I have a dilemma, and I would appreciate some ideas.
I was wondering if anyone had reassessed their friendships following their loss or losses and found that some just took more than they gave? And if so you, what you then did?
I have a friend. I thought we were quite close, and even though it was a relatively new friendship ad she was always a bit clingy and possessive, I discounted that as she had recently experienced some tough times in her life.
After my daughter Amelia was born in Feb this year, she was one of the first people to visit me. The visit started out well enough, but as it went on, she spoke almost exclusively about herself, and how she was devastated by my loss. At first, I appreciated her sentiments as an acknowledgement the enormity of what had happened. But then things took a turn I didn't expect when she said " I ( referring to herself) have lost a daughter". She said it several times after that. I tried to just accept what she said as an acknowledgement of my loss, but I struggled. I felt like she was trying to take possession of my daughter, of my experiences, of my memories and my grief.
The next time I saw her she said the same thing, and the time after that.
I have since then put up a wall to that friend. I struggled with that decision, mostly because I have never done something like that before and because I didn't tell her why I was doing it.
About 4 weeks after my third baby Sophie died, the same friend called me ( I don't think she called me when my son Nicholas died) and didn't ask about me but rather talked about something I could have cared less about at the time. During the call I could feel what little positive energy I had fought hard to built up just draining away from me and all I could think about was wanting desperately to end the call but not knowing how.
I still feel like putting up the wall was the right decision to make, especially after the way I felt during the phone call, but this friend is part of a larger friendship group and I am likely to have to encounter her into the future. At the moment I have isolated myself a little as a part of my grieving process, but the day will come when I have to confront my "friend". I don't really want her as a "friend" anymore, because I think she just takes more from me than what she offers me.
Any tips or ideas?
I never expected that losing friendships would be part of my grieving. I suppose I didn't expect to consolidate friendships either and I have discovered some really amazing friends too, who have just been amazing.
Last edited by dory; December 5th, 2009 at 08:15 PM.
: typo second para
Secondly, i think when something majorly happens in your life it does make you reassess some of your friendships, your friend at first sounded like a great friend but her comments were not needed and friends are supposed to make you feel better and be there to listen to you not to 'out do' you which it sounds like she is trying to do, if she hasnt dealt with her issues then she shouldnt put them on you when you are going through such a tough time.
She sounds very self absorbed and i would honestly cut her out, if your not one for confrontation i say start by ignoring her calls and maybe she will get the hint or tell her you just need some space. Maybe let your other friends in on how you feel that way if you decide to have a gathering they will be on your side and not invite her.
But its amazing how much better you feel when you cut out people like that from your life and especially when you realise who your true friends are the ones who support you and are there for you.
Yes I have ended a friendship over this stuff. An x friend of mine showed up after my son's funeral (after being asked repeatedly not to come then as we wanted to be alone) and bantered on with how she hadn't been sure what to say so she'd looked it up on the internet. She the proceeded to CONFUSE the DO SAY list with the DO NOT SAY list. She told us it wasn't meant to be, our son was to precious for earth, atleast we have two more children, we're young we can have another one .... on and on until I was nearly chocking her. So I let that one go.
Months later I fell pregnant again and had a miscarriage When I told her that she said in a very rude way "you can't bring your other son back you know". Well .... yes I did know that thanx. I won't have someone like that in my life when I need friends and kindness.
Dory, you don't need people who are self-absorbed and less than sensitive in your life generally let alone after you have been through such emotional losses and really need support and positivity.
Please don't feel bad about deciding to say goodbye to that friendship, you are well within your rights to choose the people you want to surround yourself with.
In the past I have often thought about it as a relationship with a man. Would I accept this behaviour/way of relating/attitude from a boyfriend or partner? If the answer is no, a 'break up' may be on the cards. I don't take the decision lightly, just as you appear not to, and it if often fraught with self questioning. In the end, however, some people can be toxic to be around. Sometimes it is only a temporary hiatus in friendship, sometimes it is the end and there is grief with that.
With regards to how to go about it... that is an impossible question to answer. If they were a very close friend, I would sit down and talk it through as you both have to deal with the grief of breaking up the relationship. If they are not as close, it can go both ways. If they are really self absorbed, you could cause yourself a lot more grief to try to explain yourself when they are unable to self reflect and understand from your perspective (sounds like this may be your case). If this is the case, you really need to focus on your energy and not waste any more precious energy. If I was in your situation I would probably slowly and gently withdraw from the relationship. As much as I would like to say I would write something to them or discuss it, I know I would not have the energy.
Good luck and protect yourself as you feel you need to. That is completely OK in my opinion. The grief will be there but I think you will feel better for it rather than having the constant stress in your life.
I had a friend that I let go after the loss of my first daugher Dory - so I can empathise.
I had been up until then someone who was always available to help. I didn't say no. This friend had been in my life for a long time. We knew each other when I was in my late teens. We had been close friends for years.
She had turned up on my doorstep with 2 kids in tow whenI was still pregnant. She said her new husband of 2 months was abusing her. Of course I took her and her kids in. Two days later she returned to work & I was left to look after her two kids and my four. This went on for about 4 weeks until I said she needed to call her parents as I couldnt' keep doing this... She didn't like that at all - I called her Dad & then I had him here as well for a week whilst he helped her sort out AVO's etc..
Anyway I just felt really overwhelmed with all of her issues -she was hysterical when she wasn't working, crying, smoking, her kids were distraught & I was trying my best to support them. It was hellish.
About 2 days after she left I discovered my baby had died & went to hospy for a D & C... When I got home there was a message on my machine telling me I was being selfish for not picking up the phone when she needed me etc etc etc.
I realised that our relationship wasn't balanced. She is a woman who constantly gets herself in a pickle & I was always bailing her out.
I replied to that message with an email explaining why I was so selfish.
I haven't heard from her since.
She ended up back with that husband - now she is divorced from him and separated from the next partner.
Some people you do have to let go. I found that hard as I always try and make it work - always try to see the other perspective. However, the friendship drained me - it didn't sustain me at all..
That was sad & confronting. I think we grow to know how short life is when we are confronted with death - that is the gift of our Goodbye Babies. We know that life is too short to dally around with negativity and those that drag us down...
I hope you can feel okay with whatever your decision is with this friend. I do understand how hard it is...
Is it possible that this friend has a case of the stupids, and thinks she is "helping" you by showing you how similar her past is to your situation? I ask because I was afraid of dealing with my bf after losing Peanut because I knew she'd say things that I just wasn't ready to hear. In the end, I sent her a text and put down the ground rules. She accepted them without question, and she's only crossed that line when I've directed the conversation there. That being said;
I've had to let go of people in my life because they were too much of an emotional drain. Ultimately you need to ask yourself how much they have meant to you/do mean to you/is their behaviour more on the inconsiderate side of things or more on the self-obsessed side of things. If your roles were reversed, how would you want her to "break-up" with you?
If you've got a common group - you need to tell (/write/email/sms) her something, so she knows. I have a common group with someone I refuse to have anything to do with. She goes to some functions, I go to others. On the rare occasion we wind up at the same thing, I talk to people she's not near. It is a bit more difficult - but certainly easier than dealing with her friendship!
it is strange how you become closer to some people and more distant from others after things like this happen.
it seems like your friend wanted to share her experiences, but then tried to take over and make it all about her. i think it's a tough decision to make but the right one for you. you don't need people draining your energy in that way. or worrying what are they going to say to upset you next time they call or pop round.
i have made stronger friendships with people i already knew, that had similar experiences, and i have found them very good to talk to. i had another friend that i was quite close to, who had also gone through something similar. after my m/c she said i could visit her and have a chat. after sending her messages i got nothing back. this was 2 months ago, so i figure what is the point if people can't make the effort neither can i.
i found her status's on facebook very hard to deal with - like (so and so) is glad not to be pregnant over christmas... what the hell! how could she even write stuff like this! (and it was no where near christmas at the time). or every other status would be about her kids. people like that do not deserve friends like us
I have been having very similar issues with one of my friends or old friends now. After my losses she has been trying to be there for me except it feels like she is comparing my situation to an old situation of her own which has really upset me. In the end I distant myself from her to protect myself but I have been feeling awful for the failing friendship until I was sent this message. It really helped so I have copied it. I feel guilty using it but it has helped me realise that her friendship was great whilst it lasted but it was not a lifetime friendship but more for a season and now I can move on from the loss of our friendship which I ended.
Here it is
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person...
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
Thankyou so much for your prompt replies and lots of ideas.
I haven't thought too much about it since posting. I am at work for 4 days this week - first time since late June this year. Day 1 down, 3 to go. Tired, but coping.
I will mull it over and let you know what I decide to do.
All of your comments have been food for thought and I really do appreciate that you each took the time to read my post and then reply.
Reassessing friendships after loss
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