Christmas - how do you deal with it?

[NaeNae]

I am just wondering how others are dealing with the lead up to Christmas?

The funeral director suggested that the lead up is worse than the actual day, it never occured to me that I would get so emotional - every christmas carol, excited kids and we're still a few weeks away yet

Does it get better as each year passes? I just cannot seem to stop crying lately

Everyone is just so excited and I just want to thump them ... no not really ... but it sucks that everyone elses gets to enjoy the "festive season" and is so darn happy and I just feel like my heart has been ripped out.

I cannot believe that even some people who I am close too have forgotten this years events and just don't think when they open their mouths about how we should get together and celebrate afterall its the time when loved ones get together

ok so far I am not dealing with Christmas so well mental note to self must be cheerier and meet the festive season with a smile will that do?

[ShootingStar]

Hey Nae Nae,

I cannot offer you any words from experience. Christmas to many is a special time of year. To you it still also can be. You have been through alot this year.. some happy moments and some sad. I would just take Christmas one step at a time and in a way just celebrate what you have acheived this year. Even though Nikita is not with you in person, i know she will be with you in spirit on Christmas Day, and im sure she would still love to be celebrated.

Maybe even just make it a special one for you and your DH. One that you can maybe just rejoice together. Light a candle for you both and one for your little angel.
Big Take care hun.

[{sarah}]

This is from the article on the main BB site about Infertility & Christmas, but I suspect that some of the ideas would help you too Nae.

Decide to:

* Plan to see your parents or other family members a week or two beforehand so they know you care about them. This will leave you free to spend the day quietly.

* Be selective about the invitations you accept to parties & in particular those where there will be lots of children or pregnant women. Remember, that you don't have to accept every invitation.

* Attend a late Christmas Eve church service rather than the Family service on Christmas Day.

* If you find family Christmas gatherings too painful, make plans to spend some time with people who do not have children.

* Be kind to yourself by doing some things you really enjoy such as bush walking, going to the theatre, planning a special holiday or just immersing yourself in a good book.

* Take time to share your feelings with your partner. Allow yourself at these times to feel sad, deprived or depressed. In sharing them you may be able to help each other through this difficult time.

* Express your appreciation to your friends and family who have supported you through the year. Stay in touch with other friends who understand your position and may be able to offer support.

* Accept the hurt you experience because it is evidence of the love you have for the child you mourn.

* Plan to develop your own traditions and rituals to celebrate special occasions. This will give them meaning, while reducing painful reminders.

* On Mother's Day and Father's Day you may like to give your partner a small memento to recognise they are still a parent.

Decide not to:

* Shop at large shopping towns where families, children and Santas abound.

* Feel guilty about not participating in all the traditional family celebrations. You need to concentrate on supporting each other through the holiday season.

* Pretend that there's nothing wrong and carry on with "business as usual".

* Be caught off guard by unexpected or embarrassing questions about your plans to have a family.

* Forget that you need each other especially during this difficult time.

* Expect others to understand your pain. Refer to it briefly and ask that they support you by respecting your choices.

[Spring Angel]

My first Christmas after loosing Harry was hell. DH and I spent the entire day crying, didn't see or speak to anyone (our request) and had vegemite on toast for lunch. We didn't put up a tree or exchange presents.

It may seem horrible to others but I couldn't wait for it all to be over. We locked ourselves anyway, pumped up the aircon and watched movies in bed. We just cried and cried.

You know what, it is what we needed to do and was the best for us. Don't feel pressured to get into Christmas if you don't want to. Do something to commemorate your special little lady. The only gift we got was a book for Harry which we read to him on the day. We burned a candle all day in his memory. We needed to grieve, not celebrate. It actually was quite healing just to wallow in our pain.

I'm happy to say the following Christmas was very different and a day will come when you want to celebrate again.

My advice, do what is best for you. Don't feel obliged to go to family/friend events if you don't want to. They will understand and if they don't well they can just get over it.

HTH
Take care hun.

[Gabi]

I understand a little bit how you are feeling because I remember Christmas last year I was meant to be celebrating with my first born child. Instead I'd had a late miscarriage, and then a first trimester miscarriage. d. So I thought at least I would have had a lovely large belly for family to coo over. My baby's name was removed from the family Christmas present list. Yeah, it's basically the pits. Meanwhile everyone is happy and sharing their time with their children. To make it worse, the previous Christmas was when we announced our first pregnancy, so I had those memories to deal with. And I was pregnant again with my son, having been told that it was my body killing my children, and I was taking meds to help me carry the baby and while on our Christmas break I had to stop taking progesterone (on doctor's orders) and hope that my placenta would kick in and work this time.

Urgh. Sorry.

But I think the director is right. The actual day is not as bad as the build up. I ended up being surrounded by people who love me, and that did help.

I didn't do this last year, but this year I am planning to start a Christmas tradition for the babies I lost. I am thinking of buying them a Christmas present, some girls from my church are going overseas to help children in a third world country and we can give them a certain amount of money to buy a Christmas present for a child there. I think it helps to do something special to remember your baby, to acknowledge that your family is made up of more than just the people physically present around the tree. I also think it's a good idea to talk to the people who have been there for you (for me it was more really just one person), and let them know your feelings re Christmas and what acknowledgement you hope for. Often people who haven't lost a child will not know how hard Christmas can be, letting them know that you would like some acknowledgement of your child will help them to help you on the day.

One other thing I found that helped was New Years. 2007 was awful for us, I looked forward to 2008 so much. New Years was a great feeling.

I'm sorry that you're not spending this Christmas with Nikita

[Gabi]

My experience was different to yours. I didn't spend as much time with my Gabi as you did with Nikita - but in my experience it does get better with time. This Christmas is not the same to me.

[Visitor8]

Don't have anything helpful to say sorry but wanted to send you a HUGE virtual hug!

[mummy of many]

Hi ladies, just saying a quick hello. Hope you are all doing ok,as it`s draws closer to xmas,the days seem to be flying by. It`s my DH`s Birthday so we have had a good night with family & some friends today . I got my other kids Santa photo`s done today,not as good as I had hoped for,but anyway.......... I had some bubbley tonight,not a drinker,now paying for it with a nice headache,lol.

Nae- Does it really hurt to get a Tattoo? A couple of people have told me it really hurts,but I`ve been through alot of pain in my life! I would like my son Brendan in a Tattoo with Angel wings coming out from behing him,I got a quote for it though, wait for it !!......$500.00.Still just thinking about it.

Hope all you lovely ladies are good,will catch up soon,going to relax with DH,for a while now. Have a lovely night all.
Love & Peace everyone.

[NaeNae]

Hey Susan,

it sounds gorgeous where are you thinking of getting it done? I have one on the underside of my wrist left hand, one lower back, two on my tummy and one on my left ankle.

My back piece is the biggest and was the least painful my ankle is one of the smaller ones and hurt the most.

The outlines are more painful than the shading, shading feels a bit like scratching in the one spot over and over, the outline can bite a bit I guess its like a cat scratch on sunburn? but everyone has different pain thresholds and depending on your time of month can make a difference to with how you cope with pain.

$500 is not too bad make sure the tattooist is reputable ask around etc.

My back and wrist pieces were from good tattooist and you really can see a difference between those and the 3 from a dodgy one the quality in the ink and the work is clear.

If I didn't live so far away from the guy who did my back piece I'd go back to him the wrist was done when I was in Sweden.

A good one will make you go away and think about it, a bad one will do you straight away

NN x x x

[Miss.B]

Hi Girls,

Couldn't sleep so I thought I'd write about some strange little things that have been happening in the last couple of days....the other day I was on the computer, and on the left side of where I sit is my phone which hangs on the wall ( the computer is in the kitchen/dining area, we have a small 2 bedroom unit so don't have a study ). Well anyway, out of the corner of my eye I saw the phone cord ( which is obviously hanging ) just flip up in the air !!! I looked at the phone for a long time ( wasn't spooked or anything ) and I wondered if Joshua was around.....hmmmmm. How can a cord just flip up !! Gravity, hello !!!!!!!

Then lats night, I must have fallen asleep ( just... ) and I woke up feeling something moving around in my belly ( like a baby moving around ) and then I was trying to focus on someting ( don't know if I was half asleep but I was trying to focus ) and I thought I saw a little blue light hovering in the corner on my bedroom so then I was fully awake and the light dissapeared and then I heard like someone was walking on the roof and then a couple of other strange noises too like someone was moving around the house but Al and I were the only ones there ....So I just lay there and I was touching my belly, wondering if again Joshua was around or if it was all a dream.....don't know but I wasn't scared.

Anyway, maybe Joshua's around as I've been thinking about him a lot lately ( or I'm going crazy which is also possible ).

Hey girls, all this talk about a totoo, think I'll get a small one ( don't have any yet but I've been wanting one for a while ). Alan's daughter has one on her foot but her's hurt a lot as there's no fat there. I'd probably get one near my hip bone ( ouch )...

Have a great day everyone, sending you all big hugs

Love
Beata xxxx

[Lisa]

Wow Beata... sounds like Josh is definitely there with you. Tell him everything you want him to know... feel his love hun.

As for tattoos... I have 5. I have my eldest son James's name on my right inner ankle under s dolphin, I have Pearl Jam's Stickman (huge fan!) on my right shoulder blade, I have a butterfly with Madeleine under it on my left shoulderblade, on my left inner wrist I have my ambigram which says Noah facing my way, and upside down it says Angel, and on my left outer ankle between my achilles tendon & ankle bone is a tiny star I got in rememberence of my MC.
I have a few more planned... I am thinking of getting a car tattooed on me for Harrison... and I am getting a tattoo for my husband (he is getting a portrait of me tattooed on him when we go O/sea's.)

I would have to say my least painful tattoo was my inner wrist. My most painful was my inner ankle. I totally agree with Nae's description of what it feels like... it is a warm, scratching feeling... essentially the ink is being carved & burned into your skin... it is no where near as painful as most people make it out to be. With my last tattoo's (Noah & star ones) the most ouchy part was the antiseptic spray they put on at the end.

Susan - I highly recommend Sleevemasters Tattoo in Kings Cross... they do phenomenal work (they've done one of mine & one of DH's) I'll be going there for my next few tattoo's as they are so amazing... Kiwi Kim is another great artist, she was at Wicked Ink in Penrith but I'm not sure if she is still there. There is also Sydney's Tattoo & Body Art Expo coming up on 6th, 7th & 8th March at Sydney Show Ground. I am thinking about heading down there for a look around