Reassessing friendships after loss

[dory]

I have a dilemma, and I would appreciate some ideas.

I was wondering if anyone had reassessed their friendships following their loss or losses and found that some just took more than they gave? And if so you, what you then did?

I have a friend. I thought we were quite close, and even though it was a relatively new friendship ad she was always a bit clingy and possessive, I discounted that as she had recently experienced some tough times in her life.

After my daughter Amelia was born in Feb this year, she was one of the first people to visit me. The visit started out well enough, but as it went on, she spoke almost exclusively about herself, and how she was devastated by my loss. At first, I appreciated her sentiments as an acknowledgement the enormity of what had happened. But then things took a turn I didn't expect when she said " I ( referring to herself) have lost a daughter". She said it several times after that. I tried to just accept what she said as an acknowledgement of my loss, but I struggled. I felt like she was trying to take possession of my daughter, of my experiences, of my memories and my grief.

The next time I saw her she said the same thing, and the time after that.

I have since then put up a wall to that friend. I struggled with that decision, mostly because I have never done something like that before and because I didn't tell her why I was doing it.

About 4 weeks after my third baby Sophie died, the same friend called me ( I don't think she called me when my son Nicholas died) and didn't ask about me but rather talked about something I could have cared less about at the time. During the call I could feel what little positive energy I had fought hard to built up just draining away from me and all I could think about was wanting desperately to end the call but not knowing how.

I still feel like putting up the wall was the right decision to make, especially after the way I felt during the phone call, but this friend is part of a larger friendship group and I am likely to have to encounter her into the future. At the moment I have isolated myself a little as a part of my grieving process, but the day will come when I have to confront my "friend". I don't really want her as a "friend" anymore, because I think she just takes more from me than what she offers me.

Any tips or ideas?

I never expected that losing friendships would be part of my grieving. I suppose I didn't expect to consolidate friendships either and I have discovered some really amazing friends too, who have just been amazing.