I think I made the wrong choice............

[Freya]

to become a mother.

I was fine in the beginning. One kid was lovely. Then a newborn and a 15mth old, easy as pie. Even a newborn and TWO toddlers was pretty easy.

A preschooler and two toddler.....................

I hate being a mother some days now, esp since Ive seen the "otherside" of not spending my days being a SAHM when Im off at Uni kidfree. I hate feeling this way because I love my boys to bits. I just feel like all I do these days is yell, or time out, or clean, or tell them Im leaving home because Ive had enough. Dh just doesnt get it because he doesnt spend nearly ever waking moment with them, because all he does is go to work then come home and whinge at me that the house is a mess, oh god not THAT again for dinner, the kids are whinging can you stop them, they touched my xbox today werent you watching them, you shouldnt eat so much 2 servings of dinner is ridiculous no wonder your complaining of getting fat, you never have sex with me anymore your always "so tired" stop being selfish you should be grateful I still find you attractive even after 3 kids................

I go to bed at night and have dreams of NOT being who I am right now, I am young and kid free and husband free. I can travel and go to the toilet alone, drink til I cant stand up straight, buy whatever I want for me, eat whatever I want without getting fat, not always having to be the responsible one.

Then there is the flipside. I wish I had had bigger gaps between the kids if I knew it would be this hard now, that Dh would be more useless than I expected when it comes to the kids, that I would lose myself completely. That I would not get time to enjoy their babyhoods and wake up on the verge of my youngest turning 1 to feel completely gipped that I didnt and never will get that enjoyment and wonderment of watching them evolve one on one ever again. Not that I ever had it in the first place, except maybe with Ds1 for a short amount of time.

I dont have any friends I see regularly so Im very lonely. Dh isnt much fun and all we do is fight right now (which is ridiculous seeing as we only just reconciled after being separated for nearly 9mths). I have no supportive family around, my inlaws are in Perth and try their best to come over whenever they can which is usually once a year otherwise Im on my own. I just started Uni full time which was the stupidest idea Ive ever had but I feel like such a sellout because I enjoy.every.second.Im.there because I am family free. How awful is that?

I dont know what I think I will achieve or what exactly I want to come from this thread; I think its just more a place to get it all down without my head exploding.

If youve read this, thankyou. Its just nice to know that someone might be listening.

[Mum2Romone]

I think there are times when we all feel like that.
Take right now, my son is 16mths old, screaming that he wants to cook real food in the kitchen. its 9am and I am sooo tired I can hardly move . He hasnt been sleeping properly and is very demanding lately. He is still breastfed and there are times I feel like just running away....
of course that is another story because when I do leave him to be babysat by his nanna i cant wait to pick him up.

I have started trying to talk to hubby about number 2 but honestly I think i must be crazy right now. I dont get a shower without my son watching me lol or have to plan it for when he is sleeping. I havent dyed my hair in a year i am grey and im only 25
I got so fed up with not being able to have time alone I cut all my hair off yesterday ( no not britney spears crazy) but I wanted a hairdut and couldnt get away ..... or make an appt that suited me. I think i understand and I only have 1 son
I cant imagine 2 toddler and another. 1 toddler is enough lol
Where abouts are you from? PM me. Im from SW Sydney too.

[Khaleesi]

Don't have time to reply right now, but i couldn't not post

[fionas]

I think your last line said it all about feeling listened to. It sounds like you've had an awful lot on your plate for an awfully long time with little support.

No wonder you feel the way you do. Being a parent without support from family/partners is very difficult.

I don't have any advice for you, just that enjoying being child-free is completely understandable and normal.

I recently put my daughter into childcare for two days a week for similar reasons and it's the best thing I've ever done.

I'd really recommend that you see a counsellor. A couple of years ago I was feeling overwhelmed because there were just too many things going on in my life and because I usually put a very brave face on things, my friends aren't really that supportive. Anyhow, what I really needed was someone who could validate what I was saying by telling me, "YES, you are in a difficult situation, YES, life has been pretty crap lately and YES, it's understandable that you feel the way you do."

[Elocin]

I don't have any words of advice for you, but just wanted to give some

[misty]

I have definitely felt like that at times. Just wanted you to know you are not alone.

[mbear]

Hey hon....i feel like you do some days too. Whilst my DH is a little more supportive, i cannot imagine how hard it is for you...
Im right near you - my daughter goes to St christophers at Holsworthy. If you wanna go to a park, or michels on a uni day off - let me know....your not alone.....

[Mum2SweetCs]

Huge sometimes i feel overwhelmed as well esp with a useless husband and i only have 1 child so cannot imagine your situation.

Maybe force your husband to take the kids out on the weekend so you can have some time alone (even having a nice relaxing bath, without kids screaming and banging on the door for once)

[Freya]

Thankyou for the offer MBear, I will definately take you up on that! I didnt realise you were close by. Im planning on putting my eldest on the waitlist for St Christophers for 2012, I'd love to hear what you think about the school

Jasp - my Dh isnt a believer in counselling but aside from that finding the time would be a nightmare. If we go on weekends we have to find someone to watch the kids, but weekdays he works 7-5 and Im at Uni 3 days a week........then again finding someone to babysit on a weekday would be even harder. Im going to bring it up with him tonight but I know he'll just say there isnt anything wrong with his behaviour, he does plenty and I just expect to much and he refuses to have a counsellor tell him how everything is his fault when its not blah blah blah.

[skeetaboat]

I could have written a lot of your post. You're not alone :hugs:

It sounds like your DH is being a giant ass. I'm sure he's not 100% ass as you wouldn't have married him or got back together with him, but it sounds like the relationship is terribly unbalanced. No wonder you don't feel like sex with a workload and comments like that! I wonder if it's really easier on you being with your husband again as opposed to when you were seperated? It sounds like he creates stress and work without relieving any of the stress and work you have from constant caring for 3 small people.

It sounds like you need some serious time out. Not just time at uni, but time to go out alone and do whatever you feel like doing by yourself, meet some people, start up a hobby/activity that you love. Regularly. Can you organise that somehow? Occasional care? On the weekends when DH is home? After 3 children, you more than deserve it. I'm sure DH enjoyed plenty of time alone during the seperation, which is what I'd be reminding him of if he complains about you taking some weekend time for yourself.

[Fleur]

I think it's perfectly understandable for you to feel the way you do. Three little ones as young as they are is a lot on your plate.
And it doesn't sound like your DH is very supportive... in fact he might possibly be adding to the load from the sounds of it. Comments like that aren't very helpful just the opposite.
Have the two of you thought about relationship counselling?