Which way is up?

[Mother Goose]

DH and I have been TTC (quietly!) for the past 7 months. Had given up hope. I was due to O on Christmas Day and my bestie joked that it would be the winning day. We laughed it off and I tried not to get my hopes up.

So, around the 3rd Jan I began to spot. I figured it was the start of AF. I was a little stressed and so figured she had come early. No more spotting until 6th Jan which was constant until 12th when I had a more regular flow but I still considered it "light"for me. On the 15th, I had a shocking sleep and woke several times with extreme nausea, fever, sweating, and cramps. I went to the toilet and had a rush of blood. Also my first clot passed. I persevered with work on the Monday (16th) but went to my Dr who hypothosized an early spontaneous abortion. I had bloods which came back the following day as low readings. I was no longer pregnant - or it was a chemical pregnancy. My GP said he believed it was an early spontaneous abortion (very clinical!) and that if I was still bleeding come Monday (23rd) I had to go back.

Throughout the week, the cramping and bleeding has been constant with some days very very heavy. I passed clots until Wed. Thurs the flow slowed right down and by Friday (20th) I was back to spotting. Until today. Today the flow has picked up again (but still probably a medium flow for me) and I am again passing (small) clots. I've had cramping again last night and today.

I plan to make another appointment with my GP tomorrow. I'm starting to worry at the length of time I've been bleeding. Is this normal? I've not had a D&C. I haven't even had an ultrasound. I have no pregnancy symptoms left.

I have worked throughout the week - felt ok to do so but have left early every day. I normally train most days of the week but haven't this week until today. I had a light session and afterwards had abdominal cramping and that was when the bleeding recommenced. I did no abdominal work in my session.

Can anyone tell me if it is normal to bleed this long? And should I have not been training today? My GP didn't mention anything about training.

And then there's the emotional side. I'm devastated that when we finally manage to get pregnant, it's gone. So quickly. It's been a turbulent week. One minute I feel ok - rationalise that these things happen for a reason. The next minute I'm babbling like an idiot. I was totally ok on Tuesday when I was constantly being asked by friends how I was doing...and then my PT rang me to check in and I lost it. Before I trained this morning, I felt rather good...and then in the space of 40 minutes, I had every emotion under the sun - anger, sadness, disbelief, happiness, self resolve...

To top it off, DH then told me yesterday he doesn't want to try again. Friends tell me he is just protecting himself from pain... but DH's comment caused me tremendous pain! I don't think he means it...but that doesn't make it hurt less.

I don't feel like I know which way is up right now. I'm scared that I'm still bleeding. I'm scared of going through this again. I've spent the last week beating myself up. I shouldn't have had the wine I had at Christmas. I shouldn't have had salami on 3 DPO. I shouldn't have trained so hard after Christmas.

My Dad is coming to visit this week. Wants to bring his estranged wife. That's a whole other thread to make your head hurt though. I just can not deal with this and him and her. I haven't told him. I can't. I feel like I'm to blame for it happening.