feeling down and need to get it out..

[lestyrox]

At the moment i'm feeling very overwhelmed and alone I feel like a single mum at the moment because it just seems like my DH is always away. He's the manager of a travel business and it takes up a lot of his time. I understand that being the manager he has to put in more hours or pick up the slack but i just feel like he puts in more time than he needs too and that means less time with his family.
I knew Dh was a workaholic when i married him but i thought he'd spend more time at home once the boys came along. He has improved a lot since i met him, he used to stay at work until 9pm at night when knock off time was 5:30pm. These days he's usually home by 6-6:30pm. His work is commission based so i understand that he has to put in that bit extra so we can live the way we do but sometimes i don't think its worth it. I tell him all the time that i'd rather live in a tent if it meant we'd spend more time as a family.
He has to go to Sydney once a month for 2 days for meetings and at the moment he's also going away twice a month to help out in another shop 4 hours away. He's been away in Singapore this weekend for work(he's waiting around in Syd now for his flight home) and he just rang me and told me that he's going to have to go into work as soon as he gets back because one of the girls just called in sick. I just burst into tears because its always the same story. I feel like he spends more time at work than he does at home and when he says he'll be home or have a weekend off i just take it with a grain of salt because half the time he ends up back at work.
I feel really resentful because i feel as though he doesn't have to spend that much time at work but he choses to.. he never takes sick days even if he's sick, when we have holidays (not very often!) all the good dates have been taken because he hasn't bothered to put in for time off even though he's the boss, he's meant to take an RDO once a month but he never does unless i nag him.

His goal is to become an area leader (take over his boss' role) in the future which means he'll be away even more. I try to be supportive for his sake but really i dread him getting the position.
On top of that he also plays footy which i know is really important for him to do something other than work but that takes up even more of his time, he has training twice a week so he doesn't get home untill 9pm and when footy season starts up he's gone every saturady for 3 months so i pretty much only see him on Sunday- and if we go to church then thats half the day gone

On top of all that the boys are both absolutley ferrel at the moment. DS1 is tantruming pretty much all day and fighting his night and day sleeps and DS2 has been feeding every 1-2 hours round the clock for 2 weeks straight and is so hard to settle. I'm just so tired and i need DH's support but i'm not getting it. When he is home he's great with the kids and i feel terrible every time we have a fight because he's really sensitive and takes everything to heart. I've tryed talking to him about it and telling how i feel numerous times but we always end up in a fight because he thinks i'm attacking him. So when i tell him that i need him home because i need his help and i feel like he spends too much time at work all he hears is that he's a bad father.

I'm sorry for such a long post i just needed to get it all out because i feel like i have no one i can talk to about it

[alittlegrubi]

I am not going to say much at the moment, other than to tell you that you are not alone.
I read a book once that said Men will never get it because they have a different role.
All I can suggest is that you try to get hold of the book the 5 Languages of Love and see if you can get any benefit out of that.
The other thing is that mothers will always have more to sacrifice than fathers in the early days.
I know it is hard and what has worked for me may not work for you.
With DS1 he is probably just feeling frustrated that he can not communicate his needs or feels he isnt being heard because of the time you need with DS2. Try to calmly "ignore" his tantrums by saying Mummy can't hear you when you are whinging, yelling etc and put a book in front of your face whilst saying it. With DS2 - does he really need the feed or is he after comfort? Try expressing and seeing if he will take a bottle - if he takes the bottle it's hunger if not it is comfort and for your own sanity - you may need to find an alternative comfort for him. For this I recommend you get someone that can help you. Do you have a friend or family member that can help to change the comfort association for DS2 whilst you attend to DS1. Since DH is not available maybe call on his family - swallow pride and take help wherever you can get it.

With DH maybe instead of focusing on the negative, tell him the things you have written here, tell him he is a wonderful father and how you appreciate what he does when he is there and that you appreciate his working hard for the family and that you understand he needs time out with footy... then explain that you too need time out and whilst you understand that he is very supportive and you know he really can not give you the time you need ask if he has any suggestions of who could offer the support you require that he can not give.

Best of luck and remember you are not the only one that feels this way.

[Diamond Girl]

Im sorry your feeling so alone atm. I have to tell you that I have been feeling the same way. My boys are practically the same ages as yours and i have a workaholic husband.

My DH leaves at 7am in the morning and gets home about 6-6:30pm. He has dinner and gets on his computer and works for another 2-4 hrs, taking time out to bath the boys and put the older to bed. He is on call on weekends, and even when he takes holidays he still gets dozens of calls and emails that 'cannot wait' until he gets back to work. I do everything around the house and I feel overwhelmed as well. I am lucky if I get 1/2 to myself each day. (Im typing this as I b/f).

My DH doesnt think I need a break because im at home all day, so why would I need a break?

My mum is a teacher, so she can only help in school holidays, but it is a real help. (She was coming over once a week).

I dont have anything I can suggest because I feel the same way, but I just wanted to let you know that I know what youre going through and that it isnt easy sometimes.

[Bronzdbebe]

Hi There Lestyrox,
Oh Hun, First off nothing we say is going to make your situation at home change but knowing you are not alone and talking to others in similar situations might help you feel a bit better.

Does the area managers job entail more travelling or does he then employee people to do that? For the weekend trips to Sydney is there any chance you can tag along? at least then you would have time at night and it would be an "adventure" for the boys?

Do you think that DS1 is playing on your vulnerability while DH is away? are his tanties as bad while DH is home? I agree ignore the tantrums, He might also be missing his Dad so maybe you could start an activity book or something "For Daddy" DS1 could do drawings and stick in photo's and have something to show DH on his return and for the overnight trips DH could record some stories and DS1 could listen to them at bedtime? Just so that the "away time" is broken up a little, for the little ones a couple of days can seem like a lifetime...come to think of it for mummies too!!

How old is DS2? Is he only BF or on solids too? I agree with alittlegrubi, try expressing if a no go then it might just be comfort, maybe a little seperation anxiety, he might be frightened you will go too? Like I said before it's so hard for the little ones and your boys are not really at an age where they fully understand what is happening and how long time really is.?

I know that you said DH is sensitive and feels attacked So maybe you could talk to him about things that would make your job easier that he can do while he's away, like maybe calling the boys before bed, hiding little notes for you saying that he is proud of you and that he loves you, (I know you might think you will sound like an idiot asking him to do it but finding those notes makes it worthwhile!!)recording the stories on tape or video for the boys to watch. Have you got webcam? maybe you could "talk" to him while he's gone.

As you for you guys maybe setting aside Sunday for family day weather it be church in the morning and then a picnic or some other activity to do as a family and the sunday night could be "date night" just about you and DH,once the boys are in bed, watch a movie,have a bath, do whatever you guys do that is enjoyable for the just the two of you. You might not have qauntity time so make it qaulity!!

Have you thought about maybe joining a mothers group to get you out of the house and around other Mum's with littlies around the same age? Or is there something run by your church you could go to with the kids? Or do you have family or friends living close by? DS1 could have playdate/sleepover? just to give you a break?

I'm in a similar situation, My DH is in the Army and I'm on my own alot too. I feel like a single Mum on a regular basis too. last year DH was home every night for a total of 3 months. "if the army wanted them to have wives they would have issued them"!! Come Nov this year my DH is away for 9 months to Afghanistan. All of the things I have mentioned to you we do here at home, I know that it doesn't stop the lonliness but it does take up a little bit of time on the days he is not around.

Take each day at a time and remember that your not superwoman, there's only so much any of us can do at one time by ourselves, everything you wrote about the tears and feelings of nagging is all completely normal, We all do it, I would love to see DH's in our shoes they might be great with them while they are home but 24/7 another story...I'm sure of it!!

If it makes you feel any better my DH tore every ligament in his foot the year before last and I was stoked because it ment he needed an operation and was layed up for 6 weeks, but at least he was home!!! LOL!! Awful i know!

BIG HUGs to you, and good luck with the boys.

[Boo Boo]

Lestyrox,

I am with you hun, my DH works 6 weeks overseas and then back for 2 weeks - some day's I go nuts....like today, but that is another post...it is hard isn't it? I love Bronzdbebe's ideas and might put some into practice here too. Some of the things I do to make life easier are: I have DD in childcare two days a week, I also have someone come here for three hours in the morning twice a week to give me another pair of hands and I also go out with DD for an hour and a bit so we have some one on one time that she is missing out on since DS arrived and I have joined a playgroup for the social side of things. These might not help you but just putting them out there. It is hard and I find night times the hardest, the whole dinner, bath, bed juggling act and then the loneliness as well. I find weekends are the hardest as everyone else is doing family things.....my parents are in NZ and DH's are in England...anyway hun, I know how you feel, big hugs to you. It is good to talk about these things as it seems like alot of people are in the same boat.
Laurin x

[lestyrox]

Thanks so much for the kind words and replies everyone, i think the lack of sleep was getting me down and things always seem so much worse when your sleep deprived..
From reading the posts i realise that some of you ladies have it so much worse than i do,

I'm in a similar situation, My DH is in the Army and I'm on my own alot too. I feel like a single Mum on a regular basis too. last year DH was home every night for a total of 3 months. "if the army wanted them to have wives they would have issued them"!! Come Nov this year my DH is away for 9 months to Afghanistan.

my gosh Bronzdbebe how do you cope? I find it hard when DH is away for a weekend, i can't imagine how tough it must be for you having your DH away for that long. You truly are a strong woman. Thank you for sharing your expereince and advice with me. Yes the new job would mean more travelling but i guess at least i know what its involved so i'll be a bit more prepared when he does get it.. It probably wont be for a year or so and i know how much it would mean to him to get the job, i guess sometimes in life we just have to bite our lips and bare it for the people we love.
Unfortunately i can't go with DH when he goes away on business, work pays for all his accommodation and flights but they wouldn't pay for mw and the boys and we couldn't afford to pay for it ourselves plus my boys turn into critters when we go away and they're out of routine...definitely not pretty lol.
I think you're right about DS1 acting up when DH goes away, he really puts it on for me. He's so much better behaved when DH is home, i find myslef haveing to really yell at DS1 sometimes to get him to listen to me, its horrible and i hate talking to him that way
I definitely think we need to set aside some quality time each week for just DH and me, i've talked to him about that and he's agreed to start taking his RDO's so thats a step in the right direction. He's away again tonight but i feel better knowing that he's going to try and make an effort.

If it makes you feel any better my DH tore every ligament in his foot the year before last and I was stoked because it ment he needed an operation and was layed up for 6 weeks, but at least he was home!!! LOL!! Awful i know!

Don't worry i know how you feel..whenever DH says he's feeling a bit sick i can't help hoping he'll get worse and have to take the day off...oh i'm soooo evil i know but it would be nice to have him home even if he is all sick and yucky lol.

Boo Boo thanks for your input, i've been considering putting DS1 into day care so that i can get a bit more time to myslef and more one on one time with DS2. I think he'll be ready at around 3 (6months time) so i'm looking forward to that.

I am with you hun, my DH works 6 weeks overseas and then back for 2 weeks - some day's I go nuts

Again, i don't know how you survive! i stress so much when DH goes overseas for a few days, i think i'd go nuts if he was overseas that long!

It is hard and I find night times the hardest, the whole dinner, bath, bed juggling act and then the loneliness as well. I find weekends are the hardest as everyone else is doing family things

This is exactly how i feel as well, night times are so lonely without DH not to mention crazy and stressful because both boys are tired and need me at the same time and its when a spare set of hands would really come in handy.

Thanks for sharing Diamond Girl..

My DH leaves at 7am in the morning and gets home about 6-6:30pm. He has dinner and gets on his computer and works for another 2-4 hrs, taking time out to bath the boys and put the older to bed. He is on call on weekends, and even when he takes holidays he still gets dozens of calls and emails that 'cannot wait' until he gets back to work. I do everything around the house and I feel overwhelmed as well. I am lucky if I get 1/2 to myself each day.

That must be so hard for you having your DH on call on weekends. I know what you mean about the 'Cannot wait' calls . Sometimes i wish DH would just turn his mobile off and forget about work.

alittlegrubi- thanks for the tip about the book, i'll see if i can get my hands on it.

Try to calmly "ignore" his tantrums by saying Mummy can't hear you when you are whinging, yelling etc and put a book in front of your face whilst saying it.

I've started doing this with DS1 and it seems to work. When he hit and kicks when i'm sitting beside him i'll move and say something like 'mummy doesn't want to sit next to you if you kick/hit etc'.


As for DS2 he seems to be slowly getting back to normal, last night he slept for 4hours straight so that was great. I think it must a have been a loooong growth spurt..my poor boobs have had a working out though! Its so hard when they can't tell whats wrong or what they want..i'm hoping for another good night tonight

Thanks again everyone for your help. I'ts nice to know i have support and there's plenty of other mums out there going through same thing (well not nice that they're stressed but YKWIM)

[amberj]

lestyrox, just wanted to give you big hugs and say that if you are lonely at night once the boys have gone to bed and your dh is still working, you should pop into the bellybelly chat room- saved me from lonliness many, many times!

[Bronzdbebe]

Hi Hun just thought I'd drop in and see how you were doing? Any better these days? Hope those boys are behaving for you and the away trips have been few and far between. x

[lestyrox]

Hi Bronzdbebe- thanks for caring, thats very sweet of you
Things are ok, the boys have been giving me a hard time lately (just look at my 100 other posts haha) Tobie, my 5month old is such an adorable little thing but a terrible sleeper and 5months of broken sleep is starting to take its toll. But we're surviving. Last night was good, he woke 2-3 times which i can cope with. The night before last he woke every 2hours and by morning i was in tears so the day started badly DH came home and surprised me with a coffee and roses...Gosh i love that man, even if he does drive me mad

Since i last posted here DH has given up footy to spend more time with me and the boys which has made a huge difference because now i get him home most saturdays as well as sunday. He's off to Sydney on Thursday for a few days for work so i'll be a bit sad but i know he has to go.
We're moving in 2 weeks! eeeeeeep! We're moving 4hours north for DH's work so it'll be daunting having to make friends again and settle into a new town. DH is taking 2 weeks of though so i don't mind moving so much as long as i get hime home!

I know Dh is really trying to make an effort to spend more time at home so things are better there