Five Reasons to Stop Saying "Good Job!"

[Heaven]

So was I OP!! I'm not sure that no praise at all is the answer.

[Kazzo]

I would like to think that we should not cut out saying Good Job at all. I know how much I like hearing Good Job said to me. It would be to hard for me to stop saying it anyway. I do like some of the other phrases to use though instead so I think finding a good balance of praise might be easier.

[sloane]

i was the same - thinking what in the world am i meant to say instead. i need to think about this a bit more.

[~StarBright~]

Hmmmm, i can see where they are coming from, but i am guilty of praising alot!! DS even praises ME if i do something, with the exact words "good job mummy!!! Good work!!!" (i have only skimmed too, DS keeps jumping on me!!)

I dont know, i dont think i have seen it as a negative thing for DS.. he beams and says a big "Thank you" or even "your welcome" if i praise him, he has learned to acknowledge effort and to encourage good behaviour. He will tell me my paintings are " sooo beautiful" (the most gorgeous word he uses!!), he tells DD that she is very clever when she claps or stands on her own. I always thought that was a good thing!! I havent noticed that he NEEDS it to continue doing anything, but I will be taking abit more notice of how we interact and observe to see if maybe he does but I havent noticed!!!

[~ Mylitta ~]

That's a tough one to digest. Especially with a two year old. It might be a little easier with older children that are more able to understand spoken language and body language.

I'm trying to imagine different situations... So if Kyson drew a picture I would usually tell him how lovely it is and that he did a great job of drawing. He seems to feel pride about this and it makes him happy to have his work acknowledged. If I went by the article I guess I would have to just say something like "You drew a picture". I could ask about the picture, but at just over 2 he doesn't really seem to put much thought into what he's drawing, instead just enjoying the physical act of the drawing itself, and also the reaction he gets. I not sure he would continue drawing if he didn't get a reaction. So I guess in a way he is drawing for the "praise", but at least he's drawing and enjoying it...

I also think back to when I was young. If I was drawing a picture, I remember trying my best to draw something great so that I could get the praise. It didn't make me enjoy the drawing less. In fact, I think it made me enjoy it more because not only was I doing something fun, I was making my parents "happy" when I showed them what I had done.

I'm also trying to put that into adult perspective. One of my biggest gripes with one of my bosses was that he never gave praise for doing a good job. You could work your butt off all day and strive to do everything to the best of your ability, but you would get no more acknowledgement than the poor worker that slacked off all day and did the bare minimum to things done. I would have worked just as hard and enjoyed the work much more if at least once in a while I got a "good job".



EDIT: Lol, just reading back through my post and I've realised that I don't seem to have an opinion on the article, hehe. I'm not saying their studies are right or wrong, but I'm also not saying the tactic of less praise is right or wrong either

[onthefly]

The first time I came acros this it stumped me. What are you supposed to do? Most of us are raised like this. We're taught to think this way, by our parents, at school, at work even. But once I digested it it really made a lot of sense to me.

I like to acknowledge acomplishments, if DS does something exceptional or achieves somethign that was difficult. I like to describe what he's done, ask him about it, ask his opinion. And I thank him if he does something to please me.

I dont' think all priase is detrimental, but I do think it tends to be overused as a tool to manipulate children and after a while it becomes somewhat trite and meaningless.

[Just Me]

I looooooooooooove Alfie Kohn!!! I think it's brilliant

I struggled with it at first when I read it, but I think there is a lot of truth in it. I don't think it means that we don't acknowledge our kids or their accomplishments, but I think it is about not judging their accomplishments (or behaviour) but rather acknowledging it. It's also about teaching them to not seek approval from others but rather about them finding satisfaction in their choices, decisions and achievements on their own. Moving from eternal motivation to internal motivation. I also think this is how self esteem is built.

If you want to put this idea in context, he does talk more about it in his book (and there is a DVD he made by the same name) 'Unconditional Parenting'.

[berrme]

I'm also trying to put that into adult perspective. One of my biggest gripes with one of my bosses was that he never gave praise for doing a good job. You could work your butt off all day and strive to do everything to the best of your ability, but you would get no more acknowledgement than the poor worker that slacked off all day and did the bare minimum to things done. I would have worked just as hard and enjoyed the work much more if at least once in a while I got a "good job".

I thought the same thing. Perhaps it is unnecessary to thank a child for doing something nice to show them that what they did what they did was nice, but if I never got any appreciation for my efforts I would stop putting in the effort. Maybe my parents ruined me with praise?

I think what they really are getting at is to make sure your only words of praise aren't "good job". I think I do a lot more of what they are suggesting with my 4yo than with my 2yo because he has the comprehension and language skills to make it possible. He gets whole discussions about why it was nice to share the cookies around, or what is good about his drawings, etc. The boys don't just get "good job" after they have cleaned up their play doh... we have a chat about how good it is that the table is clean now and that the play doh won't dry out and get ruined. It is not something I have ever thought about doing, I just explain things alot.
So, I think the article is right in suggesting that too much hollow praise can be detrimental, but I don't think that all praise is bad. I just think we need to explain/ discuss what is good about children's achievements more rather than just saying they are good.

[Roryrory]

Surely as part of a balanced diet of modelling desirable behaviour, talking about desirable behaviour and reading about it in picture books, praise in itself is not an evil. IMO it's like salt. Yes, too much is not good for kids but as part of a balanced diet it is ok. As part of a balanced parenting repertoire aimed at developing social and emotional intelligence, praise can be used in moderation IMO.

And as the parent of three children, I will use whatever "manipulative" methods I can think of to stop older siblings from hurting my youngest. Frankly I don't care if my boys feel manipulated when I tell them that I am pleased at how gentle they are with their little sister or that it's great how they involve her in their games. Because I also tell them to watch how much she enjoys them, and to think about how she feels, and explain that we all get along better as a family when we co-operate.

ETA : I would also rather a child who grows up to be a praise junkie than an anti-social "a" who doesn't give a stuff about societal norms or other people's feelings. Therapy for being a praise junkie is probably easier to come by and less detrimental to society as a whole than therapy for someone who has never been told that what they are doing is good or bad.

Sorry, it's late and I am ranting a little

[misty]

I have read this article (or a similar one) before. It is well thought out and argued, but I must say that I do not agree with it in principle or practice. I don't have enough time to address it properly at the moment, but I will try and come back and outlay my reasons for disagreement when I do have more time..

[luna moth]

I love Alfie Kohn too, and while I support the idea, mostly, I also believe no praise is not the answer. Praise for the sake of praise, I acknowledge, is unnecessary, but there have be times when I might say "Wow! I love that picture you drew!" because I actually do love the picture.

If you pay attention to Eriksen's theories, which I do, then I hold to praising relevant actions. So in the autonomy stage, you praise actions of autonomy (or use phrases like "you did it!") and in the initiative stage, you praise initiative - a three year old canot be told often enough that "that was a good idea" - even if the execution leaves your kitchen floor covered in golden syrup.

But I have heard a lot of nonsensical praise in my time - good dancing, good clapping, etc. Completely unnecessary, and not helpful at all.

And at the end of the day, don't overthink it too much. Don't go out of your way to praise, don't stifle what comes naturally. Stressing over your words will NOT improve your parenting.

[onthefly]

Yeah, I think it's a good argument to think more about how we praise, rather than not praising at all.

DS gets this from daycare. A few times I've done something completely ordinary and he's turned around and said, Good job mummy, well done. And once he asked Dh what houses were made of and he said jelly. And DS said, That's right! Well done daddy.

[Arcadia]

I came across this quite a while ago and have tried to implement some of the ideas, including thinking before praising, but tbh I still have a praise junkie on my hands, who says 'good girl daddy' even. It's far more complicated in real life...

[MummyTummy]

Hmmm, certainly food for thought.

My initial thoughts are - I have a 2.75 yo with fairly limited language skills. Yes, I could sit there and ask him questions about "it" and I do, but he often lacks the words to respond and I see him getting a bit frustrated and confused by this. So I help him out by having my input in the form of praise or descriptive language, but that is exactly what this article is telling me not to do, or at least limit. And when he does exclaim "Yay, I did it!!' (or Yay, my did it!" in his exact words) then I do reinforce that. Which leads me on to my next thought....

Why do we have to consciously think about how our words and actions are affecting our children and their future? I love and respect my children, and so when they have little achievements, however small, I don't want to be thinking about how to phrase what I want to say to them in case i am making them a "praise junkie" or setting them up for a fall in their adult years. Yes the research is there, but aren't we all different and so will have different thoughts and reactions to praise, criticism or whatever. And having this diversity allows us to understand and be appreciative that we are all different and normal at the same time?

So, while I will file this article and these ideas in the back of my mind, and will draw on them as I see fit, I am not going to take it as a "must do this and not that". I'm going to follow my heart and intuition, because surely my love and respect for my children will guide them and me in just the right direction for us.

[Just Me]

Hmmm, certainly food for thought.

My initial thoughts are - I have a 2.75 yo with fairly limited language skills. Yes, I could sit there and ask him questions about "it" and I do, but he often lacks the words to respond and I see him getting a bit frustrated and confused by this. So I help him out by having my input in the form of praise or descriptive language, but that is exactly what this article is telling me not to do, or at least limit. And when he does exclaim "Yay, I did it!!' (or Yay, my did it!" in his exact words) then I do reinforce that. Which leads me on to my next thought....

Why do we have to consciously think about how our words and actions are affecting our children and their future? I love and respect my children, and so when they have little achievements, however small, I don't want to be thinking about how to phrase what I want to say to them in case i am making them a "praise junkie" or setting them up for a fall in their adult years. Yes the research is there, but aren't we all different and so will have different thoughts and reactions to praise, criticism or whatever. And having this diversity allows us to understand and be appreciative that we are all different and normal at the same time?

So, while I will file this article and these ideas in the back of my mind, and will draw on them as I see fit, I am not going to take it as a "must do this and not that". I'm going to follow my heart and intuition, because surely my love and respect for my children will guide them and me in just the right direction for us.

I don't think that Alfie means to not show genuine appreciation and excitement for your kids. In fact, I'm pretty sure that it's healthy and normal. I think it is okay to say 'Yay' or 'Wow' and I even say 'good' sometimes, but I am careful about how I use it.

In the start of his unconditional parenting book, he talks about a sitting next to a guy on a plane who leaned forward at the end of the trip and said to the parents 'Your little boy did such a good job during the flight. I didn't hear him the whole time.' Kohn delves deeper into what he actually meant by those words - it wasn't really that the little boy did anything, more that what the man said meant that their little boy didn't bother him. I think the motivation behind your words is a much bigger factor in what you are saying to your kids, than your words themselves, if that makes sense. I think genuine excitement and appreciation is a great thing for kids to experience


Someone also mentioned a parallel with our boss at work. I think the whole point of this style of parenting is that it is not a relationship with your kids similar to the one you have with your boss. UP (unconditional parenting) aims to eliminate the heirachial situation often found in families and focuses on the relationship itself. I think it aims to eliminate the need for your kids to have your praise and approval for the things they do. They do what they do because they are internally motivated and they have confidence in themselves no matter what others say. Praise is not always forthcoming in life so it is not good to be dependent on it but to know within yourself that what you are doing is okay is a pretty powerful thing to pass onto your kids. Eliminating the need to seek approval from other people is a great self confidence builder!

Having said that, I agree that everyone wants to be appreciated and acknowledged though. It's just not acknowledgement with a judgement of 'yes, you have done what I wanted you to do'. It's more an acknowledgement of a fact 'You have worked really hard today' or a motive 'I can see you tried to work really hard today'.

The other thing with praise is the assumed power position of the people who are offering the praise. By offering approval through praise, they are saying that they know best. UP encourages parents to work with their children rather than always doing things to their children. I think when you start working with your children it stops the power structure in families and everyone is on an even playing field because everyone is an equal.

I have to go because I have screaming baby but I hope some of that made sense