I just grabbed a glass of water and my medications and popped into the study to cruise facebook briefly before bed.
Now I find myself a crying, sobbing mess.
A friend from church gave birth to her baby today. About 3 and a half weeks early... I know I've heard of babies being born at that stage having no prematurity issues at all, but this little girl as only 2.2kg - smaller than Sam. I have no idea of just how things are going beyond "she is doing very well" and don't really know whether that means very well for a prem, or just very well full stop.
But I'm finding it's bringing back all sorts of memories and I'm in tears for remembering our time in SCN...
And most especially remembering that our time in SCN was made longer and scarier than it should have been because of that too-short NG tube and the fact that it was over Christmas and the paeds didn't want to come in very often.
I'm also finding it difficult to cope with the fact that I'm fairly certain my friend will be able to establish breastfeeding... and that makes me feel like more of a failure because we couldn't.
Strangely enough, if I hear of babies born even more premature than Sam I don't have anywhere near this sort of reaction.
I guess it's just all a bit close to home.
Am I normal for responding in this way? I feel a bit mean and cruel and completely insensitive that I just can't get excited about the new arrival and I'm just a crying mess thinking of our own dramas.
You're not mean for responding this way to your friend's news. It sounds like this news, being so similar to what happened to you and Sam, has caused an initial emotional shock. It's not something you've got control over, so please don't feel guilty over it.
I don't know if I ever mentioned it to you, but my DS had to go to the SCN when he was born too (not prem though), and I still feel really ripped off that he had such a hard start to life after I tried so hard to give him a perfect birth. Having your baby taken away to the nursery and being left all alone is such a traumatic experience, not easily gotten over.
Anyway, I just want to say that I get where you're coming from. Don't beat yourself up for thinking about your own issues - they're real issues. You've been given very little information, perhaps when you hear more about your friend's baby or see a photo you will feel more connected with her, and it won't feel like it's your experience all over again.
I'm sure you'll be able to give your friend very useful advice, having been there yourself.
Hope you're feeling a bit better in the morning.
xxx
I can completely understand what you are saying and send you big hugs and understanding.
I have so many unresolved issues regarding my DD's early arrival and her time in NICU/SC. I think what you are feeling is normal.
I got upset when two of my closest friends told me they were both expecting within weeks of each other. I thought how lucky they will probably have a full-term pregnancy, not have the worry of almost losing their little one, not be separated from their little one, not see their little one connected to machinery and also be able to hold their baby immediately etc. I see really pregnant bellies and get envious. I saw photo's of a friends one week old and wanted to cry. Feeling of envy (she could hold him, feed him straight away - we only held DD three times in the first week etc), feelings of despair even though our little DD was okay etc, but that fear they may not be and all that comes with it... I have realized that I need counseling but keep putting it off. The social worker I spoke to regularly while DD was in hospital discussed Post Traumatic STress disorder and I suspect a lot of premmie parents have aspects of this after what we go through.
We (as in us mums and dads) that have been through the trauma and fear of the problems of early births, that horrible separation that comes with NICU and SC, the effort of establishing milk supply and attempting to breastfeed as well as the possible and real medical complications of premature births. This is all going to hit us probably for a while.
Take heart that you are not alone and what you are experiencing is totally normal.
Some more information at church this morning... Severe pre-eclampsia with astronomically high blood pressure so it was an emergency c-section delivery and mum went straight to ICU... So at this stage the concerns are more for mum than bub and it was a VERY different birth experience to mine with Sam.
It helped a little that there were some people willing to talk to me about my experiences with Sam - they don't really get it, but they could recognise that it was traumatic for me and that this birth has stirred things up a bit and that I needed to talk. Unfortunately, the one person who WILL get it (the first mother of a 36-weeker in the church, there's now three of us) wasn't there this morning and I'm not sure I'll be able to go back this evening or whether she'll have the time to talk to me as she's leading worship tonight...
*sigh*
Shazzi, Sam was nowhere near as early as your daughter - but it was still incredibly traumatic for me. Sure, there wasn't really any question about his survival (apart from one point in labour where he was going into distress through being strangled by his own umbilical cord, but the OB was on that and put the wind up me to get him out pronto), but when the child you have waited for over three years to meet and for whom you have endured 18 months of horrific IVF complications and three miscarriages is taken away merely moments after being born it is traumatic. I was only told I couldn't hold him on the night of his birth (I'd needed a wheel chair to get into the SCN and it was straight after a tube feed, so perhaps understandable) but it was still extremely traumatic...
Honeybee, I don't recall you ever telling me about your son's visit to SCN. It is incredibly traumatic... to have your son taken away and your husband asked to follow along to the nursery with him and then suddenly the midwife and OB just evaporate and ****** you're alone! Hideously traumatic.
Thank you both for the understanding - It has helped me immensely just to know that my feelings are valid and that I'm not being some sort of drama queen or anything.
Totally understandable and I know exactly what you mean. I hear of babies born at 30 and 34 weeks and I cringe, yet babies born outside of those weeks and I'm ok.
BW, completely understandable hun, and like you have said every birth and every child is different but the thing that connects us all together is that we have all experienced having a premature baby, born before their time, and with their own challenges big and small.
We are here for you hun, talk through this, hopefully by working through your emotions here can help when you want to face them in "reality"
It's all coming back...
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