Miscarriage/Loss General Discussion #2

Good morning ladies :grouphug:

How is everyone this morning? I'm doing ok.

Sara, I am so sorry for your loss. I completely understand about organising your child's burial. My uncle died from cancer years ago and my grandfather said at the time that there is something alien about a child being buried before it's parents... something wrong... :hug:

I pray you'll continue to have the strength you need to get through the next couple of days.

HPL: I get the break thing. Take your time. Enjoy your beautiful DD and lovely DH, spend time with your family, do whatever you need to do.

Keike: That must be heartbreaking for you, I am so sorry. And no, I don't think its wrong to want to keep your things for your baby.

Sara take your time. There are enough of us here able to support at the moment, able to hold your hand. I thought of you all night. I wish there was something I could do. Remember I'm only over bay side if you need an IRL help.

Oh Telly, NO! Not again. Why?! You don't deserve this.Nobody does. But especially not my beautiful friend. :( I realise now how ominous my msg to you was. My radar wasn't clouded. :( I wish I still lived around the corner to offer you squishy hugs and tequilla shots. Do you have IRL support? Do you even tell anyone?

A solitary tear rolls down my cheek for you. :(

Sending strength and love for you today Sarah :hug:

Diamond: How are you today sweet?

OP - I love your little sig additiong :)

Telly - The words I wanna say will only be consored. Can you take it really easy for the next couple of days and hope for the best?

Fricken hell. My cousin that's pregnant? I just got told her 17 year old daughter is too.

Oh Telly, I'm so sorry I missed your post. Dear telly, that is just not fair. :hug: Be kind to yourself.

Keike: thanks, and oh my gosh, are you serious? Sigh. That must just be a double blow. I don't even know what to say. Wish I could give you a big hug in person. Go bash a pillow or something. :comfort:

Hi all,

Sara - Big hugs for today and for having to organise Reid's cremation. It must be so awful for you, but Im so glad you feel strong. You very much deserve to feel strong and never feel guilty for that. Also, I know it is not the same but at only 12 weeks gestation my milk was there. I was thinking of my baby in the shower on Saturday morning and I saw a few drops of milk dripping. I broke down so bad that DH had to come and see what was wrong. I can only imagine how difficult it would be to deal with your milk coming in and having no baby to feed.:hug:

Hope - I totally understand you needing a break, we will be here for you when you are able to re-join us. :hug:

Telly - I cant believe how incredibly unfair this is for you. Im so sorry. Its ok to pretend if it helps. Hugs always to you my dear friend. :hug:

Keike - How awful for you. You need to keep your baby clothes because you will need them for your own baby. There is no way I will part with my baby stuff, no way, never, even if I never get to use it again. Im sorry you have to deal with this atm. :hug:

MM- :hug:

OP - Im sorry you had to open that bill, I hate getting those reminders that stab you in the heart. I hope today is a better day :hug:

AFM - Feeling a bit better today. I have cleaned my house top to bottom which Ive enjoyed since I was too sick to move for 6 weeks straight. It was DS2s 3rd birthday yesterday and it was very much a bittersweet day. I was so happy he has been in our lives for three glorious years, but at the same time it was hard because of everything that's happened.

Hey ladies. I'm okay. Really. I'm not 100% sure it's a miscarriage.
I was feeling very pregnant. You know that feeling. Even DH mentioned he thought I might be UTD. Got what appeared to be implantation bleeding. Was getting quietly excited. But refusing to do a stick test, as I wanted to hold out as long as possible. Then a couple of days ago my "period" began. Extremely heavy. Cramping. Crazy amounts of clots. Every time I took a step I could feel it coming out.... I'm sure you all know what I'm describing.

But. I never took the test. So I'll never know for certain. Wise words from a bb friend were if I really *wanted* to know. Or if I would rather palm it off as a crazy AF. I decided option two was better for my heart. Today my bleeding is still very heavy, but the clots are not as large. Who knows. If it was, it was early days, 4.5 weeks. My other miscarriages were 9 & 10 weeks

Shelby. No, I don't tell anyone but you girls. I find that awkwardness IRL just isn't worth it. *sigh* You are such an incredibly supportive friend. I'm so lucky to have you xx

Infact... All you girls. Its just so so nice.. so lovely to have an ear there listening. I really appreciate you all. Thank you xx

Keike - wow! so she'll be grandma and a new mum roughly the same time? .. I'm sorry... :hug:

Sara how did today go?

Love to all xx

Telly- Oh, oh. Again my eyes are stinging reading your post. You're right, option 2 is easier on your heart. I'm so sorry you don't have IRL support. I wish I had the money to come up for a visit. You know I'm just a phonecall away though, and thanks to Wonderboy, I'm awake at random times through the night. You call me anytime. We can just sob quietly together, if you like. :hug: On a slightly lighter note, we might wind up TTC together. ;) Bitter-sweet, eh?

Keike- :( Sometimes stuff like this feels like the universe is rubbing salt in our wounds. You must want to scream, and I don't blame you one bit.

Sara- Thinking of you, and sending extra strength :hug:

OP- You seem to have some of your sparkle back, hun. It's so heartening to see, there's so much to feel sad about lately, it seems.

Sorry if I've missed anyone, that was a marathon post on my phone.

Hi Ladies,

Today is the day they will cremate Reid's body. I haven't cried yet but I feel I'm just sittin on the edge.

I'm going through "its just not fair" day I think. I can't help but think how I should almost be 18 weeks and that he should be in m belly kicking around and happy. These thoughts pull at my heart big time. The make me want to go back and have another baby now.

What are all your thoughts on TTC again?

I'm all over the place. One minute I'm thinking about having another baby and the next I'm thinking, maybe I'll just wait and get the remainder of Uni out of the way next year.

We had planned for me to take the year off Uni next year and have baby so thats what part of me thinks we should just do. But then it does make sense to finish Uni now aswell.

I just wish none of this ever happened and I didnt even need to be having these thoughts :cry:

If only this was just a dream....

Thinking of you Telly :hug:

Sara, huge hugs to you today as you have to do what no mother should ever have to. Im thinking of you today :hug: Just wanted to let you know your thoughts echo mine re the unfairness and why me, that my baby should be alive and kicking. As for TTC, I dont know what to do either. All my plans for next year have changed and sometimes I cant handle knowing that. I hate the morning...when you realise its real and not a dream. Its all so unfair, we dont deserve this, none of us do :hug:

DG: I just wanted to come in and see how you were doing. Have you thought about seeing what a different dr says about the possibility of trying again?? Are there any options. I know its been a few weeks but the hurt doesnt just go away - did you look into some counselling?

:grouphug: for everyone else especially Sara xxoo

Sara was thinking of you today.

The only thing that got me through my losses was the TTC and the next pregnancy. But thats me. I know others that need time time heal.

Uni would be great out of the way, but gees its a bloody hard job to go back to for another year while you should have been holding your Reid. Not sure if i could do that without another one in my belly.

Telly: I am so sorry i missed your post....hugs

OP: i love your sig, but wish you had never had to do it!

DG: the remembering it all over again is the worst. You should be putting your hands on your belly in the mornings feeling your baby kick!

This thread is breaking my heart. It's just not fair. :grouphug:

So much sadness and heartbreak for such nice people. And no answer as to why.

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This thread is breaking my heart. It's just not fair. :grouphug:

So much sadness and heartbreak for such nice people. And no answer as to why.

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:grouphug:

I think for me it's easier when there is no answer, because if there is a reason, if this is intentional.... then yikes, I can't stomach that.

True dat Maruschke.

Well, apparently my cousin's daughter ISN'T pregnant. TBH, I won't believe that until July next year when she was apparently due. Her mum is incredibly secretive and deceitful - none of her family (even her other kids) found out about the last bub until a month before her EDD, even though she'd known the whole time! :o

Sara, follow your heart. It knows the right path to take. :hug: I wanted to TTC too immediately after my early mc. I can only imagine if I were further along like you, I'd only feel more strongly that ache to be pg again. :( I wish things were different. I've been thinking of you today.

I fell off the edge. My mum left today. I feel like she took the veil covering my grief with her.

The pain is almost unbearable. I feel so empty. Like there's a huge hole right in the core of me.

My uterus is playing tricks on me. I keep having spasms which feel just like baby kicks. Its torture.

My hand is still instinctively moving to my nestle my belly.

I'm watching "One Born Every Minute". There's a couple on there who've been through the torture of miscarriage aswell. 4 of them. She needs a c-sect but they have a beautiful baby boy - Jack. He's so beautiful.

My boy was beautiful to. :cry:

I keep going over how I would have pulled him up out of the water when he was born in May. How happy we would have been that he was a boy. How happy that he was healthy. But then I remember.

I think i've decided that we'll try again in February. One Dr said wait 2-3 months. Another said 6-12 months. And ofcourse DP heard this and said not until 6-12 months and is pressuring me to go back to Uni.

Its more than just going back. If I go back and finish next year, I will have to go straight out into the workforce. Then that will most def put TTC off for at least 2 years. Thats so long. So I think Feb is good enough time for my body to recoup.

I feel so, so $hit that my posts are all about me :( I'm so sorry. I wish I could give you more support.

Sara i have seen you around BB for years now. You are always there for others..... Dont feel bad for it being about you! Vent, cry, scream. No one expects you to use your much needed energy to focus on anyone other than yourself!

By god i wish it wasnt your turn, but please let us carry you, please!

Sara: i don't know what to say to you but im sending you :hug: please don't feel bad, you concentrate on yourself :hug:

hi to everyone else

knock knock... it is with a heavy heart that I come in.... I am fairly certain I am in the beginning stages of a miscarriage, I have had brown discharge for 2 days straight, and tonight ever so slight beginnings of pain. My symptoms have certainly faded in the last two days, and the waves of grief have been coming and coming... I feel not hopeful, nor negative, I just am in it, I don't know what's going on scientifically but 'i know'... An answer either way would be useful I guess, because then the dance of not knowing what is going on could end and I could be in one side and truly be in what is being asked.

Today as I cried and cried my husband silently rubbed rose oil all over my body, I never knew how moving the grief would be, I never have felt this kind of utter sadness. I have my faith in the bigger picture, a picture that I cannot see nor understand, and in moments that can hold me and support me, and then there are just the moments where the sea of grief is a huge mountain before me......

:( ladybird :grouphug:

Ladybird I am sorry you find yourself in here. I knew within myself 3 days before my middle m/c so I understand. Please don't give up hope and know that if it is what you think it is, we are here to help you, support you, listen to you vent and try to help you mend. I better bunch of women you will not find xxx

THanks Ladies.... I am still here today none the wiser. Still discharge but also now feeling sick again, arghhhhhh what is going on??? I have an US referral so I am going to ring first thing in the morning, and today I am trying to stay steady in the not knowing...... *deep Breath*

:hug: Ladybird.

I hated not knowing. Its painful stuff.

How many weeks are you? Could it be around the time AF was due?

Deep breath sounds needed here ladybird. Thinking of you and hope beyond hope that the u/s shows a wonderful suprise!

Hi Sara,

Firstly, now that I am feeling a little clearer I got a chance to read up the page a bit, thank-you for taking the time to reply even though you are deep in grief yourself. I really appreciated that. And I am thinking of you and your journey right now xxx
I am about 8 weeks along.... supposed to be anyway. Still no changes today still discharge, no pains and nausea again this morning. I wonder how long it takes for the levels to go down??? What is the period connection you talked about???


Tegam, thanks for replying, I have taken a huge breath and felt to get on with things until I know either way. THis is totally out of my control and dropping into that surrender has been quite an experience. Not long until I can call for an appointment, I guess the nerves will build again then.

Sorry to hear your news Ladybird. I think you should make an appointment right away because being in limbo like that is really hard.

AFM - I called SidsnKids on Friday because I wasnt coping. I mean, I cant even go out to the shops without having a meltdown because there is someone who is either pg or has a newborn. So I spoke to a lovely counsellor who was so kind and let me cry as much as I needed to and get it all out. She understood what I was going through because it had happened to her too. She will call me back this week to see how I am.

Ladybird. You sound as calm as can be expected. Your levels should reflect you weeks so you should have to wait to know either way

DG glad you made the call. Hugs

Sara I've read your other threads too. Just remember there is no right way or wrong way to get thru this and no one is going to judge you for any of your thoughts or feelings. And nothing you do from here on changes your relationship with Reid. Hugs

OP how are you going.

Sorry if I missed anyone. Just on my phone but wanted to check in on you guys.

Hi all,

DG: big hugs to you. :hug: As I said elsewhere, you have been through so much this year - 3 in one year - it is no wonder you are struggling my dear. Doesn't it feel like everyone around you is growing babies now hey? I know that feeling. I'm so glad you spoke with someone who understands. I also found that really helpful... I hope you can continue to lean on her and talk things out.

Ladybird: How are you doing this afternoon? Have you managed to get in somewhere? Can you get an emergency scan? I really hope you can get some answers and hope that some miracle has occurred. How wonderful that would be!

Sara, how are you? :hug: I'm so sorry I didn't respond to your post earlier where you talked about falling off the edge - I know exactly what you mean and reading your post brought that moment flooding back to me... the pain, the anguish, oh how I wish I could take that away from you. You can't breathe, you can't speak, you can't ... you just can't.

And the empty feeling. Oh, I know what you mean. It still hasn't left me. Just empty.

There's a big black hole, right inside me. Empty.

I think of you often. :comfort:

Tegam, thank you for checking in. I am doing ok. I am getting there. I have moments of pain... but they pass.

We have a decision to make. TTC, or no. I don't know.

Oh you girls are just an amazing bunch of Women. I've been ever so lucky to have such a supportive bunch around me during this time. I'm so appreciative to be a member of this forum and to have you all here.

Thank you :hug:

Ladybirdflies - You're more than welcome hun. I'm used to it being me that provides the support. What I mean by your period being due is that with some women, at the time your period would have been due (ie 4 weeks, 8 weeks & 12 weeks) it is possible to have some bleeding. From what I know, the bleeding is apparently because the pregnancy hormones haven't taken full effect over the uterus and the lower part of the uterus bleeds at the time the period would have been due. Don't jump to conclusions just yet. The only way to know for sure is to have an ultrasound. By 8 weeks you will definately see whether babe is ok or not. Have you had one yet?

OP - I'm doin ok hun. Taking everyday as it comes. I'm feeling fairly positive atm. Not placing any pressure on myself. I hate that emptiness. When I'm around pregnancy or babies, I want my body to be filled again. Want to feel my baby kicking, moving and squirming around in me. I'm kinda at a point now that I dont want to dwell on that though. I know all the yearning in the world isnt going to bring him back. Nothing is going to change. So i'm trying to remain positive and apprecaite the time I had with him and focus on what this experience has changed in me. I miss him so much but I'm so glad that I got to meet him and know him.

Tegam - Thanks hun. Yeah i know what your saying. None can tell us whats right for us. And as I slowly recover, I see that now. I dont give hoot if people dont think its the right time. They haven't lived in my experience and know what we've been through. Mind you, i'm my biggest crytic...no-one has even said anything negative yet. I just worry what people WILL say. You're a gem hun! Thanks for your regular visits! xxx

DG - Massive hugs hun. Do what you have to hun. I'm going to get along to the next SANDS meeting. Have you thought about doing the same?

Just a pop in, I will be back later to reply properly...they found an empty sac, no pole (2 weeks ago there was a pole) Not sure what we are going to do yet, probably wait it out. I will come back to ask all about that later and read your updates. Pretty sad, and feeling very very quiet in myself.... I will be back soon x

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Just a pop in, I will be back later to reply properly...they found an empty sac, no pole (2 weeks ago there was a pole) Not sure what we are going to do yet, probably wait it out. I will come back to ask all about that later and read your updates. Pretty sad, and feeling very very quiet in myself.... I will be back soon x

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Loads and loads of :hug: hun

We'll be here when you're ready!
xxxx

Oh Ladybirdflies :( As hard as it is, at least you KNOW now. Doesn't make it any better though, I know :hug:

OP - Professor and I can't decide on that either, so we've just basically ignored it and aren't using protection. If it happens it happens. Do you think that could be an option for you?

AFM - I've had a couple of family members (sister and pregnant cousin) ripping in to me over the past week, to the point where I've blocked them both on FB. I don't need their crap at the moment. The pregnant one is angry at me because I'm not jumping for joy about her latest pregnancy and my sister is sticking with her. They both say 'crap happen, get over it and stop being a drama queen'. Nice.

I'm sneaking in to give massive hugs to LB .... I'm so so sorry :-(
Also to Sara, i've been reading n I'm sooooo sorry my dear...

Ladies who know me, I'm doing better - not ready just yet to come back, DH n I have decided to name our baby (son) which is bringing back a lot of emotions, but we need to do it to heal.....

Support n love from a far - you are always in my thoughts and love ....

:hug: Ladybird I am so sorry. Sounds like similar circumstances to my last miscarriage. I chose to wait it out because I had already started bleeding. I think it was the worst miscarriage emotionally for me. I hope you've got support IRL.

DG, Im glad the S&K counsellor was able to help you by listening. Id never have though of ringing them.

Sara, I dont know what to say except Im so sorry and I think your amazing :hug:

Chugging along here. In limbo. I had a friend ask me the other day if I was scared about TTC again. And honestly, I am so scared it makes me feel sick. Im supposed to have sorted out a Dr to manage the clexane etc because I have to be on it ASAP after a + hpt and we're planning on trying in a few weeks but Ive just been putting off and putting it off, subconciously I think its so I dont have to think about everything. Ugh. I really hope it works first go because I just dont know if I have the energy to ride the merry go round again.

HI everyone... nothing much has changed physically around here, still discharge and nothing else. I have been pretty sad, well not pretty sad... really really sad. I had a huge release of a cry last night, just sobbed and let it all move through me, today i feel less like crying but so very tired. The symptoms are certainly reducing yet my body still has not let go. So I still feel quite stuck in limbo land, I know waiting it out is best for me at this stage, I just guess I must have thought something more would be happening by now, considering I have had this brown discharge since last Friday..... I went down the street today, and it was really hard. I actually avoided one of my really close friends because I just can't go there and say it out loud. That seems so odd to me that I can't and don't want to say anything, I want them to know but I feel like a school girl wanting someone else to tell them for me. Not because I am embarrassed or anything, I just guess I am not ready. Maybe because I haven't actually bled, I feel like I am still so in it, like current not past tense... sorry for the ramble, I really came in to say I appreciate the selfless support that you ladies have offered even though in your own pains. And once I feel clear I know I can support you all also, but right now its cloudy...

Oh no LB I am so so sorry :(

:grouphug:

Im so sorry LB. Its especially hard when you are still going through all the physical stuff. I hope it ends quickly for you. Avoid people as long as you need to.:hug:

Bad day for me. I put away my maternity pants. I tried to iron them but just holding them was too much, so I quickly folded them all and put them into the back of my drawer. I wondered why I should bother, as if I'll ever get to the point in pg where I'll really need them. Then I opened my other drawer I saw my leftover maxalon pills. What I wouldnt do to be still throwing up daily. I was in hospital too for dehydration, but still my baby didnt live. I have next to no hope left....tomorrow, please be a better day because today Im so sad.

Oh DG I couldn't read your post and not reply..... Be strong when you can, have bad days and have days you completely fall apart, them breath and take anoter step forward - eventually we take more forward steps then backward ones my dear

Today I took a leap forward and held my friends precious little girl who is 2wks old .... She was born 2 days after our 'son' was born... Was very difficult at first but then she grabbed my finger and I just knew I would one day hold my own baby again...

My son may not be here, he is with his sister/brother looking down over DD but one day not sure when but one day I will have a live babe again...

DG I think what I mean is it's ok to have a bad day even a hundred becuase there will be one day where you do something and just know you will okay, it may not be that day, but you know that one day soon you will be okay again....

***sneaks back out again, but kinda still hangs around :) **