I dont like to parent like this but i dont know what else to do. Debrief and advice.

[onthefly]

I think talking through her feelings is a good idea - model it so she gets the idea. When you xxxx, I feel xxxxx. It really, really helps them to have language to express their frustrations. It takes a lot of work to get to that point, but it's worth it.
If you're out, then leaving is an excellent example of a 'natural consequence' of antisocial behaviour. It's not a punishment, it's simply what has to happen to keep everyone safe.

[beckoes]

so we sat down today and had a big talk, while soing some drawing, about stuff. daddy working, babies, moving, mummy etc etc. i think she is starting to realise that she is going to have to share everything with her sister and isnt too keen on that, so we made a box of special things that were just for her to keep them safe and away from baby. she liked that. she misses daddy, i knew that anyway, but we just had a good chat about it. she cried a bit so its clearly a huge thing for her. i cant stop her missing him and clearly cant distract her no matter what i try, so i guess its just something to get used to. also she thinks that if i ask her not to do something or warn her to be carfull that im telling her off and we wont be best friends any more, so i think i need to work on the tone i talk in, i must sound cross or something.
we had a good day, no more hitting.she understands the toy thing, and she only has her favourite toys left out so she doesnt want to loose them. and actually it kinda worked well, now there arnt so many toys and crap out eveywhere she played on her own for a while with what was left and it was nice to have a bit of alone time, for her and me. thanks for all the input and ideas ladies!! good to add a few things to the 'tool box'!!