/2008 @ 7 weeks
04/02/2009 @ 9 weeks 6 days

[titti]

Hi,
I went through a similar situation. My dear friend avoided my calls after my mc. I messaged her, left messages on her answering machine etc. none returned.
a week later she called me to tell me she was pg. few weeks later (while I was still recovering from my loss) she started to complain about her pregnancy. she went on and on talking about the fact she couldn't sleep or eat anything and that she remembered then why she hated to be pg... My answer was quite direct: "you should be thankfull that your baby's heart is beating, mine as you know stopped".
She hasn't been a friend since and I can't say I miss her. we have social calls and gathering (our hubbies are good friends) but even her husband is over her. She had a "complaining pg", couldn't stop nagging him and complain about anything.
she is due soon, and yes I will go to see her in hospital with pressie for the newborn, but it's not a close friendship, nor it will ever be again.
Maybe I am harsh, but she have been so tactless!
xxx

[~ Mylitta ~]

I found that some people just don't see to have an understanding of what we are going through when we lose a baby, or don't know how to react and what to say. In most cases I think that they don't intentionally say things to hurt us, or just don't realise how much pain we actually experience.

After my angel left us, I actually asked my best friend if I had given her enough comfort and said and did the right things when she miscarried her first baby (which happened before my angel). I suddenly had a much more real appreciation for what she had gone through and was devastated at the thought that maybe I hadn't been there for her in a way that helped her most. Luckily she said I was a great comfort to her. But it made me realise how hard it can be for people that haven't experienced what we have been through to fully appreciate how it feels and how the things the say and do can affect our grieving and healing processes.

[helle]

Ellie... what... WHAT!! Oh my goodness! What a stupid woman!! Was she joking? She had to have been joking!! That definately takes the cake.

I'm glad someone started this thread! I've pushed back a couple of good friends because of stupid comments they've made.

A friend of mine who I have known since highschool made a joke about DF and I being related and making deformed babies. Yeah thanks, love.

Another friend keeps telling me that "everything will be all better again once I'm pg". She has a 2 year old. Sometimes I just want to say to her, if your baby died now, would it make you feel better to be pg again? I've been avoiding her like the plague, she's just to overly positive for me, iykwim!
She is also a hairdresser and does my hair, DF and I are TTC again and when I asked her to try and not get anything on my scalp (I know nothing is proven but peice of mind is nice sometimes!) she called me a Hypochondriac, that just made the decision of backing out of the friendship a whole lot easier!
I'm always having an inner debate with myself whether losing a pregnancy has the same affect as losing a born child... Sometimes I think it's similar, but people are to affraid to admit it.

Bun, I have a friend who has no kids, and she surprisingly as been amazing also. She just listens, lets me cry and is such a great support!

Thanks for letting my have a b!tch

[~StarBright~]

I had it not only from friends, but from family, my own sister was just incredibly self centred and just plain rude- she told me when i was TTC for the 5th time (after four angels- 2 m/c, 2 late loss) that i shouldnt be trying again if i was still sad from loosing my daughter. I had to be "over it" first, needless to say i ignored her advice and i DID get pregnant again and i have a gorgeous son to hold close. And yes, as someone said, once you do have a child after a loss of any kind, you do feel the pain of loosing your angels on a whole new level.

My dad was one of those people who made stupid comments without thinking- like at a family dinner just a few months after loosing Zahra and there were couples with kids whose dinners were going cold because they were busy with their kids- and he looks at me and says- "isnt it great we get to eat our dinners hot" UM, i would MUCH rather eat a cold dinner and be busy with my daughter thank you very much DAD!!

And as for friends, there were good and bad- I did have one friend who stopped returning calls or visitng me and only called me when i was pregnant again as she said that she couldnt bear seeing me in pain anymore- i was a bit shirty coz i thought, well maybe if i had of had your support i wouldnt have been in quite so much pain as i would have had someone to talk to and let it out, but in a way i am grateful that i didnt get much support IRL as it led me to look for it elsewhere and i found Belly Belly and found the unlimited support of many women who helped me through my pain. And who still continue to show support through parenting and the constant grieving that never really goes away, that just gets easier to live with- and no one knows that as wella s people who have been through it themselves.