I never realised how much I missed out on with Brendan until I had Tristan. Even though Tristan was still prem his journey was so much different to Brendan's and I've bonded so much better with him. Brendan was very touch and go as to whether he'd make it, I was told several times to prepare for the worst, with Tristan there was never ever that doubt that he may not make it.
With Brendan, he had so many issues I was afraid to get attached to him just in case he didnt make it. Even after coming home from hospital I still couldn't bond with him properly.... I never realised it at the time, only now after having Tristan have I realised just how much Brendan's birth has affected me.
I feel sad that I feel more for Tristan than what I ever did with Brendan.
However oddly enough I don't feel so connected to DS as I did with DD. I think I felt a sense of 'looking out' for DD as she was my premmie and was so delicate, where as DS was my term baby and all fit and healthy etc, a strong boy.
But its like he is already 3 mths old compared to DD lol!
Oh Hun...Please don't be so hard on yourself. You're a wonderful person and are always doing the best you can for both of your boys especially Brendan and this truly reflects a mothers deep love for her children.
Due to emergency c/s' with DD1&2 and the fact that I can't remember the first 3 days for their lives due to being highly medicated, I never really felt that I bonded with them. DH was the one that gave them their very first baths, changed their nappies and spent quality time with them. Even today, it is strongly evident that DH & DD's still have a much stronger bond with them than I do.
I have some wonderful NICU nurses to thank for the strong bond that I have with DS. From day one, they encouraged and allowed me to have hands on involvement with his care. Nappy changes, temp checks, baths & stat probe changes would be scheduled as much as possible around my daily movements so they could be done by me or DH. They would ensure that we had regular kangaroo cuddles. Many days it would be for hours at a time, the nurses always emphasis that it was extremely important for bonding with premmies.
Be gentle with yourself honey - the journey is really challenging & we all experience it so differently...
I had 4 live term babies before Imogen. She was born after 3 early losses and 3 second trimester losses - so when she was lifted out of me onto that resus table and she was breathing. To me that was the biggest miracle I had ever experienced. It still is!
So, I didn't have bonding issues - I abdicated all control whilst she was in NICU and I must say I was afraid of touching her... (I had influenza A at her birth) Even when my swabs were clear. I was paranoid about anyone touching her. Paranoid in close to the true sense of the word.
She was very very very slow to progress - probably due to her very low for dates birth weight (815g @ 27+5 gest). I remeber the day she came home. I felt in slow motion carrying her up the front stairs & into her home. It felt like the end of a long marathon. It felt complete.
I didn't worry about her anymore after that breathing wise. She coslept or slept beside my bed until very recently. I was very careful about people touching her and handling her.
For me my bond with her is incredibly strong - but my journey was different.
What I have witnessed is that that bond will happen my love - in time it will. Don't compare yourself to others - yyour story is yours and you are doing a great job at mothering your little one.
I too feel like my little boy isn't actually mine yet. Like I go to the hospital to spend time with a baby, but he belongs to the hospital... I love him to bits though
Bonding with your Premmie
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