I'm going to take him out this morning for some one-on-one time, so I might trying explaining that it's not long term to him. He probably won't get it since his concept of time doesn't really go beyond a few days, but it might help me feel better.
DH said to me last night that DS1 is actually fine and hasn't shown any signs that he is upset or missing out. He's not acting out (anymore than usual), and is actually pretty excited to have both of us home everyday. Which is all true, I guess it's just me being hard on myself.
Teeki - the bedtime juggle is by far the hardest part. In the future, DH won't be home in time 2 nights a week, so I'll be doing it on my own.
I just need a plan, that's how I function... Funnily enough, newborns are into plans/routines
That initial adjustment period is hard. it takes a few months to get into the swing of things and everything will settle again.
Your priority right now is quite rightly your new baby - he needs you more - and your own recovery. Be kind to yourself.
Wow, I remember feeling like this when DD2 was just born. I still feel like it occasionally, but not as much.
When it was just me in the evening I would have to read DD1 stories on the couch whilst feeding DD2 and then, either when DD2 had finished, or between sides, take DD1 to bed. Like lots of babies, DD2 cluster fed like crazy in the evening, so I got used to doing lots with a baby attached to me. I tried my best to so some special activities with DD1 most days when DD2 was sleeping.
Oh Connie, I remember this. And my heart hurts when I think about it and when I look at photos of my DD at 2.5 when DS1 arrived. I want to go back to that poor, exhausted me and say this:
You are enough. You don't have to do anything. You don't have to manage craft and excursions and singing time... in fact, your older child will ultimately benefit from learning to entertain themselves with a cardboard box and a wooden spoon. All you have to do, is be there. Just be as present as you can. Even if that's just from the couch as you feed, or in and out of the room as you settle bubs. Be as loving as you can, and when you lose your cool, apologise and move on, you're not the most evil parent in the world because you yelled for a second.
I beat myself up SO MUCH for not being enough for DD when DS1 was born. I went from very hands-on parenting to just barely there, desperately trying to fit in a puzzle and some playdoh between endless rocking and feeding of an unsettled baby. And I think she would have been fine for it... had I not been so sure that she was experiencing 'neglect' that I let it turn me inside out with guilt. It made me irritable and frustrated and ashamed and resentful of DS and of DD if she didn't seem to enjoy when I did manage some quality time. I think it was one of the biggest drivers behind what ultimately turned into PND for me. And that is the thing that did impact on her. That her Mummy was miserable. I feel so incredibly sad that I missed out on the little joys we could have had, because of the guilt that I wasn't doing as much as I had previously.
I've had a great shift in my parenting approach over the last 12 months, largely inspired by the RIE model which advocates just being there with kids and fostering their independent play and exploration, rather than doing things with/for them. It has given me permission to step back and observe that with a healthy, safe space and some open-ended props (and, at first, some weaning off their dependence on me to generate ideas), my kids do not get bored. They do not need me to entertain them. And I am enough if I am warm, respectful, and as available as I can be.
I'm in the process of trying to apply this to the arrival of number three (now 10 weeks). It's easier in part, as my older two do entertain eachother (in between a bit of biffo and squabbling). But woah, it's tough with a newbie. Nothing, not even experience, prepares you for the stretch of exhaustion, demands and divided attention. Sleep deprivation and post birth hormones = craaaazy. But mostly, letting go is kind of working. I'm still snappy and frayed. I still feel like I could be giving more. But I know that I can't and I don't want to take any more away by being sad and guilty and miserable at what just is.
I hope that makes sense. Sleep deprivation also makes expression difficult!
Hang in there Hun. Like you said, it gets easier. Between now and then, where you can, sit on the floor in your jarmies with your boys and just hang out. xox
Re: 2nd time mother's guilt...
Reply With Quote
Bookmarks