Feeling blah, but should I admit it?

[Bathsheba]

I have been a mum for nearly 15 years and I still don't know how to handle this properly. I think essentially you have to deal with each scenario differently as it arises. With your pregnant friend you will have to gauge how receptive she is to a bit of reality... she might just not be interested. I have learned that you can't make people interested sometimes. Maybe in times past people would sit around the fire and share their stories and realise that the challenges were similar and therefore be more supportive... but I think that these days people want to be allowed to dream more. We get very protective of our dreams and hopes for the future. We are told that we have so much more control these days (than in times past) and so therefore we are more determined that this new control will mean that no one can tell us that something might not happen... "by God we'll make it happen". I don't know if I'm explaining it very well. Of course not all people are like that. There are still realists and people who are open-minded and actually curious about the lives of others... but most of us are very self absorbed and more focused on we want rather than hearing of other people's troubles. Some people can get quite resentful if you bring the mood down... they call it "negativity". sorry for the ramble. It's a very thought provoking issue. I don't have a definitive answer other than to assess your friend's receptivity. Try to avoid being too annoyed if she wants to live the dream... that's fair enough. Maybe, if she is not receptive, wait for another chance to debrief... BB is always for good it I'll always listen LOL

[briggsy's girl]

it really depends on who you are talking to as to how to best approach it. i'm open in saying that my DD has some fantastic days - and she has days where i wonder what the hell i signed on for! i don't put it quite so bluntly with most people, but i don't say everything is a bed of roses when it's not. i don't try to pain a picture that being a mum is perfect - it's not - but i do let people know that i appreciate even the bad days because it means i AM a mum.

as to the colleague with a baby the same age - if they say their life is perfect and they don't have bad days - i think you'll find they're lying!

be open - no point bottling stuff up - but don't be negative kwim?

[Bathsheba]

Yep... if every day is "bliss" then they are lying

I think if you are having a rough time of it and really need to let it out it might help to phrase it like "geeze I'm having a struggle with such-and-such this week... I know it'll pass but it's hard when your in it". Or "I'm not saying this will happen for you when you have your baby but...." KWIM? If you can reinforce that your intent is not to bring her down with warnings of doom then she might be a bit more supportive.

[NaeNae]

I am not a parent yet, but as a pregnant woman expecting my technically first bring home baby, I am always so greatful to hear both the good and the bad side of parenting. I feel it keeps me grounded and in a way a little prepared that yes there are going to be some really bad days ahead but also some really wonderful and rewarding ones.

I don't think you need to go into specific details unless your friend asks but I also agree with the others that openess and honesty is the way to go.

FWIW - my ideas/ideals have changed dramatically over my 2 years of being in here, it was literally the reality check I needed before I really started to venture on the motherhood journey.

Sorry I cannot help from a parenting perspective just wanted to add one from the pregnancy perspective

Nae x x x

[fionas]

I agree wholeheartedly with Bath and the others about gauging someone's receptivity and putting things in perspective.

I had my first baby at 38 and TBH, I was sick to death of reading/hearing horror stories. I honestly thought that babies cried all day and I wouldn't get ANY sleep. I certainly didn't have a rosy view of motherhood and expected life with a newborn to be hell.

It wasn't but I think I went too far the other way and gave the impression to everyone that life was fantastic. Which it wasn't either - it was just much, much better than the very low expectations I had.

I didn't talk about the things I found hard because I thought I was doing brilliantly. I struggled on whilst being in a lot of physical pain and without much help - no family and partner who was a shiftworker.

Of course, I fell in a bit of a heap later and all my friends could not believe it when I started ranting and raving about how crap I felt because they thought my life was rosy (because I hadn't told them any different).

It would have been much better for my sanity and my relationship(s) if I had just honestly explained my feelings more from the start. But the starting point is understanding those feelings myself. I don't think I allowed myself to feel certain things which meant that I couldn't explain them.

So what I'm trying to get at is a bit of balance is good. If there's a next time for me, I'll definitely try to smell the roses a lot like last time but not to the exclusion of seeing the warts, if that makes sense.