its 4.30am, i cant sleep!
Today i am meant to be 11 weeks, i was so excited about my 12 week scan next week.
Things havent been smooth sailing this past 11 weeks. Some spotting here and there but never anything much - not even making it to my pad. Ive had 2 scans both showing fetal poles at 6 and 9 weeks and numerous blood tests with high Hcg levels.
I had a pinky tinge on the toilet paper when i whiped yesterday at work - it got to me. I'd had enough! the stress was killing me. I work in a hospital so its pretty easy to get myself an ultrasound. I arranged it in 10mins and was on my way. I told work i'd be back soon, in the back of my mind i thought everything was going to be fine - every other time it has been!
The screen was up in front of me and there it was.......an empty black hole!
I dont know where its gone, where is my pain? where is the bleeding? where is my baby?
Im sorry, this is just alittle fresh for me.
My year was planned, im one of 4 of my girlfriends all due in the same month - how exciting was that....its over for me now.
I just dont know how to get back from this. what to do next?