Five Reasons to Stop Saying "Good Job!"

[Arcadia]

Love your post FB...

I agree with berrme, the thing I hate about the phrase "good boy/girl" is it often sounds so patronising/

We certainly praise a lot in this house, but it is mostly "thank you" or "that was a very kind/caring/helpful etc thing to do".

[MummyNaomi]

I think there needs to be a balanced approach with praise and building self esteem though, I think sometimes if we build our kids up too much, they struggle when they fail or don't achieve something because they miss out on much wanted praise. I've seen this at work with some of the young kids that start - they are almost incapable of accepting constructive feedback or coaching and react very emotionally. I think we do our kids a disservice if we don't teach them how to accept praise and constructive criticism, they are both life skills, and obviously they need to be age appropriate but the foundation we set at an early age will be the legacy we give them.

My nieces - beautiful girls, clever, bright, much adored etc lack compassion for others because their parents have always told them how wonderful they are, and how clever they are, and how advanced they are, how hard working they are etc etc but given this message in the way of 'compared to <enter name here>'. They have a massive superiority complex. It's an ugly behaviour to observe in young girls.

I think building self esteem is a very important role of a parent - but we just need to be mindful of how we deliver this message to our kids. You can never say "I love you" or "Thank you" or "I'm proud of you" too often, but I think the praise needs to be genuine and not over the top (eg constant "Good Boy" for everything)

[~ Mylitta ~]

Naomi, I think you've hit the nail on the head there

Since reading this thread I've noticed how often I say "good boy", BUT I've also noticed how often I moderate the praise. For example, if Kyson does something but doesn't totally succeed, rather than just giving him a "good boy", I tell him how happy I am that he gave it a go, and explain that if he keeps practicing it will get better and better. I'm glad that this thread made me think about it because I've realised that I'm very happy with the way I handle "praise" with Kyson

Also, I completely agree that there are never too many "I love you" or "Thank you" or "I'm proud of you"

[Tinsel]

I saw this thread, went in and had a skim but ever since then I catch myself saying 'good job' and have a think about it.
I like giving praise to my girls. It's not always 'good job' but mostly 'thank you' etc like the posters above.

MummyNaomi, I completely agree with this "I think there needs to be a balanced approach with praise and building self esteem though, I think sometimes if we build our kids up too much, they struggle when they fail or don't achieve something because they miss out on much wanted praise."

It's like when we are toilet training, I don't want to put too much pressure on my girls with too much praise because they are sad and frustrated if they can't do it the next time.

[black_rose]

I would rather have a positive happy environment focusing on what my children do well and right rather and encouraging them to learn be good etc than being negative.

We have had issues with dd1 toilet training and if we are negative she gets scared to go and regresses so I would much rather be positive.

That said of course you need balance.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

One of my top phrases for DS atm is "it's OK, you just need more practice." He is more likely to attempt things now he knows it's OK to fail and try again. He is also more persistant. When he does suceed, I remind him how hard he worked for it so he knows that he built the skill and put in the effort, rather than it being inate.

However, in the car this weekend DS was avidly watching the TomTom and loving that it told us where to go with a picture of a car.

"Daddy! You need to go right. It says go right. You went right, good boy Daddy."

DH has a bee in his bonnet about "good" (which means quiet/obedient/not bothering him) and you can always tell when DS has had some "Daddy time"!

"Thanks for doing as I asked" is not the same as "good boy" but it is a lot easier to process for a child. They know exactly what they are being praised for and "good" is so undefined by most parents who use it that it is taken away with a "naughty" and what is the child supposed to believe then? Look at my mother - she used "good" and "clever" a lot - but when I got older, the put-downs were specific. I didn't have a building-up of specificness, just a generic "good" or "clever". Never praised for trying, just getting it right straight off OR not being a bother. Specific praises/put-downs stick with you more because you can relate them to your actions. And "you're supposed to be clever/a good child" negates every single "clever" or "good" praise ever given to some children. "You counted really well for me and are really getting on with your adding up" doesn't come into the same world as "you're having trouble putting your shoes on" so the lack of "cleverness/goodness" in shoe-putting-on doesn't negate the cleverness/goodness of maths.

[Rouge]

I think some people spend too much time over analysing things. This reads like a psychology thesis.

TBH I don't agree or disagree. I think of course too much praise is bad but then so is none at all. I think as parents it's our job to figure out what our children need. To connect with our children and see if they are children that have a love language that requires praise, or if they are the type of child that prefers not as much praise, or praise in a different way. As for zero praise. Yep sure, no worries. /sarcasm Then in 10 years we'll have the article that is "Five Reasons for saying "Good Job!" when too many kids grow up to be adults and blame their quirks and daily woes on the fact they were never praised as a child. I hate these articles TBH they are too general. And in this day and age when everyone is trying to do the best for their children they will take an article like this at face value and follow it to the letter thinking they are doing best for their child, rather than evaluating their children and what they need, and take bits and pieces that suit them and their families.

[NaeNae]

I skimmed the article tbh because I saw lots of "don't do this, this is bad" then there was very very little at the end on HOW to implement praise or other ways to acknowledge a job well done (there I said it :P )

I have read a lot of the responses though. I have been loaned his book "Unconditional Parenting" but am yet to crack the cover because at the end of the day when I have time to sit quietly and read, I am so tired I just go to bed.

I think the concept is a decent one and can see reasoning in the thinking. I am not sure I agree 100% nor disagree 100% as I think older kids are different to babies and toddlers. Developmentally playing with feet or clapping hands or even standing from a seated position is very very difficult when you have never done it before. Babies and toddlers do not really have the level of understand to accept " you touched your feet" but DO respond to an excited " WOW look at you standing, well done"

I can see a more balanced approach rather than over doing praise but still think that, especially when they are learning new things, a little praise goes a long way.

Nae x

[Crystalwings]

In my role working with children we studied and based our behavior management policy on the works of Louise Porter who is a recognized child Psychologist. Her theories are basically the same as this regarding praise and reward. The idea is to make children feel that what they are doing is of benefit to themselves and not to please others. I still say good girl to my daughter out of habit but then might say you must feel really proud of yourself for pulling up your own pants, or when you helped me pack away it meant we could read our story quicker. I do however think that praise and reward has a place.
I think it's just another thing to consider when parenting but doesn't have to be the be all and end all.
How am i promoting my child's self esteem by just saying 'good girl' when they do something that pleases us is something i think about. I think well what pleased me? instead of saying 'nice picture' saying "look you used "red and blue" paint. I love the way the colours have mixed together to make purple".
We all love praise but like others have said there are praise junkies out there. Children with low self esteem are particularly vulnerable to this. When we used to praise children's artwork in a more that's beautiful kind of way before we looked into this theory we had children who would paint the same thing over and over to get the praise again. Quite sad really.
I just think as with lots of child theories. Read it, take what applies to you and educate yourself so that you believe in what you are doing and why.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I am going to take back my earlier posts. Chatting to Liebs this morning, I asked if he preferred "good boy" or "well done" for praise. He told me that "good boy" was best. I am now going with "good boy" because that's what means the most to my son. "Good boy for..." by all means, but good boy all the same.

[Rouge]

You rock. I think if we empowered our children more to feel comfortable discussing how we communicate with them as well as their feelings we'd all be better off. Having said that, I do understand the smaller the child the less they are able to communicate that. xxx

[YoYo]

I saw this on a friends fb page the other day but didn't get to read it... It makes a lot of sense to me.... But breaking that 'good job' reinforcement will be a difficult one to break. I'll read all the replies later.


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[Jellybean29]

Opinion isn't science, just because the writer seems to lay out their idea logically so you think "oh that makes sense" doesn't mean it's actually correct. Where is the empirical evidence, where are the studies?

Generations and generations have been brought up with good job and I don't remember us being praisee junkies!

I think, until hard evidence says otherwise, better to follow your instincts with praise. Less harm will be caused by over praising then under praising imo

## Sent from my Samsung Galaxy S using Tapatalk, pls excuse spelling mistakes!! ##

[YoYo]

I was talking with mum about this tonight, and I think it's a bit like when you buy your kids too many 'treats' .... They stop becoming treats, and they are expected rather than earned and your kid flies off the handle if they don't get what they want.

I don't think positive reinforcement is 'wrong' but possibly over done, and I can understand the point of letting the child be proud of themselves on their own, and building their own self esteem, rather than building it up from what we say and expect from them.

I still haven't read all the replies but I will. but right now, it's bedtime!


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[Rouge]

I think the thing is, if you rely solely on one type of positive reinforcement it's probably never going to work. Especially if it's over done or not really needed. For example we may use praise, but we also communicate well, as well as teach our children to recognise their own achievements. For example I praised my children as toddlers when using the toilet properly but I wouldn't do that now because well that would just be creepy. I think it's more about showing appreciating in our house, as well as reinforcing a positive behaviour when they are unsure or are learning, as well as compliments... which IMO is good to learn. Nothing makes my gf's hearts melt more than when my 5 year old son comes and compliments them on how beautiful they look today, or how yummy a meal is. These are things he has learnt from his father as well as us showing him the same courtesy. I wonder how many adults would like to go through life without any feedback or positive reinforcements.

[YoYo]

I suppose too, praise doesn't roll off everyone's tongue like it's second nature.... Like those above who didn't get praised for a job well done at work. You have to realize in life that just because you think you've done a good job you aren't always going to be praised. You just have to believe in yourself that you have done a 'good job' and rely on your own self esteem to pump up your tyres! Which is why I do think that praise, OOT kinda stuff, shouldn't be over done..... I don't think that it shouldn't happen at all.


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[Mad Scientist]

I think it's a load of bollocks...

Totally agree. There are so many articles around like this that apply adult feelings and reactions to a child. The whole area of 'child psychology' leaves me cold. But that's me.

[Mad Scientist]

Opinion isn't science, just because the writer seems to lay out their idea logically so you think "oh that makes sense" doesn't mean it's actually correct. Where is the empirical evidence, where are the studies?

Generations and generations have been brought up with good job and I don't remember us being praisee junkies!

I think, until hard evidence says otherwise, better to follow your instincts with praise. Less harm will be caused by over praising then under praising imo

## Sent from my Samsung Galaxy S using Tapatalk, pls excuse spelling mistakes!! ##

Exactly. Whatever happened to commonsense. Everything is so 'overthought' these days. I mean do you really need someone to tell you that you are 'over praising' your child? Just another thing for mothers to worry about. Geez.