Ladies,

I need some advice about how to support a friend of mine. We're not close friends, and I know she has a much closer circle of support around her, which is why I'm not sure how to support her myself.

My friend called me today and said that she had a miscarriage and will be going in for a D&C next week. I expect she only told me because we were meant to see each other next week and she needed to cancel those plans. I'm pregnant, so I imagine that I'm not the person she wants to confide in right now, and I respect that.

I am aware that this is not her first miscarriage - she had one before her DD was born a few years ago.

I went through IVF to conceive, and experienced a chemical pregnancy last year. I found it completely devastating, and also found that I didn't want to spend time with anyone at the time, other than my DH. I didn't want any attention brought to it, and in fact I got annoyed when one of my friends insisted on calling me all the time and giving me gifts to commemorate the loss. I appreciate that other people have different ways of grieving, but my way was to crawl under a blanket and hide from the world. One reason that I didn't want to talk about it endlessly was that I felt that the loss was very deeply personal, and private, and it was hard to talk about something that was not "tangible" or easy to articulate.

My initial reaction today, when my friend told me about her loss was to want to send her flowers. But I appreciate that she may not want that, and in particular may not want that from me, the pregnant lady.

So...how can I support her without intruding, making her feel worse, or reminding her of something that she may not wish to be reminded of? How can I give her the space to grieve and let her know that I care and that I am thinking of her? Is a card too much? Is it okay to give her a small gift with no card, just to let her know that I'm thinking of her without giving her "hollow words"?

my heart is broken for her, but I know that if it was me then the pregnant women around me would be the last people I'd want to speak to.