Wants everything and wont stop whinging

[Astrid]

I am at an absolute loss with DD1 (and so is DH).

To put it in the nicest possible way, she is a right little whinger. She does not have a happy voice around us, even though she does around others. Most of her sentences begin with "Muummmeeee, can I have........?" She even gets out of bed to come and ask for things, I swear her want list is a mile long.

I can no longer deal with it. I am completely stressed (does not help that DD2 is keeping me up half the night still) and just totally lost on how to manage her.

When she speaks with a whingy voice, I tell her she is and ask her to use a nicer/happy voice, she then argues that she is not whinging.
She won't stop asking, if we so "No" or "not now" or even "Yes". She will continue to ask over and over again. No amount of "don't argue", threats to no longer do what we said yes to, taking away items, sending her to her room etc don't work.
Her whinging was so bad one day we were out shopping, (had a to go to a number of shops, then we had planned to take the girls to the park, before the grocery shop), that we cracked it and just went home. Even after missing out on the park and a possible icecream has not been enough to get the idea to stop whinging and stop asking for things all the time.

She has no memory of when she last had something if it was recent, but certainly has memory if it has been awhile (can give a full description of the day she last had a happy meal, but cannot remember that she had some lollies last night).

I try to point out to her that we don't have a lot of money to just spend on whatever she wants and that there are plenty of children out there that get a lot less than her. Like with book orders, she is one of the few in the class that gets them, but that is not enough, she must have the most expensive box set Honestly the next book club order form is going to go right into the fire.

I absolutely loathe taking her anywhere now, as I all deal with is the "I wants". I feel for those around us listening to her and me. If it was not for living so far out, we would have a lot more of just leave where we are and go home, but that is just not practical.

When we are actually shopping for her, it is so painful. She does get some say, but even then she whinges. I now try to shop without her. Funny how she can be so happy with bathers I bring home, but if I took her out to choose them with me, she would have hated them and carried on.

Even when she gets what she wants, or get to do what she wants, she then starts of the next thing. Take Bunnings for example, wants to go in the playground, which is a "yes", get her in the playground, then all she does is stand there and say "mummy, can I get a sausage, can we go to the park, can ......?" I have to actually order her to play otherwise she has to leave the playground. I just don't get it.

Any ideas? I don't want it to be like this. I want to be able to go places with her and enjoy it, have her enjoy it. She spends so much time "wanting" that she never gets to enjoy anything. Other people tell me she is a happy kid, but we don't get to see it.

[Novella]

Its so frustrating isnt it. DD1 went through this a little while ago and in the end the only thing that worked was syaing we couldnt understand her when she was using her whingeing voice and would ignore her until she spoke in a normal voice.

DD1 is anxious and is always seems to think she is missing out on something to the point that she gets so busy worrying about missing out on x she doesnt get the chance to enjoy Y. I think a lot of it is personality so we now plan special things and having that to look forward to takes her mind off of other things. A lot of her worry is about what DD2 is doing while she is at school and what she might have missed out on, do you think your DD may feel the same? We have had to explain that they are different and do different things and that is ok. We now have a special time Friday nights where DD1 gets to stay up 30 mins longer than dd2 and we play a board game, watch a show together or she can use my iPad and it has really made a difference.

Does she have pocket money? Could you give her a book allowance and she can save it for a set or buy a small item each time the catalouge comes out?

Problem places like bunnings (we have the same issue and add in can I get my face painted?') we now have a plan before we go eg Mummy and Daddy will get the things we need then you get to go on the playground for 10 minutes and today we dont have the time/money for face paint/sausage/little trolleys...' Shops you can chose a muffin or a ride when when finish but if you ask for things you will not get the treat at the end. We always do three strikes and your out so they know what to expect, its not perfect but it seems the best way for us to manage things so far.

[Santosha]

I may be way off the mark and I'd be very interested to know what others have to say but is it possible that it's an anxiety driven behaviour? Perhaps there's so many possibilities that it's overwhelming and she's not sure what she could have and how to control for the things she potentially can't have, so she needs to try for everything?

If this were what's driving it, I'd then assess the anxiety (are there any other stressors there that are making her amxious and increasing her need for control? How does it manifest for her in terms of thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations... what helps, how does it change when you say yes versus when you say no....), raise her awareness of it and teach management strategies and then set very firm, predictable boundaries around what she can and can't have. This may be to the point that you have to write down rules about things she can and can't have when out and how 'excess' requesting will be managed. Unpredictability can be very stressful - but is just in the nature of normal life. Sometimes you can go to the Bunnings playground, sometimes you can't. She may need it to be more planned than this so there's not so much room for the 'maybes'.

[Astrid]

Thanks for reply ladies.

Yes, DD1 does suffer from anxiety. Last year she used to complain of tummy pain a lot, to the point where we took her to a paed. He could find no medical reason for the pains, so put it down to anxiety. The tummy pains disappeared quite quickly once she had to go through getting blood taken for tests.

Sorry just realised I am too tired for a good reply. Will come back to this.

[chody47]

Ok, I'll tell you my first idea, not sure if it'll work, but it might be worth a try???

Could you try giving her an 'x' number of things she can ask for (and receive) each day? Say you were going somewhere tomorrow and you gave her 3 'tokens' (so she doesn't forget how many she has left) and she can ask to do/have 3 things that hasn't already been promised to her (eg you may have already said you would take her to the park, so it doesn't count). She would need to understand that she wouldn't get every thing she asked for (esp if it cost money for example) and denied things don't count (although if she kept arguing or winging about these things you may take a token away). once she has used all tokens that's it, no more asking.....eventually she might learn to only ask for things she really wants????

[Starfish]

I just saw this thread and had to open in because my first thought was - Does Astrid know my DD???

Then I read the OP and I swear I could have written every word myself. My DD is exactly the same. It is so tiring and so frustrating. The worst for me is that I work during the day and DH stays home with her, and whenever they go out, he usually gives in to her just to stop the whingeing (little realising that giving to her will only stop for 5 minutes until she wants the next thing...).

Not sure of practical advice - what I am trying to do is:
1) Compromise with her - e.g. if you get an ice-cream then we can't look at toys - so which would you prefer?
2) Tell her I'm not listening until she starts using a normal voice and tone. Good idea whoever says "I can't understand you". I must try that.
3) Explain to her that people can't get what they want all the time and sometimes explain something that I would like but can't have, e.g. "mummy would like to buy those shoes, but we don't have enough money for them", etc.

[peanutter]

Hi there, hun. Sounds just like a girl we had living with us for over a year, a few years back ...

Two ideas:-

1. A monthly wall calendar, on which you write/use a simple picture to show what day(s) that months things will happen (pool, park, library, boo orders, ice cream, play centre, zoo, lunch out, etc). If planning a month ahead is unrealistic - if it's not manageable, perhaps a weekly chart would be more do-able. You can then just refer her to the calendar - "DD1, you know that we went to the park last Tuesday, and we're going again this Tuesday. Today is Sunday, we're not going today. We will go on Tuesday." You could even do a day schedule - play time, snack time, etc, with pictures of a clock with the time ... use it as an exercise for reading the time even!

2. Star chart, setting up expectations for her - we did one with two sections. One was for responsibilities (chores, curfew, etc) the other was for behaviour (being polite, being helpful, etc). Not getting a daily star in the responsibilities section lead to consequences, getting 5 stars in the behaviour section lead to a low cost age appropriate treat (small toy, magazine, CD single, etc). The responsibilities section set up key, measurable expectations. The behaviour section gave them something to work on, which could be clearly discussed and referred to, and encouraged positive behaviour. With some kids it worked fabulously. Some kids were too old for a star chart to really seem enticing, but hey, I'm sure you can think of something which could work for your DDs.

[Cassius2]

we are in the same boat with our DD1. I am ATM putting it down to the stress of returning home from 7 months abroad and the waiting for the new baby. I also have a feeling that she is developmentally going through something massive and this is causing some confusion emotionally/hormonally for her. that said, i am at my wits end and have had to have a few teary moments to DH about it as it would seem that she is just so bored and unhappy to hang out with us (her whinges usually revolve around being somewhere/doing something/seeing friends etc).

i really do not have any advice just plain and simple 'solidarity sista' sentiments with you! I am at a complete loss and really have to work hard to maintain my cool with her constant discontent (which somedays can start the moment she wakes up...on those days it is usually because there is something fun on that day and she feels she is unable to do anything fun while she waits for the activity ITMS).

[Barb Glare]

Oh, I thought you were describing my family life for the last 20 years.......

[Barb Glare]

The funniest thing is when you find yourself whinging at them to stop whinging at you!

[Cassius2]

The funniest thing is when you find yourself whinging at them to stop whinging at you!

so so true! that's when you know you are doomed