Argh! Help! What is wrong with her???

[Antheia]

The thing i hate the most is her not listening. Most of the day she will not listen to me. I ask her to pick up her toys, or stop hurting her brother or stop hurting the cat or stoping messying this or that. She will just stick her tounge out at me, hit me, ignore me, or copy what i say(GOD that irritates me!) The craziness is just at night, but the rudness and back chatting and ignoring is all day long. You'd swear she was a damn teenager!! God help me when she is!

She doesnt eat sweets, we cut them out a while ago. Doesnt have dessert of any kind. She hasnt had a nap since she about 18 months i think, she is almost 4 now, so idont think she is overtired.

I just wanna scream from the roof tops. GRR GRR GRR! How can it be so hard? I did not raise her like this, i am not a bad mum. So why do i have such a naughty child?

[~Trish~]

You really could be writing my own story! It must be an age thing, my DS1 is nearly 4 too. He has always been a really good, easy-going boy, but over the last few months he has become naughty, short tempered and rude to DH and I. Like you, we haven't raised him that way! I have been feeling so upset about it, wondering where I have gone wrong.

This is what I'm currently doing with my DS, don't think I'm suggesting you do it, i just wanted to share! When DS speaks rudely to me I pull him up on it straight away and make him apologise. If he has demanded something rudely (for example "Get me a drink!") I will tell him that I won't help him while he speaks that way and I make him ask me nicely. I started up a points chart - when he says or does something good (eg. helps me clean up or asks politely for something without prompting) he gets a point. When he gets 5 points he gets a special treat. I have a container full of balloons, stickers, glitter pens, etc. I refuse to reward him with anything sweet anymore! If DS has been naughty or rude, he loses a point. This has really made a big difference in his behaviour. I think the rewards chart has made me focus more on his positives instead of always telling him off. We still have our days though! But I think those days are when I don't implement the chart as much.

If you find a magic solution, please let me know!

[Antheia]

I like the sound of your reward system. DD loves things like stickers balloons etc. So that might be a great way to get over this hurdle.

Hopfully it is just an age thing. I mean they warn you about the terrible 2's(which is what i am currently going through with DS, so double trouble for me right now!), but they never tell you it gets worse at 3 cause they know which buttons to push and at 4 when they know how to interacte more and know exactly what gets you mad etc. I am so so glad DS can't talk yet!

[~Trish~]

I know exactly what you mean! We sailed through the 2's, why does no one warn you it gets worse?! I'm glad to know it's not just me!

Good luck with the rewards system. I went to the Reject Shop and bought a whole heap of stuff there, it is so cheap! DS absolutely loves things like balloons and stickers too. He has just learned to blow up a balloon so he is super-excited about them LOL!

[MantaRay]

Hun, is it every night? I know that can be a bad time for DS1 too, being tired certainly brings out his worst behaviour. But I know that some foods can make him worse too. He's very susceptible to sugar, and I think some preservatives also cause us grief.

So a couple of suggestions: If this is only happening some nights, or is worse some nights, it might be worth keeping a food diary to see if there is a pattern between certain foods and this behaviour. And it also might be worth a try to see if you can do dinner earlier and then make bed time earlier. Does she still have a day sleep? Or a rest? If not, maybe try some quite time in the afternoon. Or maybe change your routine so the bath is at a different point - either before eating or after - and see if that helps.

Best of luck hun. It is not easy behaviour to deal with.

[Antheia]

Yeah its not every night, just some nights. About half hour after i posted, she went to bed without trouble! Typical.

I'll try keep a food diary and see what is happening there.

No she doesnt have a nap or a rest, i do try to give one but she just goes psycho if i try. I turn the telly off in the arvo but she doesnt quiet down at all. Doesn't help that DS also doesnt like having a nap so they round each other up.

She said she doesnt like her curtains anymore, even though she begged me for them lol. So we need to change them too cause 'she doesnt like sleeping with the mermaids anymore'

[Patooties]

Hi there,
It might be worth having a look at Sue Dengate's website - if you google 'fed up with food additives' you should be able to find it. My DD2 often presents me with challenging behaviours to deal with, and i can usually blame it on the food she has eaten. Even foods which we think are healthy and nutritious, like fruit and vegies, can affect behaviour. Her behaviour may not be related to this, but it's interesting reading anyway. Worth a try if it helps in any way . Good luck

[Kaydee]

It sounds to me like she is in desperate need of attention. Maybe she is feeling left out? Perhaps some one-on-one time with her during the day will help. Maybe spend an hour painting, drawing, cut and pasting or take her to the park.
Kids usually act up when they want attention - any kind of attention is better than none. When i was little I was such a terror, my mother told me i used to tell her i liked to make her mad. I remember acting up as a child and i clearly remember it was because I felt like I wasnt getting enough positive attention.
The reward system is great, but threatening to "take her to hospital" isn't such a great idea. I'm no psychologist but it's not a great thing to encourage a fear of hospitals/dentists/doctors etc...
Smacking only encourages violence and make sure you don't yell at her or call her a "naughty girl". Encourage positive behaviour.
I have always found self-education to be the best solution, so perhaps go and have a look at your local book store for some decent literature on child behaviour.

Very best of luck. I know how frustrating it can be, but take some time to try to understand her and why she is behaving the way she is.

[Trillian]

I honestly think it is more boredom than anything else (just to confuse you even more LOL). What sort of structure does she have to her day? Does she attend pre-school or daycare at all? If she does what is she like when she is there? does she show the same behaviours or is she happy? Some kids just need things to do and have trouble 'amusing' themselves, so they need to be given direction. When you're at home, do you do any structured play with them? Like craft or play dough etc. If you don't, you could try setting up a timetable, like from 9am to 10 it's playdough, then have a break for morning tea, and then something else till lunchtime, then after lunch it's quiet time (not necessarily sleep time, but just reading or another quiet activity) and then something else etc.


Another thing too, does she eat a lot of fruit? My nephew was bordering on uncontrollable a few months ago and all he ate was fruit for snacks because his Mum never gave him anything else because fruit is good right? Wrong in this instance. The IL"s look after him a fair bit and while he was with them they never gave him any fruit and his behaviour changed literally overnight. Fruit is naturally high in sugar - certainly not the same sugar as in processed foods, but it is still sugar and some kids do react like that to too much of it.

But most of all, it's really important that you 'choose your battles' with her. I have learnt with my own DD (who had different issues to your DD - mine is stubborn as a mule LOL) that I just have to choose what's more important to 'fight' over. Unless she is annoying the other people in the house, hurting them etc or hurting the cat, then just leave her - don't ignore her as such, but just don't get into a fight with her over it. What you could do is when she starts to do what she's doing, go and pull out some 'special' colouring in books and pencils etc - ones that are only kept for special kwim? She might see what you're doing and stop or you could tell her that you and Charlie are going to colour in and she can only join in if she stops what she's doing.

[Antheia]

It sounds to me like she is in desperate need of attention. Maybe she is feeling left out? Perhaps some one-on-one time with her during the day will help. Maybe spend an hour painting, drawing, cut and pasting or take her to the park.
Kids usually act up when they want attention - any kind of attention is better than none. When i was little I was such a terror, my mother told me i used to tell her i liked to make her mad. I remember acting up as a child and i clearly remember it was because I felt like I wasnt getting enough positive attention.
The reward system is great, but threatening to "take her to hospital" isn't such a great idea. I'm no psychologist but it's not a great thing to encourage a fear of hospitals/dentists/doctors etc...
Smacking only encourages violence and make sure you don't yell at her or call her a "naughty girl". Encourage positive behaviour.
I have always found self-education to be the best solution, so perhaps go and have a look at your local book store for some decent literature on child behaviour.

Very best of luck. I know how frustrating it can be, but take some time to try to understand her and why she is behaving the way she is.

Sorry, but i didn't come in here to be reviewed at how i parent. I don't appreciate at being told what not to do. Especially when told i am encouraging violance in my children. Thanks!

Trillian, yes she actually does eat a lot of fruit. She doesn't eat much else during the day. I even have to put banana on her sandwish. She has always been a fussy eater and if it's not fruit she just will not eat it. So i'm not sure what to do there, i would rather her be eating.

She doesn't go to preschool anymore(just got way too expensive) but most of the day is spent reading books(she loves this), playing with toys, drawing and a bit of fun outside. We had to stop painting and playdoh because DS would just eat it and i didn't think it was fair that DD could and he couldn't play with it. Maybe after christmas we could try it again. But like i said, she is craziest at night after dinner. DS is already in bed. It's like the sun goes dwona nd she turns into a beast lol.

Today they both have colds, so i reckon she won't be putting up much of a fight tonight. Poor thing just wants cuddles.