I am having similar issues, though mine loves to sit on the toilet, but has trouble knowing what to do. The only time I have had success is when I pour warm water over her bits when sitting there, so I guess she lets go of the wee's with the water to stimulate KWIM?
The books Ive read all say to use a dolly to show her what to do, even if you put water in for dolly ( or use a baby born if you have one) I ask, and encourage at set times, like as soon as she's awake, after lunch etc
The books Ive read also say your child needs to be ready, as in holding on for a while, wakes up dry sometimes, interested in the toilet and no major changes in life. Check out your local library there are sooo many books to assist.
BUT if she is getting upset with the whole thing I would leave her for a while, even a few weeks. As for the policy of being "totally toilet trained" all kinders understand if it is still in progress ( they wont admit it) they encourage regular toilet times, and even in preps ask for a change of clothes for accidents ( which still happen!)