((hugs)) chody,
It's not easy being a NICU/SCBU mum. I didn't feel like DS3 was truly mine until we knew we were going home (even then it didn't seem real). Everything you are feeling is normal, even feeling abnormal is 'normal'.

For me when I felt like I could cope as mummy I decided to 'nurse' my baby to health. I took over as many 'cares' as I could. Told the nurses I want to be the one to feed DS3 all the feeds I was there for. Including gavage feeding, made them show me how to do it. Got them to explain what monitors were for and what were the safe zones and danger zones for each reading. Basically got them to teach me as much of their job as they could, so that I was the one caring for bub. I realize you might not be able to do all of it, but tell the nurses/midwives you are looking for ways to bond with baby and they should help you.
Another thing that helped me was the parents support group in the hospital. It's good to know you have other people there who have been through and are going through similar times.
Have you seen the social worker? They can help you talk with the doctors and come up with a flexible plan for how things could go.


Also a quick little tool I just came across today: little treasures NICU WORDS app. Designed to help you understand what's going on.

I wish the best for you and your bub. May your baby grow quickly and healthily, and be home soon.