I don't have extensive experience with this as I only moved in with my DP a little under a month ago and only have one daughter who is younger (2.5) but I think it is probably important for your DP and DD to establish their own relationship so it isn't just an association through you, they need their own dynamic (with positive experiences) so that it isn't him vs her with you in the middle. Is there some things the 3 of you could do together as well as stuff they could do just the two of them? Another thing is possibly having him meet some of her needs so she can start to feel comfortable with the change in situation and secure in the knowledge that she has both of you to rely on, not just you with him as even an obstacle of that. I just mean things like he could help her get the drink she asks for or make breakfast for her etc. I think it might also be worth having him step back a bit on disciplinary areas, it is okay to have him back you up ie. if you say no to pre-dinner snacks than she tries to ask him, he would obviously support you in also explaining why she couldn't but it should definitely originate from you and he should never go beyond your stance at this point while things are still being established, especially if they aren't really having much of a one on one relationship than you don't want the majority of their interaction to be 'negative' or it would further the divide and reinforce the idea that her relationship with you is compromised by your relationship with him.
It must be really difficult for you to balance especially with DP's health challenges but I think you both probably need to be patient and understanding for a while as even though she is not a baby, she is still young and learning about emotions/how to handle them and this is a pretty big change for her. I would be trying to bring things back to her own feelings and thoughts ie. with the damaged chair explaining that you understand she is frustrated/angry/upset and would she like to talk about why because you would like to help and then discussing ways in which to express those feelings that are less destructive, just giving her an oppurtunity to help direct where things go from here so that it can be more positive for everyone and she is left feeling like her thoughts are important/valid. How are DS and DD1 going? Could they help to involve her in things with DP if they are all more comfortable together, maybe be a bit of the bridge between them to help overcome some of the difficulties of a previously childless 40yr old and 4yr old connecting? Would it help for the older two to even have a bit of a talk to DD2 about how she is feeling/helping her settle in more in some way? Maybe DP and the kids could all do something together if he isn't quite up to one on one with her yet - hide and seek or kicking a ball around or something fun to get a start on DD2 experiencing the positive side to the new arrangement.
Hope you can find a way for everyone to feel as if their needs are being met, including you! Being exhausted can't help in dealing with the frustrations of troubling behaviour and trying to mediate between everyone
Oh hunni. hugs...
I've said this to you before. This is what i was worried about.
Not only does DD have to deal with moving, moving away from her dad, her friends, into a new home that isn't hers, and now she has to 'share you', she is also dealing with your DP's illness as well. No wonder she is acting up...
With your last post, I suggest even more that your DP backs off on the parenting a bit, he has to build a trust and a relationship first. You know my history, i've done this from your DP side, and i've had my fair share of issues with the kids, but the relationship was built first... it needs to be a gradual slow process. Lots of talking lots of hugs.
I am even more worried with what you said about you "playing with her for a bit" and then going and sitting with DP... How isolating she would feel, being up in that big new (to her) house alone. Maybe it might be better for all three if DP came up to the living area's and you sat up there with him...
I do see how this looks but you'll all have to take my word for it that I'm not leaving dd upstairs on her own to play with matches or whatever. Thats not how out is though it may seem like that. It is the same as if I was working from home, I would have to go into an office to work occasionally and dd would have to be set up with colours, a movie...whatever. Well it is the same...I'm his carer, I'm given money by centrelink to be his carer. And I don't leave her for hours, I'm up and down all the time and I'm there in 2 seconds if she needs me.
I can't emphasise enough how much quality time I have with her, she is not neglected! What I need are ways to deal with the lies and destructive behaviour.
hugs hunni xoxox I wasn't having a go at you at all, and I am sorry if it came across that way. I was just replying to what I read. I know she isn't neglected. I was giving you another perspective from an outside view on why she could be behaving the way she does. Usually if we can understand the why, we can change the behaviour.
Oh sweety I know! I'm just frustrated because I've already thought about everything that everyone is saying, I've tried the suggestions (except her spending one on one time with dp) and I need some more ideas. I just feel really helpless
Kids are very good at finding ways to play parents off each other, so you and dp need a united front. He might need to step back a bit, but it sounds like you need to step forward too. So if dd is tantrum ing, he needs to support you and not have a go at her itms? I think he also needs to spend some time with her one on one. Children respect their carers when they know they can trust them and they are there for them.
I think it's problematic to expect your dd to not interrupt you and dp in another section of the house unless there is another carer for her. Is it possible to get someone to help you out with her each day?
I think her behavior will improve once she feels there I harmony in the house. Ime hostility only breeds hostility. Your dp needs to put his feelings aside and try and accept her for the innocent child she is....it's hard when he feels she is ruling the roost, but she is just trying to find some security.
In the same way Positivity breeds positivity. I wouldn't focus on the lying but rather on all the great things she does and when she's honest really praise her.
Good luck it sounds tough. I hope your dp is ok too. It sounds like this might be a bit much for him too.
no more advice just something I read where the kids have same bedtimes still...I dont see a problen with that its what works for you my sister has a 12, 8, 6 and almost 4 yr old I think they still all have same bedtime so 8 an 4 same bedtime no biggie
Thanks rach x dd1 has always wanted top go to bed later but I always said no so it would be easier. Its actually been a really easy transition thank goodness!
she seems great today, And next week the kids are home all day for holidays so hopefully things will right themselves...fingers crossed
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