Yes, it IS too much to ask...

[ladybird11]

cyber hugs for you

[indie24]

Hugs to you. It sounds like my household... I have started the "one up all up rule" on the weekends. If DH can't give me a sleep in he doesn't get one either. *insert evil laugh*

[Turkish Delight]

She sounds very selfish Leash.

You need to remind her that Jazz is both of your little girl. Can you leave Jazz with Shel for one day and have a day out and she how she goes with doing "everything" you do in a normal day whilst looking after Jazz? Shel may only then experience what you normally go through.

I think sit her down and explain to her how you deserve a sleep in as much as she does.

GL.

[Bathsheba]

Yep, my DH is thoroughly exhausted of a Saturday afternoon by the time I return after being out having "me time" for most of the day. It gives him a real insight as to how mentally, emotionally and physically exhausting it is looking after 2 little kids and a teenager all day. Put it this way... he is very keen that I not step out for too long on the Sunday as well... which i threaten to do if I feel like I am carrying too much of the load ie doing the same job as I do Mon - Fri. DH has seen the movie Ground Hog Day.... and i think he "gets" how everyday could seem like GHD if i don't get at least 1 day a week of having a break and that means a sleep in as well as him dealing with the boys in the night if they need help... for just 1 day. Hehe come Monday morning he is probably quietly relieved to escape back to the office for some peace and quite, cleanliness, the ability to drink a coffee before it gets cold and stimulating conversation!

[~Saram~]

Ok it has taken me nearly 7 years to get to where we are now but it is working.

Firstly - I have given up on Dh ever getting up at night - firstly he doesn't hear them so I have to kick him out of bed and then he is such a deep sleeper I've actually found him in the rocker asleep with bub hanging precariously and screaming - so that doesn't work for us.

But... I do get a sleep in at least once a week - depending on how much he is working. Dh gets Saturday sleep in (or Monday if he works Sat) - always works to let them have the first one and then I get into bed on Sat night and say - don't forget your up tomorrow morning - I'll need until... (start out easy maybe an hour after normal wake up time). No questions it's happening. Morning comes - I don't care if I have to physically push him off the edge of the bed he is getting up. Now this is the hard part. Close the door - put the pillow over your head - whatever you need to do to tune out to what is happening out there - screaming carrying on whatever - ignore it. DO NOT allow said person back into bed with or without baby - try lying diagnoally across the bed and kicking After about 6 mths of this they get use to it. DH now gets up automatically and I have slept in occassionaly to 9am without being woken. If I've had a shocker I can even say - can you get up and he will (note this has only just started this year so a long time in coming) BTW - my expectations are low - when I get up the kids still are in their PJ's and without breakfast - although DD now asks for food which means he has to do something

If she starts coming in before the set hour and doing cute things like - oh look at me mum, or she needs you. tend to it and then send em out - keep this moment in your head and store it up for Shells sleep in and do the same thing to her. Once I have brought both kids into bed to Bob at 6am and we ate breakfast on the bed with the tv blarring so he knew how it felt

Basically Dh and I had a HUGE year this year - lots of barneys and me having lots of spack attacks about stuff that had built up over the past 7years and the sole thing that came out of it was that DH was not confident around kids - they are unpredictable and uncontrollable as far as he is concerned but the older they get and the more he is forced to deal with it without me getting up the better it is getting.

Good luck!!!

[Bathsheba]

ahhhh gotta spread some love Saram... brilliant post chicky! Love the bit about sleeping across the bed diagonally if necessary! PML I do that alot! And yep... sometimes you just have to have that spack attack PML. Keep up the good work!

[Arimeh]

I think Saram picked up on an excellent point - maybe its not that Shell is truly selfish, but that she just doesn't feel comfortable being on her own with Jazz? I know DH had some trouble adjusting to first time parenting, and he would bring DS in to me in bed or something and say ooh look at this cute thing he's doing

But I think it was because he just wasn't sure what he was doing unless I was with him. And ya know, even after 2, I'm a bit the same way! I feel more confident in my parenting ability if he's by my side - that extra support ya know?

So my point is, maybe its not cos she doesn't WANT to give you that sleep in - but she doesn't have the confidence to feel that she would be GOOD enough at mothering to do it alone.

[Je$$_84]

Awwwee Leash... I read this after i PMed you on FB.

looks like you are in the same situation as i am... I feel the EXACT way you do... Is it TOO much to ask that our partners take some responsibility and do these things without needing to be asked... i'm like you... not asking for a whole night off... that would be selfish now wouldnt it

I've learnt the hard way that doing everything gets you know where... My DP is sooo used to me doing everything that there isnt even a thought about it now... which is why we were on the brink of breaking up... sometimes i think it would be easier to go to work full time just so i can be equal with DP again so i can make him take more of a parenting role with the kids...

I really hope that you can work things out... but if Shel is like my DP you will mention it it might even happen once or twice then it will fall back on your hands... BUT i hope for you thats not the case... Speak up and say something hun... dont be like me and just put up with it.

Sarams post is tops.... might have to try that... although i do try to get a sleep in but its not regular... maybe i need to make it regular...

[Mak]

We have found this one REALLY hard. The advice you have gotten is spot on in my experience. DP really struggles with confidence in dealing with our headstrong 3 yo (aren't they all though), but is quite confident with the baby (as he has done it before -- and she doesn't argue, lol). He can't comprehend why I want some time ALONE not frantically doing jobs when he is home on the weekend, much like GHD Bath, PML. Plus he feels like all he does is work also - so we have tried to find some space for each of us. To be on call 24/7 and not have a break is not healthy for anyone.
Everyone is different and I have had to adjust my delivery so DH hears me - Slowly, slowly we are getting there though. He hears criticism when I mean to open discussion so that has been a learning curve for me too.
We started with an outing for ice cream for him and the girls. So a winner all around (and something that rarely happens) - short and manageable and DD1 was raving about it for ages (bit hard for Jazz but YKWIM). He does now give me a sleep in on the weekend (has only managed 45min so far but we're working on it) whilst I get up during the week as our girls get up at 5.30am.
One of the biggest things was me explaining to him that I value him/our family so much that I didn't want this to become so big that it threatened that, that we were worth fighting for rather than just fighting - I think breaking point it easy to reach when you feel tired, unappreciated and over worked. Also everyone has their own perspective and it is very easy for both partners to get caught in their own world - so we have tried to reconnect a bit too.
Progress is slow here and we do take steps backwards and forwards BUT things are changing. Good luck!

[Arcadia]

Will she mind Jazz at all while you're both home? Like to take her for a walk, or just play with her or watch telly together?

My DH doesn't get up to DD at all (but that's because she cries until she gets boobies!) but he regularly takes her away from me for a while. Sometimes he just wears her in the sling and goes about his usual stuff...so I can sleep/have a shower/do some sewing etc.

What if you did it in shifts, so that Shel gets up first then goes back to bed when you get up or vice versa?

I found I had to let DH have alone time with DD or I was going to go crazy. Yes they put the wrong nappies on/dress them in awful outfits/forget to put on a bib/don't put them down for a nap etc etc, but they sometimes need some space to do things their way.

ETA: you sound like you need a big hug!!! I hope things improve for you!

[Gigi]

wow, i am blown away that some parents find getting the children BREAKFAST is beyond them! how hard can putting some weetbix and milk in a bowl, be?

my dh has only just stopped getting up when our DD cries in the night, and bringing her to me. When she was over 12 months (when we stopped co-sleeping), he would also come back (when feed was over) and put her back in cot/bed whatever it was.

but now she's in teh big girl bed and very able to get out and walk to my bed, she doesn't need to be carried to my bed anymore, so it's not dh "getting out of it", it's just that DD is able to get to me easily.

I think my dh was so worried about my chronic sleep deprivation (DD woke every two hours for 19 months), he didn't feel safe about her being awake with me, without being awake himself, when DD wanted milk in the night. I think this was quite a big thing for him, cos he has sleep apnoea, and can fall asleep sitting up, with eyes open, so going to sleep is not hard for him.

Hearing about mums doing it all on their own, especially partnered mums, just blows my mind.

anytime dh does selfish crap, i do trot out the old "if you want to be a single person, go, leave, and be a single person."

part of OUR compromise, is that i leave a basket of "clothes to put on DD for the day", so dh doesn't have to work out/find/co-ordinate her clothes to put on.

Another compromise, is dh's use of the telly.dvd player as babysitter ad nauseum, i point out the dangers of that, and he nods but i don't think really gets it.

So when i get up, DD has had breakfast, been changed into her day clothes. (running at me, saying "booby!".)

DH works 9-5 type hours, then comes home, and bathes DD, watches her draw with bath crayons, they blow bubbles (after dinner), reads to her, it's their special time to reconnect. I instigated this because she misses him so much when he's out of home most of the time. I can bathe her myself, adn i love reading her stories but that doesn't give her time with her other parent, who give him experience (confidence) to do it himself. He had been coming home and doing non-child activities (computer, exercise bike, telly) after work and i had to point out, "you can do that stuff when she's in bed, but she waits all day to see you".

Initially, dh tried to pull the "if you want to use MCN, that's up to you" and i pulled the "is she only your DD when she has a clean bottom?" - which luckily, changed that dynamic. He then took on changing her without being asked, washing nappies, never did take them off the clothes airer and prep them, but certainly came a long way. It took education and patience to repeat instructions alot.

it took me two years to get him to go to swimming lessons with her, and it only started with us taking turns, (one week ME in the water, next week HIM in the water), but now it's going to be him all the time (as i initially suggested - their special "thing" to look forward to all week.)

being blunt, the longer this goes on, the unhappier you will be. Shell needs to step up NOW. Avoiding parenting will not help her get better at it. The resentment in you will build up and build up and explode as depression too.

So hard, when the person who needs to change, does not want to hear it.

[Heaven]

Great post Gigi. Sounds like you've got the same deal happening as me. DH gets up and gets DD and brings her to me to feed and then puts her back to bed when she's asleep. So he is awake at all feeds. There's no way he couldn't be anyway seeing he's in the same room and I'm not getting up in the cold to feed I'm staying in bed where it's warm! He also thinks I have the hard job and he has it easy bc he goes to work so he does as much as he can for us when he's home.

I was going to say I was really lucky but it's not luck it's because I make it pretty clear what I expect and anything less isn't gonna fly with me! Of course there's times when one of us needs time out or is sick or whatever and the other one takes up the slack and does the majority of the work but that's what it's about, we're a team and we work together!!

Shell needs a good kick up the bum Leash!! She is not holding up her end of the bargain and that is not good enough for you!! You deserve more and so does Jazz! If she contributed more it would be easier for her to settle Jazz too. DD settles as easily for me as she does DH because he does it a lot of the time too. I think maybe he's even better at it, lol. He's certainly more patient than me . And bc he does a lot for DD they have a great relationship already, her face just lights up when he gets home from work.

Ok, I've lost my point here. LOL, in summary, you and Jazz both deserve better! Like someone else mentioned maybe Shell just doesn't feel confident and you need to explicitly tell her what to do? Would that help??

[fionas]

I just wanted to say that the Groundhog Day factor is HUGE. I'm lucky that DD is a good sleeper so it's not the lack of sleep that is a big issue for me any more - it's the fact that I HAVE to get up when DD wakes up. It's not that I need radically more sleep but it would be nice to be able to get up when I want to - not when DD wants to. On the rare occasion when DP's shifts mean that he can get up first, it's just bliss. I can listen to the end of the news, read a glossy in bed or just whatever until I want to get up and not start the day like all the other days which is giving DD milk, breakfast, making a cup of tea, having my own breakfast and doing the daily "shall I have a shower with DD or just wait till she has her nap" dilemma.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's not just about sleep, as Jazz gets older and is sleeping better, you'll still want to start the day peacefully now and again - and so you should.

[kelebek]

I so hear you, I tried to go out the other night and was called home @ 10.30 as dp couldn't settle DS (who he is now 15 mnths) So I decided that he should be involved in the night settling as I thought it was confidence factor too, he 'tried' once and "as he doesn't have boobs" he wasn't going to do that again. When I tried to night wean DS, dp couldn't handle the crying and told me to "feed him as he (dp) needs to sleep"

There has been some great replies already. I honestly feel your pain, I wish I had some words of wisdom.

So I got up, and snapped at her "oh, I forgot, she's my daughter at night, not our daughter".

I wish I had the guts to say something like this I think it is brilliant.

[adhiamba]

Sorry to hear you're not getting any support. I know how you feel. I was on my own for the first 3 weeks with my little one. My partner took extra shifts at work (though I pay the bills and asked him to leave work early to help me), and if he wasn't working, he went out to bars. He moved into the spare bedroom so that baby and I wouldn't disturb his sleep. I had a very difficult delivery and was in a lot of pain. I'm also prone to insomnia, and having a baby to see to at least every 2 hours meant I didn't sleep at all.

Daddy came home late one night, and we were in the rocking chair. I was crying louder than the baby. Though he's far from the ideal parenting partner, he has been progressively more supportive since then. But it comes at a price.

Several of my in-laws (none with children) came over one night, just as I was putting baby to bed. (He still sleeps and wakes whenever he feels like it, but I'm trying to distinguish night from day to help him sleep better in the future). As I sat alone in a dark room, giving the little one his bedtime feeding, I got to listen to my partner's family calling me lazy and a drama queen.

Anyway, sorry to steal your rant a bit. But good luck to you, and I hope you get more help and respect!

[didispunk]

I so cannot complain about this.. But your comments have made me realise how fantastic my husband is..

I do the weekdays of night feeding etc.. Which our kids sleep from 7-8 until 7-9am.

And he does the weekends so that I get a break as well.. Has been like this with our first and now second.

I am very very lucky.

[Indadhanu]

I do the weekdays of night feeding etc.. Which our kids sleep from 7-8 until 7-9am.

LOL, so you don't do night feeding then?


This has improved GREATLY, just in case anyone is wondering! I do 6 nights a week, and Shel does one. Last night I got to stay in bed the WHOLE night (except at 5am when Jazz hadn't fed all night and thought she was STARVING lol, so I got up to feed for 10 minutes) and then back to sleep until 7am!
It helps that Jazz now only wakes once or twice a night.

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

You poor thing, i go through exactly the same with DP... EVERY night i get up and have since DD was born.
He works 6 days a week and gets HIS sleep in on Sunday, i fell asleep on the couch the other night, he woke me up to tell me DD was screaming at about 11pm.
I went in and he had taken her to bed with him and said, she has been like this for 40min.. I TRIED.. it was like he wanted me to give him a medal for not waking me up... i said do this at 3am for 2hrs straight then come tell me you have done a great job!
He doesn't THANK me for letting him sleep.. it's a GIVEN!

I hope you get a nice big sleep in one of these days, anything past 6 here is a sleep in aswell.

GL and big