I am coming in here to ask for some advice and insight...
My friend and I have shared a large part of our pregnancy journey together. we live close by and our two kids have grown up together. Her baby was born the other week at full term, but from the moment he was born it was panic stations. He wasnt breathing and was not responding well to resus. almost 2 weeks later in NICU they finally have some idea of what is going on (basically two areas in his brain have not formed, or are not fully formed...still not clear exactly). these parts of his brain affect his ability to breath, swallow, and also affect his vocal chords and lungs etc. Basically this is a very special baby who will need at the very least many many many months of NICU.
Sooo, I was wondering some of the usual stuff, like, how do I offer support? how do I negotiate her feelings that must (as i can only begin to imagine) be a constant roller coaster, and how do i do this while pregnant and soon to be birthing and no doubt bringing my baby home? Our last phone call was beautiful and i miss her terribly and want to be there for her and her DH and their boys (little bubba makes three ). My concern is that my pregnancy is having *some* affect on her as she kept saying that our baby was going to be fine and that i shouldnt worry...it dawned on me that she was also feeling guilty for putting me through this! oh my gosh i just want to cuddle her and tell her that i love her and just want to be there IYKWIM. is this even possible ATM or is it still too raw for her??
And then there is the more 'practical' side of support that DH and I want to offer but just dont know where to start...our plan so far is to cook meals and drop them at the back door in a cooler bag (they are at the hossy heaps and they told us back door would be awesome). but what else?? is there anything else? they have grandparents that have been fantastic in taking the older boys to give them a break, so they dont really need us for that, but maybe they could do with us babysitting them at home so the kids (our DD and their 2 DSs can play like they used to...i dunno, bringing back some 'normal' amongst the 'new normal'??).
argh! sorry for the rambling. i guess i need advice on how to navigate this as neither of us have been through anything like it before, so i guess any advice on both an emotional and practical level would be greatly appreciated at this point. I really dont want my pregnancy to stress her out, but i dont want to 'disappear' (unless she needs that....gosh i hope not...) and i want to be able to help out like you would in your 'village' IYKWIM....
thanks in advance for ANY advice. it has taken me almost 3 weeks to write this, as i was secretly praying that bubba would make a full and speedy recovery...but i guess i need to admit that i really need help with this one....
Firstly big squishy for you and your friend. It must be very difficult for you to also comprehend this while pregnant as well.
The food drop off it really good, it just makes things easier, also perhaps other than meals some food they can grab and run with and take with them to the hospital, ie home made trail bars or muesli bars, fruit, banana bread, savoury scones, because being in and out of NICU all day the hospital food can still get tiring and sometimes it is easier to just grab something from a machine.
Some play packs for the boys, if they go to the hospital on occassion, things for them to do, small books, colouring in books etc
How about some gardening, mowing lawns or weeding, can you DH help more with that one, or offer to vacuum the house, fold washing, ironing, wash cars, pick up some groceries, like a box of fresh fruit and vegies, nice bread or somthing along the "everyday tasks". Sometimes it is help with the "smaller" things can take a lot of pressure off.
Could you make a special sign for his isolette, name tag etc and get it laminated? Do you know if she has a journal to write down her thoughts and feelings, it can really help to write things down.
I will think more about it and if I have something else will come back.
Sending hope and courage to their little man xxoo
oh Beema thank you so much!! i have tears streaming down as those ideas are just amazing! so glad that you could also understand my rambling lol!
the snacks for them and the packs for the boys are FANTASTIC tips. i can only imagine how harrowing it is to have a 5 and 2 year old in there (she mentioned that she feels really guilty having them there as they appear to be the only ones with older children...). so no doubt a 'fun activity' pack would go a long way.
i'll have to check out some recipes for tasty and healthy muffins. mebbe also some scones, like cheesy ones and pumpkin ones...
and DH would LOVE to help in the garden. he mentioned how the last time he saw alice they 'hoed' the veggie patch together...i'll get him over there to de-weed...
so with the picture thingy...how big/small? i am thinking a normal photo size?? maybe pic of mum, dad and the boys...she told me how hard she finds it to leave bubs of a night....so maybe that could 'help' keep a piece of her there...
No worries at all hun I am so sorry I made you cry
A5 size would be the maximum for the label, similar to the size of the labels that the hospitals put on the cots with bubs stats on it. Photos of the family is perfect, you can do up a couple and they can rotate them around as well
Beautiful messages/words, like strength, courage, love etc are also nice to integrate and even some for of angel or something to watch over their little boy when they can't be there, DD had a little Panda
must run and pick up DD from Daycare but will be back xxoo
Cassius I've only just read this.....Beema has given you some great suggestions. From my point of view, walking this journey right now your idea about babysitting her boys at home with your DD to play would be a great idea. Right now if DP & I both want to be at the hospital we need to have someone else look after DS and to have someone come to our place is a real help. We don't have to go through the drop off / pick up routine, and if its at night they can put him to bed for us which means we don't have to rush away to get him before he gets too stroppy at night IYKWIM? Plus having other kids around is a great distraction for them.
You're such a beautiful friend for reaching out. Hugs to you xx
beema: i'm going to get DD to do some 'art' (like a name card thingy) for the baby. and then i will go through our photos and get a few laminated. i like the idea of rotation! (he is going to be there for months and months so diversity is the key!).
infinity: oohh i do like the idea of night time babysitting too! DD and her DSs have had sleepovers before together so could be done with relative ease! unfortunately they have just come down with chicken pox so will wait it out for a week then head on over...this way the kids can also play with the neighbours (atm after school they go straight to grandmas, which no doubt is nice, but not what they would normally do ITMS). ohhh this could work!
Needing Advice as a Friend Watching On...
). My concern is that my pregnancy is having *some* affect on her as she kept saying that our baby was going to be fine and that i shouldnt worry...it dawned on me that she was also feeling guilty for putting me through this! oh my gosh i just want to cuddle her and tell her that i love her and just want to be there IYKWIM. is this even possible ATM or is it still too raw for her??
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for you and your friend. It must be very difficult for you to also comprehend this while pregnant as well.
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