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I was, til about four weeks ago.:
Nothing like a good old miscarriage to knock some terror into your sails.
HPL: how are you going hun? I'm glad you got to say goodbye, I hope your tree decision comes easily. I'm still trying to find time to get to the nursery but I want to plant something too.
DG: been thinking of you. :hug:
OP - I was like that too once. How things change eh? :(
HPL - Im glad you got to say goodbye. I hope you can start to heal emotionally now
Keike - Thankyou for your kind words.
MM- Thankyou for telling me about India's Mum. I need to hear every success story I can because I often think I should just give up...except I want a baby so bad.
Do you like my signature ladies?
I felt it was time...
thats lovely ocean princess
OP - What a lovely tribute to your Angel.
OP - thank you for your support over the last few days, it has really helped. i think your signature is very lovely and so proud that you could do it. I think you may have given me some encouragement to make mine a little more meaningful
DG - the heeling has started i feel more myself now, i feel completely not pregnant anymore which hurts but I feel more like me and i guess thats the start of the healing for us,
Tegam - thanks for hug :)
MM - Maruschke -thank you for the hugs also -made me so loved and care about when i saw them... I am doing much better today... I do hope everyone has started their healing process...
First day back at work today - it was bareable - only 3 ppl know at work they kpet a close eye on me to make sure I was okay which was lovely...
I do truly hope everyone has started on their journey of healing.. I know mine will be long but I know there is a light at the end and that light will shine bright...
OP: lovely :hug:
HPL: i hope you are going ok, its good to hear your workmates who know about the miscarriage are looking after you
It has been exactly one week since my NT scan. Worst week of my life. Ive always been able to pick myself back up but this time I just cant seem too. I think about trying again and then I remember that Ive done that 3 freaking times already and it hasnt worked. Even being with my boys hurts now because it just makes me want my baby back even more. I think about what was, just one week ago and the pain is so bad. I feel like screaming all the time. This isnt fair. Why me? Why didnt clexane and asprin work when it does for virtually everyone else? Im in such a bad place mentally. I havent begun to heal, not even close.
Maybe its time I spoke to someone?
Oh DG: it's been a week yes, but really that's just a blink in the eye. If you feel you need to talk to someone then yes do it, do it today. But if you are asking if it's normal to still be a mess after a week then yes huni it totally is. It's all normal in a totally messed up situation. Hugs
OP I can't see you sig as I'm on my phone. But I love that you have made a tribute to your angel.
HPL hope work was ok
Hi everyone,
I would like to join this thread for some support, I am in a pretty dark place right now.
I am hoping this is the right place to share my story, if not let me no so I can move it. I really don't want to upset anyone.
Today I got AF, a reminder that I am no longer pregnant, that my life has been turned upside down, that Lucy is gone.
I don't know how strong I am... if this is more than I can take.
3 pregnancies in 3 years.
This time we had just begun to relax and enjoy my pregnancy, my tummy, the kicks. We had made it through our milestones at 6 and 12 weeks with caution, not allowing ourselves to truly believe everything would be ok this time. After our 20 week scan we breathed a sigh of relief. Were we really doing it?? My DH bought us a surprise 4D scan at 24 weeks, everything was fine, she was beautiful, although we didn't know she was a she. We listened to everyone's tell us it would be ok this time, but in the back of our minds the fear never left us. We just thought bring on January when our baby would be hear safely, then we could relax!
While on our recommened pre-baby holiday in Port Douglas I was concerned our bubba had stopped moving or maybe changed positions so I couldn't feel the movements the same. We headed to Cairns hospital to put our minds at ease, but after 3 ultrasounds with different machines and operaters our worst fear was confirm, our precious baby had died. I just remember starring at the screen, she was so still. We were so far away from family in Melbourne. We changed our flights and flew home the next morning, I lost my mucus plug on the plane and started getting contractions. I was terrified, I had no idea how quickly things would move but we made it back home and we were booked in to be induced the next day.
I am consumed with why?? Sometimes it hurts just to breath, but what choice do I really have, the days just go by, we have lost a month in a blur. At the end of each day I am alive but I am really broken this time. I am sick of having to be strong. Sick of people saying 'You will get through this', I know that I will but this seems to be the story of my life, not just in relation to fertility. It seems like there is much negativity attached to me IYKWIM. Not sure I can cope with much more.
It's like we are living a nightmare at the moment.
Lucy was beautiful, with bright red lips and blonde hair. I still can't believe what has actually happened, that she is gone. It's so unfair.
I am sort of in limbo at the moment, it changes everything. All our plans...
I just feel really lost.
And I am angry, I need to know why so I can fix it. Then we will have to find more strength to try again.
I also have to think about going back to work eventually and seeing people. Each time I see or speak to someone for the first time, I replay everything that has happened in my head and it's not long before I am in tears again so I have sort of been avoiding it. The first question is always 'How are you?', how do you answer that (without breaking down), so many responses go through my head?? Work are giving me as much time as I need but I have to face it at some point...
Thanks for listening to my disjointed ramblings.
It will take me some time to get to know everyone on here and each of your stories, right know I have trouble remembering what I did yesterday!
XX
I am so sorry your precious Lucy couldn't stay. I read your post the other day about the coke can names and shed a tear for you. Life sometimes doesn't make sense :(
Tily Girl - I was (and am still) so sad to hear of the passing of your beautiful girl Lucy Bella. You are so right, this is so grossly unfair. I cant imagine a pain so deep as yours, to loose three precious babies, especially one at 25 weeks must be unbearable. All I can do is hold your hand and tell you its ok to be angry, upset, whatever emotion you feel. Please know I am thinking of you (never stopped since I read your birth announcement) and will support you in every way I can in this thread. Hugs to you xx.
tilygirl: huge big :hug: for you. your story is so so sad. i wish i had the answers for you but i don't but just know we are here and listening when you need us. what you have been through is not fair at all
tily :grouphug: I'm so sorry you had to say goodbye to your beautiful daughter too early.
Oh tilygirl, I am so very sorry to read your story. You must be in a world of pain, haze, confusion, hurt and anger. I know the lost feeling and I know the wanting to slap people when they say "How are you?".
Take it one day at a time, and if that's too much, go for one hour at a time. If that's too much, one breath at a time. That's all you need to do right now.
If something helps, like talking to us, keep doing it. If it doesn't, don't do it. Try and keep it nice and simple.
:comfort:
Tily Lucy sounds beautiful. Are you ready? Would you like to share her photos? I am so sorry she couldn't stay. What pain you must be in, I wish it wasn't so :(
Tilygirl - just big hugs sweetheart :hug:
I think we could all use a hug right about now :grouphug:
Tily :hug: :comfort: I have no words that will take your pain away, much as I wish I did :(
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I can't sleep... thank-you all for your kind words.
I spend so many hours at night just thinking, I have lost all track of time.
I remember the moment we found out Lucy had died. It was like my world came crashing down around me, the thought of what was to come was overwhelming, but I didn't fall apart. Somehow we made it through to Lucy's birth. We had our family around us. I felt so strong while I was in labour, we even comforted our families because we could see how much they were hurting for us. We were about to meet our precious baby, i told them all not to cry. All I felt was joy, I so wanted to meet our son/daughter. I am so glad everyone was able to meet her and hold her. I was a mum, I felt so proud. It's hard to explain the strength she gave me. Saying goodbye the next day was so hard but I was ok and still we didn't fall apart. The weeks following we have been surrounded by family, we still are. But as time goes by the strength she gave me is wavering.
I am starting to feel so detached from everything. I still have this overwhelming sense of grief that is consuming me, but it's almost like it is about someone else, not me. I have trouble remembering what it was like being pregnant. Like it was a whole other lifetime.
I feel like I am going crazy, did this really happen to me?
Tegam- how can I share photos?
Tilygirl - I am so very sorry.... I know I am a bit late in saying so and reading your story - it's still very raw for all of us.. I think you are incredibly strong!!! What has happened to you and your family is extremely emotional and extremely traumatic - you're not meant to be okay yet and that In itself is okay - I've come to realise that for all of us what has happened to us of course were not okay, not yet anyway, but yes eventually we will be - we don't need to be strong for others we just need to heal... If that means talking to someone then you should do it - if it means turning around in a shopping centre coz you can't bare looking at another pregnant woman do that too... Time - we all know it - in time we will be okay - but on here, our support group - we can say No Im Not Okay .... I though I was okay yep grieved time to get on with life - then BAM - my friend gave birth; so happy for her, then why does it burn in my heart??
Teagam - I think it's a wonderful idea for TG to share her photos xx - don't know how to do either TG
I think I have gone off track and rambled a bit - it's very early for me ATM but hope I made a little sense to everyone
Hello my beautiful mummy's..
:hug: to everyone :comfort: to those who are having a tough time at the moment.
Op I can't see your sig as I'm on my phone, but I will take time to have a look when I'm on the computer next. :hug: I hope you're feeling well.. Emotionally and physically.
Hope - I'm listening hun, I'm so sorry :comfort:
Diamond - I don't really know where to begin. It's been a week already.. As another member said (sorry I can't remember who..Teegam?), it's just a drop of water.. I can only imagine the grief you're dealing with. If you feel as if youre overwhelmed with grief, yes - please go and see your doctor. You have been through a lot this year... Remember to eat, you need to stay strong for your two boys. You're never far from my thoughts beautiful lady.
Tily - I had no idea. :cry: I am so. So. So. Sad to hear your precious girl couldn't stay with you. The grief you must be experiencing right now.. I couldn't even imagine. Please keep talking to us, we are all listening. :comfort:
Tily, re photos - if you have them posted online somewhere, there's a thread somewhere around here that mums can use to share photos. Are they on facebook? Or flickr?
Or you can post them in your Belly Belly photo album if you're not ready for the whole world to see them.
Hun I wrote a long post about the same sort of thing - I thought I was ok and then came crashing down in a big heap. I think its a bit of self-preservation, your mind lets you compartmentalise it to protect yourself when it is so raw and real and then at some stage the walls come down and you start to deal with what has happened.
:comfort: I wish there was more I could say, more I could do.
On a selfish note, I just noticed yesterday's post, picked it up, rego, bill from accountant, then an envelope that said VCGS Pathology. Opened it up, its a bill for our 10.5wk maternal serum testing. :crying:
Why couldn't they have written that one off? They don't know what happened... nor do they care, a service is a service, we had a test done and it needs to be paid for. But its still another kick in the guts. I got all emotional when I realised what it was.
tilygirl I am so sorry to read you story and hear about your beautiful Lucy, I' m so sorry she couldn't stay with you. :comfort: I remember when you got pregnant, you must be feeling shocked right now. Please take care and talk to us whenever you need. Big hugs to you and your DH, saffy xx
Hi,
Thought I would come in and say Hi.
Our Son, Reid was born sleeping this week at 16 weeks 3 day. The wound is still very fresh but I feel I need to talk to someone who can understand what we are going through. Face to face talk at the moment would be to difficult so here is an even better option.
Reid's early arrival was due to Chorioamnionitis. This is an infection in the sac and waters surrounding Reid. Essentially, Reid was a perfectly healthy boy but due to the infection from my body which reached him, my body "rejected" him and I went into preterm labour.
The labour itself was the most painful labour yet. I guess it was painful because it my mind i knew that it shouldn't be happening. The contractions were 2 mins apart from the beginning. They were so strong. I heard his heart beating at about 10am through the doppler and I honestly thought he would be ok. But the look on all their faes said it all. I could feel myself pushing with some of the contractions but i was fighting it. I was terrified to push him our alive.
So much of it was a blur. I'd had a couple of shots of morphine and was using gas. I was eventually transferred to another larger hospital by ambulance. This is where i later birthed Reid.
The contractions eventually slowed but I could feel a lot of pressure in my vagina and bottom. I was taken for an ultrasound where it was confirmed that Reids heart no longer beat. I commented on how squashed he looked and was told that it was probably cause he was in the lower part of the utuers now. This is why I had so much pressure down there.
I was taken back to my room where I laid back down for a little longer to await his birth. I was terrified that I would have to go through labour again to birth him. I eventually got up to go to the toilet as I felt like I needed to push something out. I wasnt sure if it was the baby or a clot so I made the midwife put a container in the toilet.
I sat down onto the toilet and gave a little push and I could feel soemthing move down into my vagina. I wasn't sure whther I should keep pushing or not but I did. I could tell it was the baby. It felt way to big and hard to be a clot. I pushed a little more and out he came. The relief was immediate. I looked into the toilet but I couldn't tell if it was him. The midwife looked and said yes it was as she could see his placenta.
We then took out the container and I could see him inside the sac. That image is burned into my mind. I could see his little leg bent. I laid on the bed while the midwife opened the sac and brought him to me. He was perfect. So perfect. He just needed the time to grow. We didn't know his sex at this point and we immediately looked and see that he is a boy. Finally, we have a Son. I break down immediately. I finally have a Son and he is gone. Taken from us too soon.
We then clip his cord and I cut it. Sadly DP didn't make it back in to be with us during this time as he had to take care of the girls. He and the girls came back in a little later to meet Reid. We took photo's of him and the girls together. Ofcourse they didn't really understand or fully comprehend what was happening but I'm glad for this. Seeing an ounce of pain in them would have shattered me.
I'm still coming to terms with the fact that it was my body who resulted in the death of our perfectly healthy son. He was strong our boy. He fought right until the end when it was too much to fight any more.
We are yet to bury or cremate him and although it may be morbid for some, he's resting in a memory box in our freezer at the moment until we decide its time to make this decision.
The infection which caused all this mess is still in my body. I've only been discharged from hospital yesterday and am still on a strict regime of antibiotics at home. I don't usually like taking antibiotics but with talk of possibly losing my uterus should the infection get out of control, I'm not taking any chances.
Overall, I feel ok. My emotions are on a roller coaster ride. Unfortunately DP and my mum (who's down from Townsville) are making me feel like I can't openly grieve. DP hasn't openly grieved at all which concerns me. He says he's sad but I guess thats some men for you.
Thoughts of another baby have already been on my mind. I feel guilty and definately frightened to even consider going back again. I want to try and shut those kinda thoughts out of my mind but its hard. Its not really fair to Ried :(
Sorry for the long post. I guess I needed to write it all down.
Sara - Im so very sorry that your beautiful boy Reid was taken too soon. He was such a brave, strong boy to hold on like that. I hope that by writing it all down helps you, if only to take the very slightest edge off the intense pain you must be in. We are all here to listen, to cry with you and to hold your hand as you try to get through this.
So much pain, so much loss in this thread. It breaks my heart to see so many suffering in here.
Oh Sara :grouphug: please do find a way to grieve, even if DP doesn't grieve alongside you. I hope the infection clears quickly too.
Thank you for the support.
Unbelieveably, my milk is coming in today :cry:
No-one tells you that :( Even as a student midwife I didn't know that your milk could come in when you lose a pregnancy at this stage.
Sorry to sneak in ladies but I just wanted to let Sara know I love her to bits and am here hun when u are ready.
*sneaking out now*
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:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: There is so much pain in here, I am in tears reading everyone's posts..
Sara :hug: sweet sweet baby boy taken too soon, DH & I like to think our baby was a boy who passed, it's just not fair, none of it - I so wish I had the answer to all of ours questions and wish i could take al the hurt away...
TT: :) thank you for your ears.... :)
OP: So sorry that ll these feelings were brought to the surface again, like you said a service is a service that needs payment... we got my pathology receipt in the mail on Thursday :( yet another reminder of what we DONT have any more
I am in such a bad space right now, I decided to go to my best friends baby shower, prepared to go drove there with DD ready yep, I was going good, then she opens door picks up DD and gives her kiss and says to her - are you taking care of you mummy?? she needs you right now gorgeous girl.. I look at her and burst into tears!!! I didnt think she fully understood what i ws going through and didnt realy want her to as shes about to have her first and want her to think nothing but positiveness... it was just overwhelming that she got I need help and needed taking care of and that she was there.. So we cry and stop and then enjoy the day.. then on my way home i cry and realise just how much i want another baby but that I can't do it yet, that 2012 is about me Dh and DD no one else...
I think i need a break from BB I'm sorry ladies, I know we need support and I get it so well on here, but my word the pain is so overwhelming... I will be lurking I am sure, I will post when you need support I will always be here....
Here is the In Remembrance thread where you can link to your photos.
Sara, I'm so sorry :hug: Even though I lost mine at only 6 weeks, I remember what it feels to 'birth' and see everything. I hated it at the time, but now I look back and am thankful that I got that much of my babies.
Yesterday was a VERY bad day for me. I found out that my cousin is pregnant again. I won't share my opinion of her parenting of her current 6 children, but suffice to say, in my mind she doesn't deserve it. It made me so angry, so heartsick to think of another baby being born into that household. I felt like I'd been stabbed when Mum told me, and I promptly went to my bedroom and sobbed until the valium kicked in. I feel a little guilty now, because she got rid of all her baby things after her last bub, so she has nothing now. Mum suggested that I might want to give her the few things I've collected for my ever-distant baby, but I refused. I don't want her to have my baby's things.....is that wrong?
HPL, I understand :hug: Take the time you need sweetheart, we'll be waiting when you get back.
Sara: :hug: for you im so sorry for the loss of your beautiful boy Reid and that is so sad your milk is coming in, can you get a script for dostinex to stop it ?
HPL: i understand the need to have a break :hug: to you and i hope you can make it back here when you need support
Keike: :hug: for you to, personally i don't think you are wrong, i would have a hard to time giving up my unused things for someone else, especially when you are still hoping for your own bub
Keike no way don't give her your baby things they are for your baby who is circling around trying to decide when it's time to land. xx
Oh Sara, I'm so sorry this has happened to you. My heart aches for your loss. :( You're very brave to share your story so soon. What a traumatic experience.
Keike- I wouldn't give away my baby stuff either. I understand. I had a 6 pack of NB socks in my drawers for 3 years, untouched. They were for Shelby. Nobody was taking my precious things. :hug:
Sara - so sorry for what you are going through. my heart breaks for you.
Keike - There is no reason for you to feel you should give away your baby stuff. People will give her lots of gifts and be buying her things regardless of whether you hand over your baby things. She wouldnt even notice. I am sure your mum meant well, but I dont understand why she would suggest it. Did she think it would be closure for you or helpful emotionally??
I really hope you dont feel pressured to do something you dont want to do.
HPL - always thinking of you and sending cyber hugs your way. See you back here hopefully on a happier thread when its right for you.
AFM - not much going on, just wanted to check in and see how everyone was doing.
Oh Sara .. I am so sorry Reid couldn't stay with you. I am heartbroken for you.. truly I am. :comfort:
Tilly girl - I've been thinking about you today also.. I'm sorry I don't have the right words. But I guess no words are right, are they. x
Hope - Oh hun, know we are here when you are ready to join us once more. Thinking of you xx
Keike - Geeze that just blows, doesn't it. It really isn't fair. I don't understand how the universe lets this happen. No, no do not give her your stuff. It is yours. It is for your baby. :hug:
Diamond :hug:
Listening to John butlers song, "spring". Please, please, please please, those having a hard time - you tube it. and google the lyrics. Listen to it. It will fill your heart.
My body is playing tricks on me. If I wasn't so stubborn. I'd probably admit I'm having another miscarriage. But I am stubborn. So I'm going to say I am imagining everything. And this is just a crazy AF.
Love to all.
x
Oh god Sara, I can't believe it. I am so sorry.
Little Reid you were so loved and wanted. I wish you could have stayed.
Sorry am away at the moment. Just popped in and saw Sara's post. I'll read back more tomorrow. All my strength xx
Thank you all so much for your kind words and suppot.
Today I am organing Reid's cremation. Never in my life did I ever think I would be organising a burial for my own child. Never. I almost feeling selfish saying.
I feel suprisingly strong. Right now anyways.
Once again, thanks all.
I hope I can offer you all the same support soon.
Remember you don't have to stay strong Sara. You can scream, cry.. Do what you need beautiful. I hope today isn't too horrible :hug: