Need advice on how to support my friend

[Persephone1]

Ladies,

I need some advice about how to support a friend of mine. We're not close friends, and I know she has a much closer circle of support around her, which is why I'm not sure how to support her myself.

My friend called me today and said that she had a miscarriage and will be going in for a D&C next week. I expect she only told me because we were meant to see each other next week and she needed to cancel those plans. I'm pregnant, so I imagine that I'm not the person she wants to confide in right now, and I respect that.

I am aware that this is not her first miscarriage - she had one before her DD was born a few years ago.

I went through IVF to conceive, and experienced a chemical pregnancy last year. I found it completely devastating, and also found that I didn't want to spend time with anyone at the time, other than my DH. I didn't want any attention brought to it, and in fact I got annoyed when one of my friends insisted on calling me all the time and giving me gifts to commemorate the loss. I appreciate that other people have different ways of grieving, but my way was to crawl under a blanket and hide from the world. One reason that I didn't want to talk about it endlessly was that I felt that the loss was very deeply personal, and private, and it was hard to talk about something that was not "tangible" or easy to articulate.

My initial reaction today, when my friend told me about her loss was to want to send her flowers. But I appreciate that she may not want that, and in particular may not want that from me, the pregnant lady.

So...how can I support her without intruding, making her feel worse, or reminding her of something that she may not wish to be reminded of? How can I give her the space to grieve and let her know that I care and that I am thinking of her? Is a card too much? Is it okay to give her a small gift with no card, just to let her know that I'm thinking of her without giving her "hollow words"?

my heart is broken for her, but I know that if it was me then the pregnant women around me would be the last people I'd want to speak to.

[STARRYSKY]

I think the card is a beautiful gesture and maybe even just writing from the heart exactly how you feel, basically what you have just posted, that you have reservations about doing it as having BTDT yourself you only know how you coped but just wanted her to know that you were thinking of her.
You are lovely person to be thinking of trying to support her. xx

[Mildez]

I don't really have any advise just wanted to say how intune you are with how she might be feeling. I wish more of my friends were like you and would stop trying to commemorate my loss. 6months on I am still a conplete mess which is only made worse by friends bring up what has happened when all I want to do is dwell in my own self pity.
I hope you find a nice way to let her know your thinking of her. I am sure knowing how it feels and be so intune with how people grieve differently you wont add to her heartache.

[Lulu]

Have you the type of relationship that you could directly ask her? What can i do?

I know what you mean about people grieving differently but I *think at the end of the day a meal delivered is always a wonderful gesture. It's not so in your face iykwim?

xoxoxo

[Tegam]

I think that you can over think it. Do what feels right. A meal is always lovely. A card in not intrusive. Don't over think being pregnant, its not an unusual thing and something she will have to face sooner rather than later. Can u offer to have her child over to play? Make some play dough or gather some age appropriate activities so the child is amused if the mummy need some time to herself????

[luna moth]

Send the flowers. Or call. Or send a message saying "I'd love to call you - when is a good time?" and leave it in her court.

This is all based on my feelings in July last year. Not enough people made the first move, and I got so so SO sick of always being the one to take the deep breath and call someone, or be the first to talk about "it."
As for pregnant friends... depending how much she knows your history, it might be OK. I know for me, I cope really well with pregnancy announcements if I know it's someone who's taken a hard road to get there. I don't know why - it's like it feels "safe" and they're less likely to say unappreciative or ungrateful things about their pregnancy, or use stupid cliches in an attempt to make you feel better.

So, that's sort of my advice. Give her a bit of time, then make an offer to see her, or talk. And then don't be upset if she doesn't want to.

You'll know what to do.