Get into bed after a LONG day of whinging and tantrums. Almost asleep. DS wakes up. Dammit!

Patient at first. Feed him for 40 mins. Put up with the nipple pinching and twisting. Finally asleep. Put him back in his bed. Wide awake again. <insert swear words>

Get him up. Fix his bed so it's ready for him when he resettles. Feed for another hour. Not quite so tolerant of the pinching and twisting of now very sore nipples. Tell him off a couple of times. Restrain his hands. Cover said nipple while he tries to uncover it and continue pinching. Does nothing but keep him awake trying to get to it. Get more frustrated. Finally seems like he's asleep put him in his cot. Wakes up again. ARGH! Make him lie back down, probably a bit rougher than is ok and attempt to pat. Fail. Give up and leave him there crying. Feel awful. Go back 3 seconds later and get him up. Tell him off again. Feel worse.

Distinctly intolerant now. Extremely tired and grumpy (both of us). Try feeding to sleep again. Wont stop wriggling. Smack his bum. Still wriggles. Eff it. Let him sit up and feed that way. That's ok. But not going to sleep. Finally decides to lie down and feed. Give up on stopping him pinching nipples. Goes straight to sleep.

Now I dont want to put him back to bed. I want to hold him or wake him and tell him I'm sorry. Sorry I'm not a better mother. Sorry if I hurt him. Sorry that I made him cry.

He deserves so much better than me.