Giving Your Children The Things You Missed Out On As A Child.

[Roryrory]

Like Lara, the thing I wanted most was a sibling (ideally an older brother, but mum said I should have asked her sooner LOL!)

The only things I missed out on as a kid were a trip to Disneyland and a horse -I had it all. Private school at secondary level, Russian lessons, ballet, organ, guitar, piano, callisthenics, Brownies, horse riding, school camps, swimming, netball, hockey -anything. Mum was a single parent and sacrificed heaps to indulge my every desire. I didn't stick with any of it, mind you, but I had it all.

What I didn't have was holidays and time with mum and dad together. Aside from dad dying when I was nine, they were both always so busy working - mum cleaning the house and at her part-time job and dad at his job and doing renovations. We had one family holiday I can remember.

So for me, it's more about the lessons and schooling but more about the "family unit" activities that is my focus.

[Bathsheba]

Yes, that reminds me Rory: They say "A family that plays together stays together". My upbringing was an example of what not to do: play apart. My parents argued about who should have to take the kids with them every weekend... Mum wanted to play golf and dad wanted to sail. Neither particularly wanted us dumped with them. So usually we were taken around to grandparents or aunts and uncles while our parents played separately... or we had to hang around and amuse ourselves at the yacht club... sometimes we could go on the boat but mum didn't like that idea either apparently. No wonder they split. On the weekends we have been known to go on family trips to Savers (a big department store op shop) as a family activity LOL but at least we're doing it as a family

[kirsty_lee]

Just subscribing to the thread to reply to it later once dd is in bed and i'm sitting down with my cuppa. Must say Bath, a good thread! And i've read all the replies so far, looking forward to replying later xx

[shellbell3]

Growing up we didn't have much money so never had family holidays or outings that cost alot money so now as a mum I do find those things highly important. I want to take DD to shows/ concerts when they come out and expect us to go away at least once a year, doesn't have to be anything flash, just a few days somewhere in the same state and I'm happy.
I also have a thing with doing alot family things, anything, just a picnic or a drive somewhere, I think as I didn't have the perfect family setting growing up I am trying to recreate for myself and kids what I desperately wanted as a child.

[briggsy's girl]

i don't know that it's STUFF that we are trying to give DD as much as, has already been mentioned, a different relationship. she is involved (already) in most stuff we do. we co sleep for part of the night (with her cot in our room the rest of the night) - she is brought into our bed if she is upset, she gets snuggles in bed in the morning. but this isnt' JUST for DD - when my bro's kids stay over, they are allowed to come and climb in bed with us if they want as well - no idea what their parents do, but that's something we do. i never felt welcome in my parents room, and even if i had nightmares, i would hate telling mum and dad - i wouldn't get into bed with them because it just wasn't comforting, it was an inconvenience for them.

She is encouraged to join in when we're doing chores - yes, it sounds silly, but we weren't encouraged to join in - we were sent away UNLESS it was our own chore (dishes or vaccing) - when it was something we might be interested in but we might get in the way, we were sent away. i have absolutely HATED the last couple of weeks when we've had to send DD to granma's house so we could get the house organised for sale. it's just not something we can have her around for

we say i love you all the time. i don't remember my mum saying it to me until i was in my late teens - and then it felt tense. she is better now, but she still doesn't use the words, just the "well, you should KNOW i love you, i shouldn't have to tell you". hmmmm

we didn't have a lot of money growing up, and given recent developments, we probably won't have much for DD being raised. we won't go into debt to give her everything she wants - we will just do what we can to support her with the money we can spare at the time. i think it's more important for us, as a family unit, to be close and do family things (even if they're cheap and simple) than to cater to every whim.

having said that, i can't remember ever going to the zoo with my family (obviously i did as we have photos! lol) or doing anything like that, so i'm planning on doing those sorts of day trips with her when we can. i think the "adventure" of a train ride and trip to the zoo every now and then will be good for her. and i (personally) believe sometimes, even when money isn't fantastic, getting away from the stresses of home life is a great idea - hopefully when she is a little older we'll get Friends of the Zoo membership so that we can just jump on the train and make the trip to get away from things

[Indadhanu]

We're trying to give Jazz what I felt I didn't have... a household where she is respected and treated with dignity. A household free from violence, free from parents who call each other every name under the sun. We want to give her the knowledge that love is pure and true, and the person you love and spend your life with and raise a family with is someone you should hold in the highest light.
Memories of my parents are of them yelling, screaming, calling each other lazy and lots of words that would be beeped out. My dad threatened to leave every other week. They hit each other. I was always scared and dreaded my dad waking up each morning because sure enough he'd have something to yell or scream or carry on about.

We also hug and say I love you not just to her but to each other. Affection was always embarrasing to me until recently because of the way I was brought up, my parents never even said I loved you and were too embarrassed maybe to say it in front of us. They still do. I find it sad really...

[~Hestia~]

I'm looking forward to giving my DS a childhood free from anger & fear.
My dad died when I was very young & my mum took it badly. We never had any money, I used to hide the bills under the bed so she wouldn't get upset. We were left alone alot. I was a very nervous child, I was always worried about mum. DS is going to be allowed to be a kid!

Then there are the material things - we never went away anywhere or did anything. I was never allowed to take any classes or have new clothes. DS will not be spoiled but I look forward to being able to treat him.

[BrightSparkles]

Our girls will grow up having 2 parents who love and respect them. Dh's parents seperated when he was 2 (he has since never seen his dad) and mine when i was 4 (my dad is an abusive alcoholic whom I have no contact with and haven't since I was 15/16). We plan not not doing that and breaking that cycle of breakdown.
I'm always trying to arrange family thigns - game nights et so the girls will grow up with memories of family events. We always tell the girls we love them several times a day, we always have bedtime stories, cuddles in bed during the night or when its cold, sneak in before we go to bed and give them kisses and whisper goodnight. These are all things I wished I had.

[*Beema*]

Endless hugs, cuddles and kisses.... my family is not a kiss/hug family... and it makes me feel sad.... DH's is and it is something that I really struggled with for a long time, and I still do
We knew we were loved but there wasn't that physical connection, and I want DD to have that more than anything, we ensure that every night she is hugged and kissed, eskimos and butterflies and every morning lovely warm cuddles and kisses, and lots of hugs, cuddles and kisses when ever she wants them.

There are many other thigns but will have to come back and write them later as I need to go to bed

[kirsty_lee]

Ok, got a few minutes to post. Been actually thinking about this thread all night and I think you've done a really good job of making us 'think' bath ya' know?

So for me, it's not about material things kwim. My parents "bought me off" with material things as a way to not have to give anything emotionally of themselves. The rule in our household was always 'children should be seen and not heard' and if there was a party you were at and you weren't happily playing with the 5/6 year olds (even when you were like 11/12) god help you and try save you from the embarassing lecture you would recieve in front of everyone *shudder*. I never went without material wise, my parents quite often throw in my face that I was lucky cause i had a television in my room at the age of 2 My parents were great when you were a baby, but come a certain age you were just another annoyance, which they made very clear. I mean, don't get me wrong Ava never goes without she has toys and stuff, but luckily for me she loves to read and learn stuff so I can much better see $$ going towards a book or a puzzle etc, rather than a barbie.

So for me, I guess the one thing that I want to make sure Ava has is a house filled with lots of love where she's not accompaning her mother to pubs or putting up with verbal or emotional or physical abuse. A household where her opinions are just as valuable as the next persons and where she is respected. Don't get me wrong, I completely understand why parents spoil (for lack of a better word) their children with toys etc that they never had as a kid. I think it's magic watching a child play with new toys etc Or even sending their children to the best school around even if it means not being able to do things like go on holidays or buy nice things etc. Cause I mean, at the end of the day our children are our number one priorities and we want the absolute best for them. I always promise myself that Ava will have a much better life than what I had and her children will have an even better life than she had, just to break that cycle ya' know. One of my main fears though is not living vicariously through my children though and I am sure most people, especially ones from abusive homes, strive to not do that ya' know. Of course I don't want her to miss out on opportunities that I as a child missed out on, but I worry that I will struggle to find that balance ya' know? like, i worry about crossing the line into 'forcing' them to do things they don't want to do just because i never got to do it no matter whether it makes them happy or not kwim? Cause we as parents 'know best'.... hmm just thinking out loud now i think LOL ... again... great thread, and I have loved seeing the replies..

[Just Me]

Mine is much like Leasha's (sounds like we could have grown up in the same house) - we are trying to raise our kids where they are free to voice an opinion different to our own and no-one is going to get angry or fly into a rage. We are trying to be gentle parents - free from smacking, yelling and insults as a way of control. Actually we are trying to give up the whole concept of 'control' in parenting since I believe that the only person you can truly control is yourself ... my parents were huge control freaks. We are giving them a home where it belongs to them as much as to us - it is not DH and mine and everybody has to do what we say - it is our family home.

I read earlier this year in a parenting book something very interesting -

Sometimes we're so concerned about giving our children what we never had growing up, we neglect to give them what we did have growing up.

James Dobson.

I thought that was interesting food for thought - we sometimes strive so hard to be different to our parents we do forget about all the great things that they did for us. It certainly made me reflect a bit on my parenting and I shared it with my Mum. I think she feels like I reject her parenting outright (which I probably do to an extent) but it gave me a chance to talk and think about all the great things that happened to me growing up that I want to share with my kids.

[widdly]

i have enjoyed reading through this thread.

THe things I felt i missed out on was quality one on one time with my parents. DS is now an only child so he gets all the attention, though Id rather he had a sibling. I also missed out on travel and things like theme parks. Myself and XH plan to give DS a lot of experiences through travel when he is a litle older. Another one is cool clothes. I had hand me downs and ugly stuff that was way out of fashion. I plan on letting DS have plenty of 'name brand' stuff when he is older if he wishes (though he will be made to earn these).

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

DS has cars and trains... something I missed out on growing up as Mum said they weren't for girls! I love playing with them now. I remember being left to CIO because Mum was looking after my little sister: DS has no CIO, no little sister. I let DS help with the shopping, something Mum was always a bit too precious about. Same as housework.

I listen to DS. I spend time with him. Those two things I did feel were lacking. Oh yes, and DS gets explainations that do not begin and end with the word "because" and I will never tell him to do as I say, not as I do. He als0 has a piano in the house... something I longed for as a child! That and boy toys were the only physical things I wanted as a child. I also allow him to pick things, such as what is for dinner once a week, that were "adult" decisions and I didn't have a say in. I am also consistant. DS knows that what I say now, I will say in five years time. I won't tell him stories of him being "cute" years ago then tell him off for doing the same two minutes later! I also realise that "answering back" isn't rude: it's an attempt to define boundaries, get consistant answers and understand the world. I remember my frustration at rules changing every two minutes and being told off and clouted because I wanted things defined! Yes, it's frustrating. But it's called LEARNING and is important. (Having said that, if DS is very awake and DH is away we will have an exciting "film night" and dance around the sitting room every once in a while for my sanity, but the odd special treat doesn't mean the regular rules aren't there, just that you learn when to bend them!)

[Mum2SweetCs]

Another thing is grandparents.

We grew up not knowing our grandparents because they died during the war. I remember when my classmates have show and tell and they said they visited their nan/pop, I was so envious.

When my friends were angry at their grandparents, i use to always think "at least you have them"

DD spends alot of time with my parents and we try to go visit DH's parents in Melbourne as often as we can.

She's very lucky to have them and a part of me feels resolved seeing how much DD adores her grandparents and knowing she has experienced having them

[Glamourcide]

Am busy making dinner right now, am just subbing as I want to come back later and read this thread properly... the whole 'giving kids what I missed out on as a kid' is driving me NUTS atm as DH grew up 'dirt poor' and spoils the girls rotten... not always a positive thing in my book, especially leading up to DD1's birthday next week :/ BBL!

[Lulu]

Very true Bath. My greatest memories are of our yearly holidays to Queenscliff - the first 2 weeks of the school year (easier to get time off work) so we had the entire beach to ourselves.

I probably could have done without the dancing, tennis and piano lessons as long as we still had those holidays.