I think you're really brave to deal with all this, especially without the support of family, and hopefully you'll feel some relief now that you've let it out. Talking about it, even writing about it, is a big step in the process of grieving and being able to move forward. I'm not saying forget about it now, but to be able to acknowledge it and think about it instead of hiding it away and letting it eat at you, it's healing and you can start to move ahead now in your thoughts and life.
Life's pretty messy sometimes, and it's so hard to think clearly when something so horrible is happening, but you did the best you could. I think maybe it would be helpful if you have a small personal ritual whenever you feel like it, to acknowledge yourself and your babies, and make it something positive in your family's life. Light a special candle, plant some flowers or a tree, whatever you like, just put your energy into it.