It's all coming back...

[butterfly_warrior]

I had planned to be in bed right now...

I just grabbed a glass of water and my medications and popped into the study to cruise facebook briefly before bed.

Now I find myself a crying, sobbing mess.

A friend from church gave birth to her baby today. About 3 and a half weeks early... I know I've heard of babies being born at that stage having no prematurity issues at all, but this little girl as only 2.2kg - smaller than Sam. I have no idea of just how things are going beyond "she is doing very well" and don't really know whether that means very well for a prem, or just very well full stop.

But I'm finding it's bringing back all sorts of memories and I'm in tears for remembering our time in SCN...

And most especially remembering that our time in SCN was made longer and scarier than it should have been because of that too-short NG tube and the fact that it was over Christmas and the paeds didn't want to come in very often.

I'm also finding it difficult to cope with the fact that I'm fairly certain my friend will be able to establish breastfeeding... and that makes me feel like more of a failure because we couldn't.

Strangely enough, if I hear of babies born even more premature than Sam I don't have anywhere near this sort of reaction.

I guess it's just all a bit close to home.

Am I normal for responding in this way? I feel a bit mean and cruel and completely insensitive that I just can't get excited about the new arrival and I'm just a crying mess thinking of our own dramas.

BW

[Honeybee]

Sending you BW.

You're not mean for responding this way to your friend's news. It sounds like this news, being so similar to what happened to you and Sam, has caused an initial emotional shock. It's not something you've got control over, so please don't feel guilty over it.

I don't know if I ever mentioned it to you, but my DS had to go to the SCN when he was born too (not prem though), and I still feel really ripped off that he had such a hard start to life after I tried so hard to give him a perfect birth. Having your baby taken away to the nursery and being left all alone is such a traumatic experience, not easily gotten over.

Anyway, I just want to say that I get where you're coming from. Don't beat yourself up for thinking about your own issues - they're real issues. You've been given very little information, perhaps when you hear more about your friend's baby or see a photo you will feel more connected with her, and it won't feel like it's your experience all over again.

I'm sure you'll be able to give your friend very useful advice, having been there yourself.

Hope you're feeling a bit better in the morning.
xxx

[shazzi]

I can completely understand what you are saying and send you big hugs and understanding.

I have so many unresolved issues regarding my DD's early arrival and her time in NICU/SC. I think what you are feeling is normal.

I got upset when two of my closest friends told me they were both expecting within weeks of each other. I thought how lucky they will probably have a full-term pregnancy, not have the worry of almost losing their little one, not be separated from their little one, not see their little one connected to machinery and also be able to hold their baby immediately etc. I see really pregnant bellies and get envious. I saw photo's of a friends one week old and wanted to cry. Feeling of envy (she could hold him, feed him straight away - we only held DD three times in the first week etc), feelings of despair even though our little DD was okay etc, but that fear they may not be and all that comes with it... I have realized that I need counseling but keep putting it off. The social worker I spoke to regularly while DD was in hospital discussed Post Traumatic STress disorder and I suspect a lot of premmie parents have aspects of this after what we go through.

We (as in us mums and dads) that have been through the trauma and fear of the problems of early births, that horrible separation that comes with NICU and SC, the effort of establishing milk supply and attempting to breastfeed as well as the possible and real medical complications of premature births. This is all going to hit us probably for a while.

Take heart that you are not alone and what you are experiencing is totally normal.

[butterfly_warrior]

Some more information at church this morning... Severe pre-eclampsia with astronomically high blood pressure so it was an emergency c-section delivery and mum went straight to ICU... So at this stage the concerns are more for mum than bub and it was a VERY different birth experience to mine with Sam.

It helped a little that there were some people willing to talk to me about my experiences with Sam - they don't really get it, but they could recognise that it was traumatic for me and that this birth has stirred things up a bit and that I needed to talk. Unfortunately, the one person who WILL get it (the first mother of a 36-weeker in the church, there's now three of us) wasn't there this morning and I'm not sure I'll be able to go back this evening or whether she'll have the time to talk to me as she's leading worship tonight...

*sigh*

Shazzi, Sam was nowhere near as early as your daughter - but it was still incredibly traumatic for me. Sure, there wasn't really any question about his survival (apart from one point in labour where he was going into distress through being strangled by his own umbilical cord, but the OB was on that and put the wind up me to get him out pronto), but when the child you have waited for over three years to meet and for whom you have endured 18 months of horrific IVF complications and three miscarriages is taken away merely moments after being born it is traumatic. I was only told I couldn't hold him on the night of his birth (I'd needed a wheel chair to get into the SCN and it was straight after a tube feed, so perhaps understandable) but it was still extremely traumatic...

Honeybee, I don't recall you ever telling me about your son's visit to SCN. It is incredibly traumatic... to have your son taken away and your husband asked to follow along to the nursery with him and then suddenly the midwife and OB just evaporate and ****** you're alone! Hideously traumatic.

Thank you both for the understanding - It has helped me immensely just to know that my feelings are valid and that I'm not being some sort of drama queen or anything.

BW

[Early Kids]

Totally understandable and I know exactly what you mean. I hear of babies born at 30 and 34 weeks and I cringe, yet babies born outside of those weeks and I'm ok.

[*Beema*]

BW, completely understandable hun, and like you have said every birth and every child is different but the thing that connects us all together is that we have all experienced having a premature baby, born before their time, and with their own challenges big and small.

We are here for you hun, talk through this, hopefully by working through your emotions here can help when you want to face them in "reality"

[Honeybee]

I really feel for your friend BW, I hope she's OK. Have you had any word on how she's doing?

I hope you got a chance to talk to your other friend today, and I hope she could empathise with how you're feeling.

Honeybee, I don't recall you ever telling me about your son's visit to SCN. It is incredibly traumatic... to have your son taken away and your husband asked to follow along to the nursery with him and then suddenly the midwife and OB just evaporate and ****** you're alone! Hideously traumatic.

Absolutely! I planned so carefully for the birth, and just assumed that if I got a natural or near-natural vaginal birth that all would be OK afterwards. I was so unprepared for what happened. I don't really understand why they took him away without me - I could have gone with him. The midwife kept me back to have a shower, then they sent me to my room to have dinner. I just accepted all this without question. Why? I still feel like I really haven't processed what happened fully. Anyway, I should probably write a thread about it, not hijack yours

I really think that birth is such a shocking experience, and when something goes wrong it's even harder to get your head around what happened. I think your reaction is fine, I think most people would feel the same but might not admit it.

Hope you're feeling a bit better tonight.

xxx

[butterfly_warrior]

I had to stay behind - I was in no fit state to walk anywhere (and was still wobbly on my feet the next morning, no epidural or anything it was just a physical reaction to the birth) and I needed to be stitched up. I guess in my head I knew that being prem, he'd need to be checked out and could need help when he was born - but my labour was so hard and fast that I didn't really get any time to think about the reality of what that would mean.

As far as I know my friend is ok. I'm told that pre-eclampsia resolves pretty quickly after birth, so she's had the best possible care in that respect. She's also very lucky - she's had no sign of blood pressure issues through the whole pregnancy and it came on very, very suddenly - but her OB was on the ball and was clued in to the fact something was up due to bub being somewhat small for dates.

I also didn't get to church this evening, Sam slept too long and afternoon naps have been few and far between this last week so I wasn't going to wake him. I also remembered that my friend had a c-section under general anaesthetic so wouldn't have experienced the whole thing with bub being taken away... So perhaps I really am finding more support and understanding here than I would there.

I'm trying to think of reasons for a full-term bub to have needed to be checked out in SCN after birth. I saw a few come into the SCN to be observed due to the mother having gestational diabetes and needing to have blood sugar levels monitored, another who had issues keeping his body temperature up. Two beautiful little girls ended up in SCN and having a few tube feeds because they were small for dates and were barely 37 weeks. I didn't see it in my hospital but I've heard of babies needing to be monitored in SCN because mum was GBS positive... Any sign of distress during labour - like meconium being passed? Low apgars? I think that's about all I can think of.

I'm starting to feel a lot better about things now - just having a place to talk through all the issues that have come up has certainly helped. I think I'll have more issues when I see them - not sure if I can handle a hospital visit or not yet.

BW

[Honeybee]

Sorry BW, I re-read what I wrote and it was unclear - I know why they took DS to the neonatal unit (high breathing rate, prob caused by fluid on lungs which turned into an infection), I just don't understand the need to separate us, especially why I had to go back to the room by myself and have dinner when they could have cleaned me up a bit and taken me to him.

Anyway, I'll stop hijacking your thread now - sorry!

Your friend is very lucky to have had an OB who realised what was happening, I hope she's improving and has had a chance to see her baby.

I'm glad that you're feeling a bit better about things now too. I'm sure she'll understand if you don't go to the hospital, that would be pretty confronting.

xxx

[ElleJay]

All I can say is that I'm thinking bout your friend BW - I really really hope she pulls through quickly

And I really hope your ok too I know how much hearing bout something can bring back memories (but mine are usually horrible)