4 yr olds self image - Plse help

[Jandals]

I'm so devastated. This evening DH was with DD while she was brushing her teeth in the bathroom and DD started spitting in the mirror. DH asked her to stop and she said to him "I'm spitting at me because I don't like me"

I have no idea where this has come from or if it's normal. It definitely doesn't seem normal to me for a little girl to say that. She has said something similar once before but it was quite some time ago and she had been crying and didn't want to watch herself in her bedroom mirror so I thought maybe she was feeling a bit embarrassed. At the time I reassured her that I love her and we talked about all of her great qualities.

We are firm believers in gentle parenting but I know the last few months I have been struggling to have as much patience as usual because I'm tired and have less time for DD with a baby to look after. I have made an effort to make time for just her and I but maybe not enough? I'm so heart-broken to think she could feel this way because I've been less available (emotionally and physically) and more grumpy.

She is a very sensitive and emotional little girl (eg. if she accidently hurts someone she gets so upset and sobs) and I have been thinking lately that I want to look into how to help her become more resilient as I've been worried sick about how she will cope at school next year.

The only thing that I can think of that may have contributed to this is the sense of competition that seems to be rife at kindy at the moment. DD is very concerned with who is the prettiest/oldest/has the longest hair etc. and believe me this has NOT come from home. I am very careful to praise being kind/thoughtful/helpful/caring as well as telling her how beautiful she is but she gets very upset if one of her friends says they are more pretty than her and it doesn't seem to matter what we say

Have any of you experienced anything like this? Any advice would be so greatly appreciated. I so want to raise my lovely girl to be confident with who she is and I'm feeling like a total failure atm

[willow5]

First of all I don't really have any good advice, I've never really had to deal with it before.
But my good friend's DD was a very skinny little girl from when she was about 2yrs old, which a lot of people felt the need to comment on, in front of and directly to her, not being nasty, just commenting about how skinny her legs were or how skinny she was all over. By the time she was 3 she had developed quite a complex and when she felt people were looking at her she would cover her legs and become quite withdrawn poor little thing was so self conscious. This went on for quite a few years. Eventually she didn't worry so much, I think it was just a really sensitive stage she went through.

The little girl is now 21 and is a very confident young woman with no hang ups about body image.

So here's hoping that it's just a stage for your DD too. Other kids can be harsh though specially the ones that come from homes where looks are a high priority

I think you are doing all the right things to help her, if it doesn't get any better soon though maybe you could speak to a counsellor and see what they think before it gets too out of hand.

Have you spoken to the teacher at kindy? Maybe one of the other little girls has been behaving that way towards her or others there? I would have thought at her age she would actually have to see that behaviour to be acting it out herself.

Good luck hope it all works out

[StrawberryMumma]

Hey Jandals

Please don't feel like a failure because you're not! Outside influences (such as kindy) are so huge and I think it's so common for kids to feel down about themselves at some point.
Our 3 year old sounds a bit similar to yours, and I too worry about her going to kindy, school etc. She can be very influenced by others.
I would keep going as you are, remain positive with her and be confident with your parenting as it sounds like you are doing the right things!

It's tough isn't it

[Lulu]

try to stay away from the 'beautiful' comments (it's kinda hard, because when we as parents say it I think WE mean it in a more rounded way - like everything about them is beautiful/wonderful/amazing) if she is stuck on it as a superficial term.

It sucks to have to deal with this so early though

[Jandals]

try to stay away from the 'beautiful' comments (it's kinda hard, because when we as parents say it I think WE mean it in a more rounded way - like everything about them is beautiful/wonderful/amazing) if she is stuck on it as a superficial term.

It sucks to have to deal with this so early though

Thanks Lulu. I'm going to have to become far more aware of what words I'm using when talking to DD. She is a very pretty little girl and she gets lots of compliments on her looks so I'm not sure how to handle that with others. I'm so painfully aware of the pressure on girls these days to be/look a certain way and it breaks my heart that my 4 year old is even aware of it.

[Lulu]

I think it can take just one comment yanno "no I'M prettier than YOU" by a peer that can rock their socks at the wrong time (tired etc) With the 'pretty' comments, (from adults) I try to take pains to say - and she looks after her dollies so well (etc) Sometimes you need to remind adults it's not just about the pretty. *sigh.

I also say things like - I love the colours you chose on that painting, I love to hear you sing, your cheeks are so soft, what a good helper you are.....anything that reflects the choices she makes or the actions my DD takes, rather than something she cannot help or change (like being a living doll ).

I was lucky with my first, she hated that kind of attention and used to screw her face up deliberately. DD2 is a different story and I worry about her too.

P.S - I wonder if I could use any more brackets???

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Have you asked her why she doesn't like herself or if she agrees when another child believes that she is prettiest? Asking her can challenge her behaviour and thoughts sometimes.

[Jandals]

Thanks for your comments ladies.

Have you spoken to the teacher at kindy? Maybe one of the other little girls has been behaving that way towards her or others there? I would have thought at her age she would actually have to see that behaviour to be acting it out herself.

I haven't spoken to her teacher yet - but I will be making a time to see her next week to discuss it with her and see if she's noticed anything. It seems like such a harsh and extreme action for a little girl to come out with so I tend to agree that she may have seen someone else do it (or something similar).

I said to DH tonight that we might need to look into seeing someone. I feel like I'm out of my depth here and I've had years of experience working with children (some of the time with 'at risk' children) but I guess I'm so emotionally involved here that I just don't know what to do. I so desperately want to do the right thing for both of my children and it's a bit frightening when I don't know what that is!