Thanks for the replies.. Yesterdays counselling session went really well, but it's so hard bringing everything up again.. It's been a long time since I went into such detail about the twins birth, death and first year after death.. Even when I was in NICU with DS I put the twins to the back of my mind a bit, otherwise I never would have coped...
I felt like absolute crap last night. That was to be expected though.. It was a long appointment and I really liked her, I am definitely going back. I am happy and wont let any kind of grief define me anymore.. I have lived like that for 3 and a half years, now I have DS and he deserves better than a Mother who is constantly trying to attain the unattainable. Although I would love more kids for many reasons, having another pregnancy/baby would never give me the 'perfect' experience I am chasing, so I have to get over it and accept this is how it is.. I have to work hard to not project my 'only child' issue onto him.. He might love being an only child.. I didn't though, so that's part of wanting more kids too..
I'll get there. At least I am doing something.. Thanks for listening (reading)
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I hope the counselling can offer you a bit more peace with it all. You have gone through soooo much 
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