Conflicting advice and getting frustrated!!!! *rant*

[MrsBexie]

Yeah babyluv I don't get why they say wake a baby that's asleep!! It takes forever to get them settled again!!!

[peanutter]

hi there, lovely.

you're a fantastic mother, and the first six weeks can be really hard, particularly with your first baby. be kind to yourself, be reassured that you're not alone, and that you're doing well, and things will get easier, and we all love you.

no, a few points I'd like to make ... and this is all just my opinion, so feel completely free to take or leave any of it! but my thought are:-

1. you are *exactly* right in saying that there's not just one way to raise a child. that's for certain!! if there was only one logical, loving method, then everyone would do it all babies are different, period.

2. one thing that comes out from your original post is that you seem to be feeling a lot of guilt over your choices, because whatever decision you make, the potential negatives are coming out the strongest ... ie: you're "depriving" her of a routine, or else you're spoiling her, rather that feeling that you're comforting and reassuring her, or you're helping her to develop habits and routine and feel safe and stable. There are pros and cons in most different methods - and none are perfect! Hopefully you'll be able to focus on the positives in whatever method you choose - because whatever method you adopt, you'll be going for it because you love her and want the best for her. easier to say than do I know, but remember that with comparisons we often compare the worst with the best ... so try to focus on the best! because any choices you make for your little girl are for her benefit ... you're a good person, and a great mother.

3. remember that you can try something out for a while, and change your mind if you need to. I was 100% against dummies ... until DS sucked my finger raw from 2.30am to 4.30am one day ... my cuticle was half way up to my elbow, and I realised how silly I was being ... you may decide to try one method, and decide later that it's not working for her (or for you!!) and try something else out no right and wrong answers a lot of the time ...

4. just because something worked for your sister/friend/mother in law/neighbour doesn't mean it's going to work for you, and any other woman with half a brain and half a heart should know this, and NEVER make you feel silly, bad, etc for having/considering/seeking another opinion, deciding to do something else, disagreeing, or finding that their way doesn't work for you! my best friend and I do almost everything baby related completely differently. but she and I care about each other to respect the fact that we both love our babies, we're both perfectly able to read and research and form opinions, and even though we come to different conclusions, we respect each others' decisions and wouldn't dream of belittling disrespecting each other.

5. you're not going to ruin your child

6. personally, we read a bunch of books, and figured out a method that was going to work for our family. we went for a flexible 4 hourly routine. and it worked great - for us. But I would never assume that a routine would suit all babies!!

7. Babies cry. Often, a lot. If you look at how many hours (yes, hours) newborns cry on average (and then reason that if the "average" baby cries for x hours, for every baby that cries less, there's one who cries more! That being said, listen to your instincts ... are you worried something might be wrong? Listen to your gut, and seek assistance (from a phone advice service, or your GP, or your health care nurse, etc) if you think something is amiss, or that your little girl might have silent reflux or something else. But just general crying, as heartbreaking as it can be - particularly if you're already tired and trying to recover from birth/c-section/etc and aclimatising to your new role, etc - it's nothing personal. Your baby isn't crying because you've done anything wrong! They're learning and everything too ... they can cry because they're tired, hungry, too full, have wind, are too hot, are too cold, have been over-stimulated, saw or heard something that startled them, they startled theirself, they had a dream and are surprised, or any number of other things ... and they can't explain it to you!! how frustrating it can be, for them and for us!! but it's so hard to keep in mind that just as they can't talk yet - we can't mind read, and so can't always fix everything, the way we naturally want to but it's not our fault, and we're not bad because we aren't mind readers, and crying lots isn't a reflection of bad mothering or inadequacy ... it's just crying, and we deal with it as best as we can, the way we do every other aspect of being a fabulous and loving mummy

8. Again, be kind to yourself. A happy, healthy, vaguely rested mummy is the best thing you can provide your baby with. having a routine, getting used to falling asleep on the boob, doing a no-cry method or a cry-it-out method or an attachment theory method or whatever - they're not going to remember it when they're 4. What they will know when they're 4 is what your relationship with them is ... and that will be impacted so much by you feeling entitled to look after yourself, and being ok inside

WOW mg: that was a bit of an essay, sorry!! please don't feel preached at ... I just feel very passionate about the topic in general ... we're all grown ups, and we should be able to feel empowered to look at the options, the research, the expert opinions, and make decisions ourselves without feeling judged and crucified for doing what we think is best for our babies ...

if we spent as much time encouraging and supporting each other as some people spend tearing others down if their views vary, we'd all be much happier and more confident in our ability as a mother.

[wysiwyg]

With everything in life there are multiple ways of doing something but for some reason we find it harder to filter and pick and choose between different methods and advice when it comes to parenting - probably because we want to do it absolutely right, but like you say there is no one right way. For example - If you look up how to grow tomatoes you will find many different ways and conflicting advice, different things will work for different people because the location, the soil, the climate, the type of tomatoes etc are different.

Just remember no one else is an authority on your child, they are all different, just like adults are all different, you know your child best and for anything to work it has to work for you two as a pair (and probably with your DH too) - something that works for your DD but not for you won't be the best solution, and vice versa. If you think of it scientifically and say there are 5 variables in the child and 5 variables in the parent (massive underestimation) then that means there are 3125 different ways these could combine which in my mind means 3125 different ways of parenting to suit that.

My personal rule which came up with after spending first couple of weeks feeling lost is "Would I like that done to me?" E.g. do I like being woken up - no, do I like being made to wait for food - no, do I like being kept awake if I am sleepy - no, do I some days want more cuddles than others? - yes, am I a routine person? - no. I figure there is a good chance DD is similar to me so if I work out how I would feel and then treat her the same, is a good start. Other parents may answer those questions differently but that is fine their children are more likely to be like them.

[HotI]

3. remember that you can try something out for a while, and change your mind if you need to.

Yep! So true. There are things i didn't think that i would do- but i do them and they work for us and things i thought i would do -that i don't do anymore cos they didn't work for us.

My personal rule which came up with after spending first couple of weeks feeling lost is "Would I like that done to me?" E.g. do I like being woken up - no, do I like being made to wait for food - no, do I like being kept awake if I am sleepy - no, do I some days want more cuddles than others? - yes, am I a routine person? - no. I figure there is a good chance DD is similar to me so if I work out how I would feel and then treat her the same, is a good start. Other parents may answer those questions differently but that is fine their children are more likely to be like them.

Great rule, i might borrow that one.

Mrs Bexie, its ok if you don't know now how you are going to do things with baby next year or next month or next week, between the two of you you will work it out as you go along

[beckoes]

My personal rule which came up with after spending first couple of weeks feeling lost is "Would I like that done to me?" E.g. do I like being woken up - no, do I like being made to wait for food - no, do I like being kept awake if I am sleepy - no, do I some days want more cuddles than others? - yes, am I a routine person? - no. I figure there is a good chance DD is similar to me so if I work out how I would feel and then treat her the same, is a good start. Other parents may answer those questions differently but that is fine their children are more likely to be like them.

i love it! thats such a great way to explain it!