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Thread: I feel like a complete failure as a mum

  1. #19

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    Awww hun I think you're an awesome mummy and you and your DH are a great team. DD is a high energy kid and DS is normally a cruiser. Today just sucked but tomorrow is another day. I was thinking the same thing as SS in terms of a wonder week for DS (there's one around the 12 week mark I think but your DS could be a little early). I was also thinking along the lines of Marcellus - you're in good company with kids who don't sleep well during the day or want to go down on time at night.



    I think DD is probably feeling a bit insecure about her relationship with you guys since DS arrived. She's seeking reassurance, even by saying no ALL the time and being mean to DS. Are you guys trying to get regular one on one time with her? One thing that worked recently with DS's night waking was to stand or sit in the doorway of his room with our backs to him. Sounds horrible when I write it like that but that was after lots of cuddles etc and he was still standing up in the cot and screaming. He settled down when we stood in the doorway and gave verbal reassurance when needed but he wasn't being stimulated by eye contact or having us too close etc. I know your DD is in a bed but maybe something along these lines would help reassure her that you're still around and able to respond to her, even though (she knows) DS also needs attention at night time?

    Take it easy on yourself hun. Today wasn't a great day but it's not really a reflection on your mothering skills. Bad days are part of the package. FWIW, I have also whacked DS's head a few times in the car when feeding him and regularly feel like I'm going a round with Jean Claude Van Dam when DS is on the change table. I hope tomorrow is a much better day for everyone.

    ETA: Snap olive. Well, not really, I was agonising over my words and you posted pretty much what I was trying to explain!

  2. #20

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    I was going to suggest leaving the door open a bit too?

  3. #21

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    hugs hun
    you are not a crap mum- NOT AT ALL
    you just had a crap day
    had plenty of them- and they are normal to have
    but today was a reality check for you today- all days arnt gonna be great
    and we cant parent the way we want to all the time
    some days you just have to write them off and know that you will start again tommorow!!!
    get a swing for MR and that may give you another tool for the trick box
    time to get some more tricks up the sleeve for Ms I as well
    maybe start a reward thing with her- she is a smart cookie and will pick it up quick, just as she picked up the consequences thing quick- start small and work up- short attention - quick reward

    Some days its about survival !!!!!!!! hang in there - and get some rest
    know that i am just a phone call away- hugs

  4. #22

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    Ladies, thanks. I've been doing a bit of googling and i think we need to tweak our bedtime routine... She's possibly getting too hyped up right before we put her to bed.

    We've always closed the door - but maybe it's time to try leaving it open a bit.

    I just read on raisingchildren dot net that some kids cry to the point of vomitting and if that happens you should clean it up as quicky and quietly as possible and then return them to bed

    That's terrible and so not ok IMO. So glad there is bellybelly where other people will think that is not ok!

    Anyway... So tomorrow we will try more quiet time before bed, a night light and leaving the door open. Might also suggest to DH that he sits with her. Olive - where did you sit? On the floor next to the cot?

    Kaz - more one on one with DD might be a good idea. It depends a lot though on DS. If he is up with us at 7am then generally he won't sleep for more than 20mins til late.

    But i need to try.

    So now to bed myself. Tomorrow is a new day. New attitude. I will be patient and not get angry with DD. I will try and get that swing for DS and not stress about him sleeping. I will find time to spend with DD one on one.

    Tomorrow is a new day.

  5. #23

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    and if it all goes pear shape- chuck the kids in the pram and go for a walk- good for them and good for you!!!
    Another tool for the trick book!!!

  6. #24

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    Of course you aren't a bad Mum.

    One thing I was told that stuck with me when I was pregnant with DD was this. Remember that #1 has been just that for a long while #1. Before your DS came along your DD got what she wanted, when she wanted it....Now all of a sudden, she has to wait. She has to entertain herself a bit. She has to share the biggest most important person in her life. YOU. Go easy on yourself, and her. She is little and she cannot understand as well as you the demands of your DS. She doesn't get why, so do try and cut her some slack (within reason of course). Your DS will be #2 for ever, he will never know the difference so putting him down a little more, or finding ways to get him sleeping without too much settling by you might help. He will always know that he has to share you with DD....he has from his day dot!

    With my two, I have issues at times (as we all do) but I do try hard to spend as much one on one time with my DS as possible. I put my DD to sleep in her pram, so I get DS to help me push her around...and while we do, we talk. He is helping and he loves it (granted he is older than your DD but he has had me alone for longer too!) When I'm changing my DD on her change table, DS stands in her cot and watches and we talk and giggle at DD while she's being changed. He even got a toy chicken and decided it was HIS baby and puts a nappy on it when I'm changing DD, and baths the chicken, and wraps it in a towel!

    Just try and find a little bit of tiime for your DD, and maybe mellow out the bedtime routine a little too. Like everyone else before me has said 'this too shall pass'

  7. #25

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    OMG I could have written your post!!!! Big Big HUGE the PP's have all had some great suggestions. I hope you find a solution soon. xxx

  8. #26

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    Couldn't read and not post something.

    You're a fantastic mummy OP!!

    I don't have a toddler so have no advice unfortunately but just wanted to say you're doing a fabulous job.

    Sue xxx

  9. #27

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    OP - hope you've all had an ok night! I just wanted to share that my DD1 who is 4 still insists on having the door open whilst she falls asleep. We have tried all sorts of routines, suggestions etc and this is what works best for us. She really struggled when DD2 came along and we had all sorts of issues regarding bedtime. Initially I had to sit by the bed and gradually move out of the room (as Olive has described). I was really angry and annoyed as I had to spend quite a bit of time doing this and would feel like I went between the 2 kids for about 4 hours. It did get better and I ended up reading books to fill the time I spent there. I really wish I had listened to my instincts about what would work rather than changing to suit what other people suggested. So trust in yourself, you are a great mum.
    xxxxx

  10. #28

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    OP i sat about 1.5 metres away, sat against her chest of drawers, she could see my profile and tahts it, i didnt look at her, i didnt lay her back down or anything (then again shes still in the cot so cant escape..yet) i just sat there, over time she settled much quicker. i didnt talk to her either!, she was never upset, just happy t chat etc

  11. #29

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    Sunshine, Sue, thanks ladies. Means a lot.

    Yules - I try to get her involved with him but she doesn't seem quite interested yet. Maybe an age thing?

    I totally get what you are saying about her being number 1. I will try to remember that. She gets a lot of playtime with DH, I'd assumed that would be enough but I guess not... It's about me too right?

    Mak - thanks, good to know it may work tonight with the door open. I'm worried she will get out of bed though, did your DD try that? What do I do if she does? Just put her back??

    Olive - thanks hun. Might be trying that tonight too.

    We were all awake at 4.30am today. DD was quite upset and calling out for daddy. He got her, I got DS who had woken for a feed. Not sure why DD woke up - at what age do they start getting scared overnight? Having bad dreams?

    She was easy enough to settle and seems quite happy this morning. DH just got her to lie still for a nappy change with the promise of a sti let reward. Good tip thanks det!

  12. #30

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    It is definitely about you too! See you're a great Mum and your DD is trying to tell you that

  13. #31

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    We started having to sit with her as she was hysterical at the thought of leaving me to go to bed. I am not sure if that applies to you tho? Inorder to get her to go to bed - I'd ask her to come and have special Mummy and Zoe time. So we had a book and then a chat about the day. I always tried to talk about the good stuff we had done and my plans for the next day. At the end of this I'd tell her I loved her and why - so some nice things she'd done etc. Then I'd say it is bed time and that I was going to sit etc. I simply gave her the choice of me sitting with her, but no talking to her or getting up and down etc otherwise I would leave. We then extended it to leaving the door open - so say it is bedtime and that if she got up etc we would say we'd shut the door. We never had to do any of these things as she always wanted the alternative, IYKWIM. The time between leaving, sitting etc got much quicker as she was more used to the routine of it all. The special time also seemed to be a selling point. I spent heaps of time with her during the day, DD2 pretty much got ignored but pointing it out helped her a bit I think. HTH. xxx

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