Christmas - how do you deal with it?

[ShootingStar]

Hey Nae Nae,

I cannot offer you any words from experience. Christmas to many is a special time of year. To you it still also can be. You have been through alot this year.. some happy moments and some sad. I would just take Christmas one step at a time and in a way just celebrate what you have acheived this year. Even though Nikita is not with you in person, i know she will be with you in spirit on Christmas Day, and im sure she would still love to be celebrated.

Maybe even just make it a special one for you and your DH. One that you can maybe just rejoice together. Light a candle for you both and one for your little angel.
Big Take care hun.

[{sarah}]

This is from the article on the main BB site about Infertility & Christmas, but I suspect that some of the ideas would help you too Nae.

Decide to:

* Plan to see your parents or other family members a week or two beforehand so they know you care about them. This will leave you free to spend the day quietly.

* Be selective about the invitations you accept to parties & in particular those where there will be lots of children or pregnant women. Remember, that you don't have to accept every invitation.

* Attend a late Christmas Eve church service rather than the Family service on Christmas Day.

* If you find family Christmas gatherings too painful, make plans to spend some time with people who do not have children.

* Be kind to yourself by doing some things you really enjoy such as bush walking, going to the theatre, planning a special holiday or just immersing yourself in a good book.

* Take time to share your feelings with your partner. Allow yourself at these times to feel sad, deprived or depressed. In sharing them you may be able to help each other through this difficult time.

* Express your appreciation to your friends and family who have supported you through the year. Stay in touch with other friends who understand your position and may be able to offer support.

* Accept the hurt you experience because it is evidence of the love you have for the child you mourn.

* Plan to develop your own traditions and rituals to celebrate special occasions. This will give them meaning, while reducing painful reminders.

* On Mother's Day and Father's Day you may like to give your partner a small memento to recognise they are still a parent.

Decide not to:

* Shop at large shopping towns where families, children and Santas abound.

* Feel guilty about not participating in all the traditional family celebrations. You need to concentrate on supporting each other through the holiday season.

* Pretend that there's nothing wrong and carry on with "business as usual".

* Be caught off guard by unexpected or embarrassing questions about your plans to have a family.

* Forget that you need each other especially during this difficult time.

* Expect others to understand your pain. Refer to it briefly and ask that they support you by respecting your choices.

[Spring Angel]

My first Christmas after loosing Harry was hell. DH and I spent the entire day crying, didn't see or speak to anyone (our request) and had vegemite on toast for lunch. We didn't put up a tree or exchange presents.

It may seem horrible to others but I couldn't wait for it all to be over. We locked ourselves anyway, pumped up the aircon and watched movies in bed. We just cried and cried.

You know what, it is what we needed to do and was the best for us. Don't feel pressured to get into Christmas if you don't want to. Do something to commemorate your special little lady. The only gift we got was a book for Harry which we read to him on the day. We burned a candle all day in his memory. We needed to grieve, not celebrate. It actually was quite healing just to wallow in our pain.

I'm happy to say the following Christmas was very different and a day will come when you want to celebrate again.

My advice, do what is best for you. Don't feel obliged to go to family/friend events if you don't want to. They will understand and if they don't well they can just get over it.

HTH
Take care hun.

[Gabi]

I understand a little bit how you are feeling because I remember Christmas last year I was meant to be celebrating with my first born child. Instead I'd had a late miscarriage, and then a first trimester miscarriage. d. So I thought at least I would have had a lovely large belly for family to coo over. My baby's name was removed from the family Christmas present list. Yeah, it's basically the pits. Meanwhile everyone is happy and sharing their time with their children. To make it worse, the previous Christmas was when we announced our first pregnancy, so I had those memories to deal with. And I was pregnant again with my son, having been told that it was my body killing my children, and I was taking meds to help me carry the baby and while on our Christmas break I had to stop taking progesterone (on doctor's orders) and hope that my placenta would kick in and work this time.

Urgh. Sorry.

But I think the director is right. The actual day is not as bad as the build up. I ended up being surrounded by people who love me, and that did help.

I didn't do this last year, but this year I am planning to start a Christmas tradition for the babies I lost. I am thinking of buying them a Christmas present, some girls from my church are going overseas to help children in a third world country and we can give them a certain amount of money to buy a Christmas present for a child there. I think it helps to do something special to remember your baby, to acknowledge that your family is made up of more than just the people physically present around the tree. I also think it's a good idea to talk to the people who have been there for you (for me it was more really just one person), and let them know your feelings re Christmas and what acknowledgement you hope for. Often people who haven't lost a child will not know how hard Christmas can be, letting them know that you would like some acknowledgement of your child will help them to help you on the day.

One other thing I found that helped was New Years. 2007 was awful for us, I looked forward to 2008 so much. New Years was a great feeling.

I'm sorry that you're not spending this Christmas with Nikita

[Gabi]

My experience was different to yours. I didn't spend as much time with my Gabi as you did with Nikita - but in my experience it does get better with time. This Christmas is not the same to me.

[mummy of many]

Hi Nae Nae,ladies. We lost our 8 year old son Brendan four years ago,he went through a Bone Marrow transplant for a genectic disorder. Our family finds it extremely hard at xmas,especially his older brother & sister,we manage to get by and to remember the goods times we were able to share,but we still feel so much pain four years on,and i dont think that we will ever change,Birthdays,Easter etc.....We also light a candle for our sweet boy just so he knows he is still part of our family and always will be. Sorry to hear some of you are feeling so down,but I have my down days too,but i try my hardest to be nice to people around me,even if I?m ****ed off. I really hate how our family never talks about our son anymore though,it`s like he didn`t exist to some,iykwim. Thinking of you all,just take each day at a time,thats all we can do. Cheers to all.

[NaeNae]

Thanks ladies for all of your posts.

You know you're not the only one but in my real world (not BB) it is feeling like people just forget what has happened this year and I do feel like we are the only ones.

Niki would have been 7 months old on Christmas Day had she survived.

We are still doing our Christmas Lunch - I always cook a lamb roast and fortunately MIL understands the pain of a loss (as sad as that actually is) my own mother ran the guilt trip by me when I said we were going to keep it low key this year and just stay at home rather than joining them at my Uncles place - my own mother.

A good friend and work colleague and I had a big chat about it this morning, she unfortunately could not have her own babies and she understands how I am feeling about Christmas this year which is really nice .... she eventually did have children 2 adopted and said that in years to follow that there will be joy at Christmas again.

Its so hard though isn't it!