Hi all

I have a four year old stepson and I need some help as we're going to be walking into a a potentially difficult situation and I don't know how to deal with it. I want to do the best thing by him of course but I also want it to be as stress free as possible for all involved, not just him.

My DSS lives overseas with his mother, DH and I moved out to Australia last year as we were pretty much screwed over by the GFC and we didn't have much of a choice. Australia is home for me and it was the best and pretty much only option we had after we both lost our jobs and had no prospects of things getting any better.

We're heading back next year and I'm really worried about how it's going to affect all of us. I highly doubt DSS remembers me. He was 2 when I left and I haven't seen or spoken to him since. DH talks to him over the webcam and has also been back for a visit but we couldn't afford for both of us to go. I love him to death - it was my idea to go back and it was because of DSS that I suggested it (not a story for here, it's all very complicated going back to before DSS was born, but no, neither DH or I ever did anything naughty).

So, we're going back into a situation where DSS seems convinced that his daddy is going back to live with him and his mum in their house. In reality Daddy is coming back with stepmother (me) and a baby sister he doesn't know exists (and isn't even born yet) and Daddy and stepmum are going to be living in their own house with his baby half sister and he will come to visit. DH has tried to explain that to him as best as he can but I don't think DSS understands at all.

I'm so worried about him not accepting the situation, about him not feeling like he's really a part of our family etc. I love him as though he was my own flesh and blood and I want him to feel loved and valued and comfortable and happy with us. I don't know how often he will be visiting us, the situation is very, very complicated. I am planning on decorating a fantastic bedroom for him once we are settled and so that can be his own special place (he doesn't have his own bedroom at home).

I really, really don't know how to handle this. He loved me when I was a part of his life and I want to get that back. I understand it's a process etc but I just feel so worried and lost about how all this is going to pan out. He is a very stressed little boy which doesn't help. If you want more in depth details PM me but I'm not going to talk about it publically as it's all quite nasty. I have sat in twice on a part of DH's webcam chats with him (when DSS is staying with my MIL, not when he's with DH's ex) and the first time he was very shy, the second he still didn't say anything but when I said I had to go he said goodbye to me, waved and blew me a kiss.

I feel terrible for feeling like this, but I'm totally overwhelmed. It took me a long time to cope with being a stepmum even though I knew what I was getting into as DH's ex was pregnant when he and I started seeing each other. It was still a big transition but eventually I got the hang of things and DSS loved me to bits and the feeling was mutual. Now though I'm only just going to be learning to be a mum when I become mum of a newborn AND part time (possibly frequent) mum of a four year old... we are going back when DD will be only 9 weeks old if she comes on time, so it's going to be a period of HUGE adjustment. While I obviously want it to be stress free I'm not naieve enough to believe it will actually be like that!

Sorry this is long and rambling, I feel a tad lost though and I found it quite hard to compose this post, so sorry if its confusing! I've tried talking to DH about it but he just keeps telling me not to worry and that we'll take it slowly and then he changes the subject. I think he's nervous too but we've had so much other stuff going on that he doesn't want to talk about it and he doesn't want me to worry.

If anyone has any tips, advice, strategies etc I would really appreciate it. I want to do the best by all of us here, and I want both children to be happy, healthy and feel totally loved and a part of our family.