I understand a little bit how you are feeling because I remember Christmas last year I was meant to be celebrating with my first born child. Instead I'd had a late miscarriage, and then a first trimester miscarriage. d. So I thought at least I would have had a lovely large belly for family to coo over. My baby's name was removed from the family Christmas present list. Yeah, it's basically the pits. Meanwhile everyone is happy and sharing their time with their children. To make it worse, the previous Christmas was when we announced our first pregnancy, so I had those memories to deal with. And I was pregnant again with my son, having been told that it was my body killing my children, and I was taking meds to help me carry the baby and while on our Christmas break I had to stop taking progesterone (on doctor's orders) and hope that my placenta would kick in and work this time.
Urgh. Sorry.
But I think the director is right. The actual day is not as bad as the build up. I ended up being surrounded by people who love me, and that did help.
I didn't do this last year, but this year I am planning to start a Christmas tradition for the babies I lost. I am thinking of buying them a Christmas present, some girls from my church are going overseas to help children in a third world country and we can give them a certain amount of money to buy a Christmas present for a child there. I think it helps to do something special to remember your baby, to acknowledge that your family is made up of more than just the people physically present around the tree. I also think it's a good idea to talk to the people who have been there for you (for me it was more really just one person), and let them know your feelings re Christmas and what acknowledgement you hope for. Often people who haven't lost a child will not know how hard Christmas can be, letting them know that you would like some acknowledgement of your child will help them to help you on the day.
One other thing I found that helped was New Years. 2007 was awful for us, I looked forward to 2008 so much. New Years was a great feeling.
I'm sorry that you're not spending this Christmas with Nikita
My experience was different to yours. I didn't spend as much time with my Gabi as you did with Nikita - but in my experience it does get better with time. This Christmas is not the same to me.
Hi Nae Nae,ladies. We lost our 8 year old son Brendan four years ago,he went through a Bone Marrow transplant for a genectic disorder. Our family finds it extremely hard at xmas,especially his older brother & sister,we manage to get by and to remember the goods times we were able to share,but we still feel so much pain four years on,and i dont think that we will ever change,Birthdays,Easter etc.....We also light a candle for our sweet boy just so he knows he is still part of our family and always will be. Sorry to hear some of you are feeling so down,but I have my down days too,but i try my hardest to be nice to people around me,even if I?m ****ed off. I really hate how our family never talks about our son anymore though,it`s like he didn`t exist to some,iykwim. Thinking of you all,just take each day at a time,thats all we can do. Cheers to all.
You know you're not the only one but in my real world (not BB) it is feeling like people just forget what has happened this year and I do feel like we are the only ones.
Niki would have been 7 months old on Christmas Day had she survived.
We are still doing our Christmas Lunch - I always cook a lamb roast and fortunately MIL understands the pain of a loss (as sad as that actually is) my own mother ran the guilt trip by me when I said we were going to keep it low key this year and just stay at home rather than joining them at my Uncles place - my own mother.
A good friend and work colleague and I had a big chat about it this morning, she unfortunately could not have her own babies and she understands how I am feeling about Christmas this year which is really nice .... she eventually did have children 2 adopted and said that in years to follow that there will be joy at Christmas again.
Nae Nae,big s coming your way Hun,I totally understand how you feel,most of my family & DH`s family just don`t like to talk about what happened,Shame! I hope they don`t go through anything like we have in their life time. Hope you get through Chrissy Hun,I`ll be thinking of you & other`s who have been through so much heart ache.Susan.
I just posted a new thread ( so I thought ....) and then I came across your new one and it's almost a carbon copy of yours !!
I'm just so lost in this website, I think I'm posting in the right spot but I don't think I am...
Anyway, wanted to tell you I feel just like you about xmas coming up, and I'm sending you a big hug . I know it really sucks to feel this way, but I think this is all part of our grieving still for our little one.
I seem to be seeing prego women everywhere, and I mean, EVERYWHERE, so I really dont know where I'm gonna do my xmas shopping....by the way, I haven't started yet..
I'm getting very emotional ATM because my due date hasn't arrived yet, and sometimes I still feel pregnant. With my big fibroid, I actually look 6 months pregnant, and when the pregnant women give me that knowing smile, I feel like shouting to them 'I wish I was pregnant like you !'.
Anyway hun, don't do anything you don't want to and have as big or little xmas as you want to. And don't feel guilty that you don't feel like celebrating like the rest of your family. They're not going through the grief like you.
Bib big hugs to you, thinking of you at this crappy time.
Beata70, I read your post about your little one and am soo sorry As you are on the same learning curve as I am and I know how difficult it can be when everything is still so raw and you still have some "firsts" to come, I'd just like to say that if you can (and believe me some days its easier than others) find one thing to be grateful for and write it down on a piece of paper or in a diary. Its amazing how even on the worst day there is always something that will bring a smile to your face.
Susan - thanks so much hun, seems I am having a bad week this week just one blow after another but I know I will get through it, I always do. I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I guess in someways people may not want to talk about him for various reasons a) its upsetting for them because they miss him and may feel like they are upsetting you and your family if they do, b) may not know how to bring him up in conversation.
I make sure when I am talking to people that I mention Nikita's name in the hope that they realise that if I am talking about her then its ok to talk about her. I know its a bit different as she really wasn't alive for very long compared to your son. I also make sure I tell people that they can't possibly make me upset and that I cry anyway and not to feel bad if I cry when I talk to them.... YKWIM??
On a positive note.
When I was going to the shower this morning (we have our shower in the outside bathroom) I glanced over to Niki's memorial garden and noticed and brilliant red and sunny yellow lilly had finally blossomed. they are the cheeriest blooms I now wished I had planted more of them. maybe I can pop some more in next year for Niki's birthday.
I was meant to be celebrating with my first born child. Instead I'd had a late miscarriage, and then a first trimester miscarriage.
I'm sorry that you're not spending this Christmas with Nikita
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Cheers to all.
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