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Thread: Here I am again.

  1. #55
    kirsty Guest

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    Well here's to another day gone down the tubes!!



    Just when we were on a high from selling our house yesterday we get the mail this morning & in it is a letter from the funeral directors in Ballarat enclosing our little speckle's cremation confirmation. I don't think I've stopped crying on & off since. Part of me now just wishes it was all done & I can move on with a bit more certainty, but we still have to wait to find out the results from the chromosomal testing to see if we have a son or a daughter.

    Then to top it off we finally had sex the other nite & now the bleeding has come back a bit ~ just what I didn't want.

  2. #56

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  3. #57

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  4. #58
    kirsty Guest

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    Another crappy day here.

    I was doing okay until I got home from taking James to see IceAge2 at the movies to hear DH tell me that someone from South West Health Care rang coz I missed an appt today ~ well it was my booking in appt. It had totally slipped my mind until DH said that she had rung. Another thing to remind me that I am no longer pregnant with my precious little speckle.

    I am so feeling like the world has been taken out from under my feet & wondering when it will be put back there.

  5. #59
    smelly Guest

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    Hi Kirsty

    Not sure if you remember me (I exchanged a few emails with you in the "A wise woman once said to me" thread a few months ago). I have been following your progress closely and was devastated to hear the news about Speckle. And I am sad to hear that you are having a crappy day. I really do wish that there was something I could do or say that might be of some assistance to you, particularly since your own comments had such a monumental impact on me after I lost my little girl in February. In fact, they still are having an impact.

    Kirstly, I can relate to having periods of peace and acceptance about the loss of a baby (accompanied by concern about whether that meant I wasn't grieving properly), interspersed by fits of tears when reminders arrive via the telephone or mail (I forgot about my booking-in appointment with the hospital too, and burst into tears when I was trying to explain to the woman on the other end of the line that the interview was no longer necessary. She just didn't seem to be getting it. I ended up blurting out "My baby died!". It just seemed to BOOM out of my mouth and was echoing loudly off the walls of my very quiet and very empty house before I realised that I was actually the person who had said it). And I recall that just when i thought I was doing okay (which was actually quite often in those early weeks), I'd be confronted by something else (birth certificates, cremation certificates, death certificates, a letter from centrelink confirming that I had been paid the baby bonus, etc). I cried for hours after I opened that Centrelink letter. I remember feeling like I'd exchanged my baby for a $3000 cheque (although I know that in reality that isn't what happened at all).

    Based on my own experience, Kirsty I really do feel for you - I can only imagine what it might be like to have lost two precious bubs. That is my worst nightmare at the moment. If there is anything I can do to support you and your family, just let me know. You clearly have touched many others via this forum. So many people have volunteered to lend an ear to you when you need - and I'd like to join that group of people. If you ever want to chat, feel free to post or PM me. In the meantime, I'll be thinking of you.

    Hugs,
    J.

  6. #60

    Join Date
    Dec 2005
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    you are truely a woman of great strength and honour Kirsty.
    Thank you for letting us get to know Speckle and share your experience with us. We are all here for you. Just let us know if you need us.
    Hugs, love and friendship
    maz

  7. #61

    Join Date
    Sep 2004
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    Kirsty, honey just wanted to drop you a note to say am thinking of you. Your strength and courage is amazing. Remember to look after yourself as well as everyone else, ok. I hope you find some peace again soon.

    Hope that the results answer some questions for you, too.

    :hugs:

  8. #62
    kirsty Guest

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    Thanx guys, a huge part of me just wants to move on & start trying to have another baby, but then the sensible side kicks in & I know that from previous experience I need a little more time. Then throw into the mix the fact that we are in the middle of buying another house & selling ours (both are under contract atm) & DH telling me last nite that he needs to think about having another baby once we are settled into the new house & we can judge our financial position a bit more & I'm a total emotional mess all over again.

    I just don't get it, last week he was all for giving it a little time & then trying again & now all of a sudden he needs to think about things, WTF??? When he said yes we hadn't sold our house so our initial loan for the new house was more, but now our house is under contract & if it all goes through then that eases the financial pressure coz we can pay a huge chuck of it off the new loan. So surely that would make things easier for us in a financial sense & not harder?? I just don't get his way of thinking & then of all the times to discuss it he decides to raise it just as I'm going to bed. So it isn't discussed properly at all.

    Then we had a bit of an all out with the counsellor yesterday over some of the stuff that has been going on since we lost speckle, & here he is saying different things while the counsellor was there than he had said when it was just the two of us. Anyway for a little while now we are going to see the counsellor separately to help us deal individually with what we are going through (it is probably more for my benefit than DH's as such) so I'm hoping it will help me deal with some of the anger & bitterness & other washing machine emotions that I am going through atm. It is just so hard, then even when I have a good day something seems to go wrong, or I feel bad because I feel like I'm not grieving speckle properly by not having them in my thoughts all the time. I know we all move on eventually, I guess I thought it should take more time than 3wks to forget my precious little baby. Not that I've forgotten them as such, I probably mean more for me not to be thinking about them all the time.

    There are times more than others when it hits me, I found out yesterday that two of my friends are both pregnant. One is 14wks & the other is 20wks ~ they had both planned to tell us about 4wks ago but of course then things went wrong for us & they decided to wait a bit. Then I go shopping yesterday & I swear that every pregnant woman in my town was in the supermarket or down the street shopping ~ it just isn't fair. I want to still be one of those pregnant women & even though I know that there was nothing that could have been done to prevent it, I guess part of me is mad at my beautiful little baby for getting itself into such a mess.

    Part of me feels that maybe mother nature is trying to tell me that one is all I'll ever have, but that isn't what I want at all.

    Anyway enough of a rant & ramble here, will go & dry my eyes now before I short out the keyboard 8-[

    If you've got this far a huge thanx

  9. #63

    Join Date
    Nov 2005
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    LA LA Land
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    Kirsty,
    Firstly let me say how sorry I am to read of your recent loss. What a dreadful shock. I lost my little boy Luke at 16wks last year and that also turned out to be a cord accident. They say it is rare at such an early gestation but I have come across so many women that it has happened to I can't believe it to be that rare!.
    I also have felt guilty that maybe i wasn't grieving as much for him as I did for the twins that I lost in 2000. But I think it is not that you don't feel it as much, it is just that we have been there before so we are able to handle it a little better. But I am sure the pain is just as strong for you this time. And yes, those pregnant women do save their shopping trips just for when we are out as well!! And how jealous we are of them. It's only natural for us to feel that way but it will pass eventually.
    I hope you feel better soon and please know that we are all thinking of you.
    Big hugs,
    Debbie

  10. #64

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    Sep 2005
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    Brisbane
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    Oh Kirsty - big big big hugs.

    I can completely relate to the washing machine emotions and my loss wasn't anywhere near as horrific as yours.

    Please know that what you are feeling is so 100% normal. You are so brave and I'm so glad that you trust us all enough to let your emotions out here.

    I can understand you being cranky / confused at your DH. Who knows what goes through their minds. He will probably change his mind once you have moved into your new house - I really hope he does. And until then take the time to greive.

    And please don't feel guilty that you are not greiving Speckle enough - it is very obvious to all of us here how much you love Speckle and what a wonderful mother you are to Speckle.

    Big big hugs.

    Liss.

  11. #65

    Join Date
    Apr 2004
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    Sydney, NSW
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    Kirsty, I cannot believe that you are having to deal with the passing of your beloved Speckle. I am so, so very sorry.

    I really don't know what else to say, other than to wipe my tears for you and your family.

    Things just aren't fair sometimes.

    Hugs to you,

    Love
    Gabby

  12. #66

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    Jan 2005
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    Kirsty, just to let you know I am thinking of you.

    There is so much going on for you right now, try not to put too much pressure on yourself to be a certain way, get it together etc. Losing a little bubba in such a way must be hearbreaking enough without having to deal with day to day stuff AND the whole house selling thing.
    Maybe you can take a weekend away after you have moved (or before if it is a while from now), somewhere, nice, warm and far, far from reality and day to day drudge. Recharge a bit.

    Take care
    :hugs:

  13. #67
    kirsty Guest

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    Thanx Lulu, I think we are going away the weekend of Mothers Day, which will be before we move so am looking forward to that.

    Things aren't too bad except for the phone call yesterday to let us know that they are picking up speckle's urn & ashes this week, so we are going to pick them up from them on Tuesday. I so don't want to do this, I want to be enjoying my baby not remembering them every day.

  14. #68

    Join Date
    Nov 2005
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    Perth, WA
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    Kirsty

    My thoughts are with you at this difficult time, there is absolutely nothing I can write which seems appropriate so just know that we are all here for you and we'll hold your hand all the way and back again.

    Take care, sending cuddles your way

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