Does it ever go away?

[LysnDan]

Does the feeling of guilt ever go away?

I still feel that I am responsible for her still being so sick, even though the drs say she is prem and its what tiny babies do.

I know that, but its my fault she came early. If my stupid body didn't get so sick and my blood pressure stayed normal, then she could have stayed in and thrived inside my body. Worked on her practice breathing and sucking and swallowing reflexes... Instead, she's in a hospital because I got sick.

I just feel so guilty that my body failed her when it was supposed to nurture and protect her. It nearly killed us both.

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[Miss.B]

Hunni, you've got to let go of the guilt. You haven't failed your precious princess. Your body didn't fail you. It's just one of those things that happens unfortunately. When I went into labour at 21 weeks with Josh, I felt such guilt too. But I ended up seeing a psych and she made me realise and finally understand that it was not my fault in any way. Hope you feel the same was one day. Huge hugs

[Eenee]

Not sure hun as I haven't been through what you have. But in no way did you fail her, unfortunately sometimes these things happen and is out of our control. Many and I hope you get to a point where you can acknowledge all the good things you have done for her.

[teresa]

it goes away with time. you need to give yourself plenty of time.

it wasnt your fault that she came when she did! the body does strange things sometimes. i know its hard not to blame yourself. i still battle most days with "if i hadnt agreed with my ob to deliver DS that day, how much longer could i have held on". i know that if they hadnt have delivered DS that night he wouldnt be here and big chance that i wouldnt be either. its so hard not to blame yourself. are you seeing a counsellor at all?

i wish i was there standing right next to you so i could give you the biggest hug right now. i have tears just thinking of it!

please dont be so hard on yourself. it was the best thing for both you and your little girl for her to be delivered when she was.

big big big

[peanutter]

hun, it is no more your fault that Amelia is going through this, than it is her fault that you had to be operated on, and *you* were sick and in danger ...

whenever you start feeing guilty, imagine that she is feeling guilty about things happening to you, and blaming herself for endangering and hurting her mumma ... then tell yourself whatever you'd be telling her, to comfort her, and reassure her that it's really nothing to do with her ... it's just what happened ...

it sucks and it's not what either of you would ever have wanted for yourself or anyone else, and definitely not for each other - but it is what happened, and you both are going to be ok. you have each other, you are doing everything within your power now to help and heal her - and yourself - and you will both be wonderfully healthy soon ... she is doing so brilliantly already under your care and protection, you should be applauding yourself already.

[trishalishous]

Crashing in here, but this is NOT your fault!
Theres nothing anyone could have done to change things.

I cant begin to imagine what you are dealing with (though I love seeing Miss As pics and updates!) but you and your precious Miss A are proving every day how strong you are. *hugs*

[Early Kids]

Oh hun, everyone has said what you need to know.

I still carry a lot of guilt over both the boys, but DS1s arrival haunts me the most. It's why I keep urge you to talk about it now, get what help you can now, while it's fresh. Get kemh to debrief you ASAP. I really wish I had.... Because instead I suppressed them all and it's a lot harder now.

Massive hugs x

Will always be around if you ever need to talk.


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[LysnDan]

I've asked for a debrief. But its nearly 2 months since I've asked them. And still no debrief. I want to ask to read my medical records and sit with a nurse or psych and go over what happened. Do you think they will allow me to do that?

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[ElleJay]

I've asked for a debrief. But its nearly 2 months since I've asked them. And still no debrief. I want to ask to read my medical records and sit with a nurse or psych and go over what happened. Do you think they will allow me to do that?

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They're your records so they should allow it - no harm in asking though

[peanutter]

you can make an application under FOI (freedom of information - google it to find out how it works in your state) to get your hospital file, and can then organise with someone independent to go through them with you, if you can't get anyone from your hospital to do it.

[Early Kids]

You can get your file and Miss Amelia's too. Ask kemh how, I had to write a letter and put a photocopy of my birth cert and drivers licence and they posted it all out to me, no charge.

Keep pressing for a debrief, bug them everyday if you have to, remind the nurse the NUM and the drs. Don't let them push it aside, it's important you know what happened why and what it all means.

Hugs x


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[Charlotte91]

I hope you can get your debrief. Good luck,

As for the guilt, I hope it goes away. I still feel guilty. Everytime someone mentions how small DD is. Everytime someone asks "Is she eating this" I have to say no. I did feel guilty everytime I drew up her medications, but she's off all of them now! Amazing feeling!
I hate knowing that she came early because of me. Because I couldn't grow a healthy baby. That I could have ingested chemicals causing her birth defect, or that it could just be my body.

DD is perfect now, yes she requires a fairly strict diet. Yes, she's 14 months and only the size of 7-8 month old, and YES PEOPLE! Her legs DO look like matchsticks!
But, she's beautiful and perfect in our eyes.

Having a premmie isn't easy and I'd love to take it all back, but without having NICU and SCN time I wouldn't have DD who is the only reason I get out of bed in the morning.

You're in my thoughts and prayers. I pray Amelia comes home soon.

[Novella]

I hope the feelings of guilt ease for you soon.

Possibly speak with a social worker to arrange a meeting with staff to help you debrief over your dd's birth and events around her birth. They are often the best at advocating for patients and families and are great at organising meetings with othe health staff.