Just have to get it out

[AmandaJ]

I had my D&C on the 29th of March I was 10 weeks pg. I thought I was coping well with it but over the last 2 or so weeks I've been quite emotional and everything is coming bubbling to the top. I feel that I really haven't been able to grieve the loss of my little on and I haven't had anyone IRL that I can talk to about it.

I should be in my last trimester getting ready to welcome my LO in a few months not sitting here missing my baby that wasn't to be. I cry or can't read pg annoucments it's just not fair.

I'm now crying writing this....why is it so hard to move past this. We're going to be ttc in Oct, how am I going to cope with been pg again and stressing that the same thing is going to happen.

I just want to talk to someone and have them understand that yes it was a blighted ovum, but it was still my baby, I still had hopes and dreams for them.

Ok I'm going to go and collect myself and head off to bed, thank you for reading my ramblings.

[~Kim~]

they aren't ramblings.
Yes, I understand. Totally and wholly.
I'm so sorry Amanda.

[Ozziehoffy]

Oh sweetheart I think you are becoming emotional now because you should be coming to end of one part of the journey before meeting your baby. Like you said, you should be now in your last tri and that's hard and I think that the realisation has hit you now. Allow yourself the time to grieve. As for fear, maybe speaking to a counsellor will help you and give you some tools for coping there. I think that until your baby is in your arms you will have some fears and that will be normal. again and please, allow yourself the grieving time because in your heart you are still travelling the 3rd tri.

[feeb]

Hugs hun, you are emotional as you have reached another date in what should be a happy journey, I have been there and the pain eventually eases but never forgotten. TTC is hard as I know I stressed during both my pregnancy's about having another blighted ovum, or of something else.

Ramble on here as much as you need we are all here for you.

xoxox

[STARRYSKY]

Amanda, I hope you get a good nights rest, I hope you feel a little better for getting that out.
I know how it feels to have no one in real life understand the pain, fear or sadness.
Thinking of you xxx

[ElleJay]

Lots of love Amanda You know I'm here for you hun

[Smoke Jaguar]

You are human - we don't all follow the same emotional curve
I've been waiting for this, so please just feel it and allow it to do its thing, and when the feeling begins to fade then let it go till it comes back in, like the waves of an outgoing tide lapping at the shoreline.
It feels like there has been so much loss this year, for some reason, and it's really hard to read about - and what good's a community if you just skip to the happy bits? So, I follow some of the losses that are closer to me and feel a bit of what's happening, knowing that I can never know just what you're going through, even if I'd suffered a loss of my own - cos we're all in unique circumstances where our babies mean something different and something quite significant in a tailored way. Not sure I"m making much sense in the wee hours, just so you know that I have thought of you and shared just a little bit of your loss

[Tegam]

Sadley there are more of us here that understand than we'd like! Yes ofcourse it was you baby and with that your dream! Its one of the worst thing that can ever happen to a person, and sadly it takes a life time to get over!

How will you TTC and be pregnant... One day at a time and a lot of support from the girls here on BB! No pregnancy will ever be the same again but its not all bad and you know, even though there are days where you think you cant breathe from the pressure of it all...it is worth it to find the strength to go again!

So sorry you are facing this journey, no one ever asks to walk it but you are not alone! Now or ever

[csab]

Ohh my dear Amanda, I know only to well the sadness that your feeling. I never thought that I would be able to move on, and TBH in parts I still havent. It really does take a life time as Tanstar said. As for becoming pg again, its a strange feeling of completeness and the feeling of not being able to breathe leaves andyou end up with all the emotions of fear, anxiousness etc all mixed into one. Im not going to say you wont be going to the loo every second and holding your breathe each time hoping and praying not to see the dreaded spotting etc, as you more likely will keep checking. Im also not going to say that the thought of an u/s send shivers throughout your body, as the fear of getting told something is wrong again raises it ugly head, yet the powerful emotion of seeing that flickering HB on the screen brings relief. Once you feel that bub move and hear the little HB etc the anxiousness will slowly start to disappear and some joy will replace it. The fear though will more likely still be there, but it will lessen up until your bub is in your arms.
I have to wonder why I put myself through the stress of pgcy, but it is the driving force of having that precious little prize at the end. Your bub in arms. Somehow at the end of it all, to have your bub in arms everything you go through inbetween makes it all worthwhile, itms. Yet your lost angels will always and forever be apart of you and will be with you always never to be forgotten. TBH, I too have been waiting for this from you.

If you ever want to chat hun, you know where I am. Loads of hugs

[AmandaJ]

Thank you all you have made me all cry again, lol.

I think I've been avoiding BB...but I think I should have been leaning more on everyone instead of putting on a happy face like I'm fine and nothing is wrong.

Maya you made perfect sense to me

Cheryl you are a very strong person, I only hope that when the time comes again that I can be as strong as you.

Everyone else thanks again for your very kind words and hugs.

[STARRYSKY]

Thats what were here for Amanda, I dont know where I would be if not for finding BB when I had my MC, it was only here that I found acceptance and understanding that was all too lacking in my real life.
Dont be afraid to let it out, write down how you feel, vent away, we will listen and be here to hold you up when it all gets to much. xxx

[csab]

Amanda, you know when you do find yourself in the position of being pg again, somehow throughout all the uncertainty the strength comes. I think mainly it is the protective side. As you know when we lose we feel like we have failed our little ones, that we should have protected them more, yet in reality it isnt in our hands. It still doesnt stop us from blaming ourselves and our bodies.
You will find the strength hun, and in the rough difficult times especially at the very beginning when we have no idea on whats happening you will have us to lean on. If only you knew what a nutcase I was at the very beginning this time and all the other times after my m/c's. Crazy insane woman.
You may find too that you dont want to get attached to your bub at the beginning as you want to protect yourself as well from all the heartbreak, yet no matter what you do or dont do, you will still be very much attached. Thats just us hiding the love we have already for the little one, trying to keep ourselves strong and to show everyone else around us that we are fine, when really deep inside we are going crazy with worry.
You know we will all be here for you when the time comes, as well as now. You dont need to go through this alone. hugs

[Shanti]

Amanda

[Jewel]

Big hugs Amanda.

[Diamond Girl]

Huge hugs Amanda.

Its ok to be still sad and grieving your LO. I still have my BFP from the one I just lost. I'll never throw it out and I'll never stop missing him/her. Grief has no time limits.

Im so sorry you are still feeling down.

[OceanPrincess]

Grief has no time limits.

Nicely put, I couldn't agree more.



I'm glad you feel a bit more like you can lean on the lovely ladies here at BB... hope that we can help in some way shape or form.

[MantaRay]

Hun, it is totally normal for you to grieve your loss, especially as the due date approaches. It must be harder to not be able to talk about it IRL - is there anyone you can have a cuppa with and just talk and cry? In any case, we are all here for you whenever you need us hun

[Razzberry]

I know how you feel and it just sux! I am still angry that the joy and innocence of pregnancy has been taken away from me - and this is after having my daughter (albeit a complicated pregnancy!) but I have said many times to my husband, when I think about the pain, the fear and sadness of our loss (we had a blighted ovum too) to where we are now with our baby girl - It was all worth it to have her.

Big hugs hun xox