Being over-protective.....

[MummaSue]

I was chatting to DH last night about this and I think that I have a problem with me being too overprotective of DD.

I hate other people holding her. It makes me anxious to the point where I want to take her back from them - which I usually do, coming up with some excuse why she needs to be with me eg nappy change, boobie etc. I *let* other people hold her but it makes me really really anxious.
I also struggle to be around children who are older than DD and who perhaps show an interest in playing with her - I worry that they are going to be rough with her and hurt her.

And don't get me started on actually leaving her with someone. Nope, WILL NOT consider this. But luckily we don't need to, I have no plans to return to work this year.

How do I over come this? She is such a sociable wee thing at the moment, I don't want my issue to rub off on her and make her clingy (aside from separation anxiety I mean).

Thanks x

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

There is nothing wrong with not wanting your baby held by all and sundry! That's normal. And worrying for her health and well-being, that's good.

If it is limiting you and your daughter, then it could be a problem.

I have found that older children are usually better around babies. Children age 3+ know about being gentle with babies and love stroking and petting them. Unsupervised 2-year-olds are far worse for attacking older children!

When Liebs, a very sociable child, was your DD's age, I supervised him constantly. I would happily jump in if I thought another child was being a bit boistrous. He didn't play with much older children until he could stand his ground though, which helped. He also didn't leave my side for the first year. I couldn't imagine it being any other way. He's my baby! Babies shouldn't leave their mothers if they don't have to. What benefit would it actually bring? I'm sure one day you'll decide that Daddy can do the parenting while you do the shopping in peace, but until that day comes don't worry about it.

You know what I wish? That I'd been clingier with Liebling and not let my mother bully me into her having all the cuddles and... eugh! Why part a mother from her baby unless you're a sadist?

[sloane]

i agree with LZ.

i also think it tends to resolve itself a bit once they start walking - not sure if it's the same with all children but DS was a clingy baby (who everyone loved cuddles from) but once he started walking, he's become far too busy (most days) for random cuddles from people. he still loves cuddles from DP & i (when he wants them!) but is very rarely held by other people now - he'll go to his grandparents if we're not there (eg i go to the gym for an hour on a friday & he stays with my mum & dad) but pretty much never chooses anyone over DP or i. i don't know if this is the case for all babies but watching at playgroup it looks like most of them are far too busy for being held!

i don't see anything wrong with keeping an eye on older children - for the most part though they seem to love babies & be quite gentle but i think you're just being a good mum for supervising!

[MummaSue]

Thanks for the reassurance guys.

I think that for me, it's bordering on a problem..... but I'll work it out

[sneakysparkle]

TBH I think its normal (and wonderful!) that you have a lovely bond with your daughter!
I was very protective of my girls - DD2 especially. She is still incredibly social now, so it wasn't to her detriment that I kept her close as a baby

[Phteven]

If you think it is a problem then maybe you're right. You're better qualified to diagnose a problem than anyone else. If you know there is a problem then you've taken the most important step which is identifying it.
On the rough children front - maybe you need to remind yourself of the benefits that children gain from interacting with children of different ages. As a PP said most older children are careful with younger ones. My boys have an 18 month old cousin and they all have a blast playing together - it's very rare that she gets hurt in fact she hurts them far more often than they hurt her.
On the cuddles with adults - I don't think that it's a big deal but as she matures your daughter will really benefit from relationships with adults outside the family unit. In her teenage years having access to sympathetic 'aunts' might be really useful to you and her. Even though it's hard you need to try and nurture those relationships now for the years to come.

[~Stoked~]

I am exactly the same! I was just having the same conversation with my BF, who has two young bubs and is a VERY different parent to me. She likes her bubs to settle themselves, leaves them with her parents, sleeps in different rooms to them etc. I explained it as feeling like Archie was an extension of myself, like one of my arms or something! I used to hate people holding him too. I have only left him once (at 10 months) when I had to go to a wedding (had RSVP'd months before thinking id be ok!) and I cried!
I am also worried about it and the affect it will have on me/him. It is already affecting the relationship I have with my hubby as Archie co-sleeps with me and DH sleeps in the nursery! (haha!) So, for us, it is causing a problem. The way I look at it is that they'll only be babies for such a short amount of time and they have all the time in the world to be independent and to grow up. But in saying that, I don't think I'm going to be this way with the next baby (well to this extent anyway) as I won't have time!
Id love to hear other responses to this as I've been wondering if it's normal to feel this way too!

[PollyA]

I think if something isn't sitting right for you its a good idea to work on it. What kind of parent did you want to be?
I believe that our modern approach to parenting is a difficult one to sustain. I think the old saying "It takes a Village to raise a child" is so very true so I am working hard to build my village. This does involve letting go a little. My first night away from my daughter when she was 11 months old was a concert of my favourite singer, I felt like a piece of me was missing. I cried a lot, and when other mums said things like "freedom...you want a drink?' i thought "how could you understand" But she was with her grandparents, and shes a part of them too. Even more so when she's with her dad (while I'm at work), I only really became more comfortable as she got older. You know that old saying about love being like a bird, I can't remember how it goes, but something about holding it too tight can kill it, letting it go and it comes back to you...
We are as close as I had always wished for, and even better i am not her entire world. She has others who have her back, teach her stuff. She is becoming her own little person in the world, I see bits of me, I see bits of her Dad, but I see mostly a new little person, separate from me. Its also the worst part...its nice to be someones entire world, but maybe not the best things for them
I am also grateful that when they get bigger and maybe do things that I don't like, leave me to discover the world I will have other things in my life. I am a better mum by being a person in my own right.
We are a part of somehing bigger. I think a mothers protective instinct is as natural as....well all things natural (sleep deprivation while encouraging philosophical thought, stunts word finding). What I am not sure about is the idea that no-one else can provide the protection. I think thats new.
I also wonder if that fierce protection we think we are giving actually is protective. I have noticed that my kids are much more likely to fall over in my arms reach than when they are carefully exploring a little way away. ( I know thats not all the protection is about but a small example)
Anyway, I don't think there are any right answers, Its just about finding what works for you, now and in the future, and what makes you and yours happy.

[Fig]

By no way I am I suggesting that this is your issue, however I just wanted to tell you my story.

I am incrediably overprotective of my children, won't go into details but like you have trouble letting other people have them. Even now with my 3 and half year old. Neither of them have ever been away from me overnight. Anyway both are terrible sleepers and I have been chronically overtired for 3 and half years. Some days I feel completley stretched. My doctor had been suggesting anti-depressents to help me deal with the stress and anxiety. A couple of months ago I 'gave in' and starting taking the medicine. It has helped incredibly. I am still shocking with being overprotective but understand a lot of it is my issue. However, the medicine has helped me not to get anxious thinking about all the horrible things that could go wrong.

I also attended a sort of parenting group therapy thing for a couple of months and it really helped me to have a look at what where my issues and how they may be affecting my children. Its all very well for people to say, yes you should let them stay overnight, or let go a bit, but if the thought of it gives you anxiety then you really need to work on it. Doesn't mean you have to let go, just find out where it comes from and then make a decision. I hope I am making some sense , cause its a bit hard to explain.

I hope you find something that helps.

[Gigi]

Just sounds like attachment parenting to me.

i wonder why you think you have a problem? are other people on your back about it?

do you have your bub in a sling? i think maybe it would be easier to keep baby with you, if baby is in a sling - especially in social situations. Your baby is not a doll, but a baby needing stability and being close to you - not being the parcel in "pass the parcel". Some people put so much pressure on the mum to pass the bub around, regardless if the baby likes it or the mother is comfortable with it.

be selfish, put your child's needs ABOVE all those adults. This is not easily done. The baby can't speak. The adults will speak very well. You end up being the advocate for your bub - with people rolling their eyes, doubting you. But sometimes what they are asking, is for what they want and need, not necessarily what the baby needs at that moment.

i don't think handing your baby to anyone is a great idea. They could be carrying a disease or virus, might not have washed their hands. An adult carrying whooping cough, well whooping cough can kill a baby. Babies immune systems haven't had the time to build up immunity like adults have.

helping your baby bond to you, and your bub is only 8 months old - what you're doing seems very normal to me - you're the mumma lion protecting her cub. little bubs are so vulnerable due to their size, they're often on the floor, the bones in their skull havne't even fused over yet. They don't have kneecaps yet. they grow so much in that first year.

enjoy this stage.

your body is full of love hormones, so i hope you trust your gut and stop doubting yourself.

no-one is going to protect and love your bub like you will
and that is nothing to apologise for.

i did not leave my 8 month old with anyone apart from the father.

If you mix with people into attachment parenting, you will find what you're doing, is actually "the norm".

[Fig]

Actual anxiety about your child can sometimes be more complex then making a conscience decision on the parenting style you choose.

[~Stoked~]

Gigi, you just made so much sense! A penny just dropped for me!

Mummasue, the good thing about when they start school is that the classes are always looking for parent helpers! I basically lived at the kindy when DD first started!

[Lily Dust]

And don't get me started on actually leaving her with someone. Nope, WILL NOT consider this. But luckily we don't need to, I have no plans to return to work this year.

Hmmmm, I havent left DD yet either, the thought actually makes me physically sick

I think this might be a pretty common feeling among some mummys and I hope I dont offend anyone in saying this, but perhaps more common in those that have taken half a lifetime to get their bubba's. Its that fear of what if something happens to her??? Its a pretty scary thing to let others, who I might add you cant control, touch or hold or look after your child! I hate it when older kids or even kids the same age hit or bite DD. Sorry soooo no help but just want you to know its normal, or at least I believe it is or Im a bit crazy too

[PollyA]

My understanding of attachment theory and a child being securely attached is that its not a literal or physical thing. Its about have a secure emotional base from which to explore the world.
I think everyone needs to parent how they decide to, but attachment parenting is not necessarily to the exclusion of others. In fact a child can have healthy attachment to more than one caregiver,
Anxiety has its place in our survival when there is a real threat to us (the flight or fight response to being confronted by a dinosaur or bear) but when it is triggered in the absence of a real threat it can be a very unpleasant thing to live with and can really affect a persons life.
Society and the media are constantly telling us we, as parents, need to be a fearful for our kids, but I think the threats are really overstated and hyped up. Its often in order to sell things (mobile phones, safety equipment etc, they sell early walking helmets now...)
There is a blog called Free Range kids that talks a lot about these issues and trying not to buy into the fear.

I, too, think its normal to have the feelings of not wanting to leave your children etc, but sometimes not challenging these feelings a little can make life difficult... and sometimes I think its healthy to overcome the fear, especially when there isn't a real threat. I hope you can overcome your anxiety MummaSue, it sounds like your princess is a very much loved little girl!

[Fig]

PollyA you put it so well.

MummaSue: The biggest thing I worry about with my anxiety / overprotectiviness is that I will teach my children that the world is a scary place and they cannot put any trust in anyone. Also, that by always being there to watch over them and protect them I am not giving them the skills to go out into the world and be able to look after themselves (obviously this is age appropriate, your little bubba is still so young, but won't always be). Sometimes looking into where these anxieties may come from can be very helpful. Is there anyone / any services near you that you might be able to just chat with. I am not saying that you have a problem at all, but if you feel it is affecting your parenting then it is an issue for you.

[MummaSue]

Thank you everyone

[Gigi]

i think nature puts mothers on "high alert" with a young baby, as a survival mechanism. small babies are at greater risk than other members of the population. in nature, many young get eaten. so i think, alot of what is seen as "overprotectiveness", actually keeps very young babies safe.

the reality is, those uncovered storm drain holes in the side of the road, they ARE big enough for a baby to fall into, so i gave those a wide berth, made sure i didn't park near any. Stuff i NEVER thought about pre-baby. Stuff that sounds silly to most people. But if my baby HAD fallen down a drain hole, i would have never been able to forgive myself. Due to labour complications, i was less physically able than usual, for the first year of bilby's life, so every time i lifted her in and out of the car, i was in alot of pain, and constantly worried "what if i drop her?" - because it was a possibility. I had taken five years to be able to conceive, she was finally here, and survived a difficult entry, i didn't want to lose her.

it is a survival mechanism to be aware of dangers, to not be foolhardy.

despite my anxieties, young children have a gungho approach, they are innocent and think well of people. i've found it the opposite, i've had to temper my four year old's desire to run naked into the street, run on the road, talk to anyone (we don't live in the kind of neighbrouhood where that is safe, even for adults to do) - so despite her growing up with me and my anxieties, i don't think she is harmed from my carefulness.

i want and encourage her to wash her hands after the toilet - nowadays, her instinct is to run off and play (even before putting clothes back on). She is not a handwashing robot, too interested in playing for that.

As she got bigger and my health got better, my anxiety about the uncovered storm drains abated.
But i have educated her what those holes in the road are, and to walk AROUND them.
I would rather have her aware, than ignorant.
There will be so many things i WON"T be able to protect her from.

everyone does things differently, we all love our kids and are trying to do the best we can, by them.

[Fig]

Gigi - sorry I think I may have offended you. I wasn't trying to say protective mothering is a bad thing, just that sometimes the anxiety level surronding those protective behaviours can be overwhelming.

I can only give an example of my situation. My 3.5 year old still comes into our bed half way through the night. Prior to looking into my issues I would lie awake at night while she was in her bed worrying about 'what if someone broke into the house', 'what if there was a fire', what if..... I wouldn't be able to sleep until she came into our bed. Some would say yes these are things that could potentially happen, but even after I had taken all possible precautions I would still lie there really worrying about the what ifs. So for me your examples of the holes in the road, I would worry even after I had taken steps to prevent it. I hope that makes sense.