My sister used to use the reward chart quite effectivly when her ds was younger (& now with her younger2) these days though when he wants something from her or for her to do something for him, like can i go to so & so party or can you give me a lift... she just says no because yesterday (or when ever) I asked you to... or not to.... or you did.... so why should I do ... for you?
Proberbly the later is not appropriate for you 'YET' but now she only has to give any of the 3 of them 'the look' and they behave (well most of the time lol) I used the reward chart for ds for pocket money (jobs & behavour) right up until he was about 14 and it always worked for him.
I'm so sorry to hear you're having problems, I had some pretty dreadful issues with my DD around that age. I hope these suggestions are useful.
Number 1 - *MOST IMPORTANT SUGGESTION*
Create some time each day - half an hour or so before bedtime - when you spend quality time doing something together - reading, playing a (box not computer or tv) game, talking, doing craft, whatever she will enjoy doing with you. Make it the highest priority of your evening and name the time slot. This will help enormously in the amount of attention/being listened to she feels she is getting.
Then - think up a list of consequences - try to get it so they fall back on to her as immediately as possible. No dessert is a good one, another one (esp if there is acting-up over food or snacks) is to withhold lunchbox "treats". Also if she carries on in the afternoon/evening, then the consequence can be a corresponding number of minutes removed from your quality time together OR minutes she has to go to bed earlier. Ie if she carries on for 13 minutes, then her bedtime is brought 13 minutes forward. This is a wild ride for the first few days but after that, she will get it.
Another trick - if there is something they habitually shirk out of/is problematic, make them practise it over and over again on a saturday morning when they are still 'fresh' (not tired etc) and would rather be doing something else. eg "you are going to practice unpacking your school bag and putting your things away since you seem to find it difficult during the week. You will keep practicing until I see you are doing it correctly every day." hehehe
The other thing - and I *still* do this with my DD who is now 12 and even more in to the backchatting etc - is to stand her there and make her repeat what she wants to say until she is communicating calmly and respectfully. It might take 3 or 4 repeats but a) she learns how to control her temper and b) she learns how to rephrase her message in a more acceptable form and c) the repeating part helps her to identify the thing she *really* wants to say. It also asserts your right to be spoken to respectfully, even when she disagrees.
I am just stalking this thread for ideas too as I have an almost 7 yr old DD who has started back talking, and chucking tantrums like a 2 year old....I think the extra long holidays (her school finished on Dec 6th) and a Mummy in her third trimester who doesn't have as much energy as usual is not helping! My DS goes back to Creche on Monday, and I have the day off work, so we are planning a Mummy & DD Shopping & Movies day which will be great.
Thank you for your suggestions. Marydean, I particularly like your suggestion of making her repeat what she wants to say until she says it in an acceptable manner. I just need to hold down my own frustration and temper to ensure I get her to do it in a calm way instead of escalating the situation. It really is respect that she is lacking for her father and I and she has suddenly developed Big Girl 'Tude. In order for her to respect us, we need to remain calm and behave like adults!
We usually play board games or card games after dinner as a family and both the 'big' kids love it (the bub is a bit small to join in!). We have tried the consequence of DD1 not being allowed to choose the game or not being allowed to play at all. I also make sure DD and I have plenty of 'mummy/DD' time and we've been very careful to make sure the new bub has not had a negative impact on Miss 7 or her brother. She loves her new sister and the problem started long before DD2 arrived.
DD2 was very careful today and she apologised without being prompted for her behaviour yesterday ("I don't wish you were dead, mummy..."!). I don't like the back char, but I think I dislike even more my own behaviour in response, the yelling and frustration. I'm the adult, right?
I will try all of your suggestions, thank you, and hopefully we will reach a point where DD1 will recognise the consequences of her actions and think before she speaks. I WILL be a calm and thoughtful (and consistent) parent. I hope we can get there without tears and yelling!!
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