I think I'm a better mother because I go to work

[sushee]

I really enjoy my job and am good at it, but would have preferred more time at home with my son, as opposed to having to leave him when he was quite young (aged 2). I didn't really struggle for stimulation - I was quite active on BB at the time, and was a moderator as well so between that and home, I had a lot to keep me occupied.

And though I didn't want to return to work, when I did, I worked very hard and spent a lot of time at it, building my career. I'm not one to do anything half-arsed really. I feel regret now that I lost so much time with my son when I was working 12 hour days (and continue to now, for that matter) but I understand that by working like I did, I gave my family opportunities that the man in the family usually would deliver. My XH took a backseat with his career and spent more time caring for the children than I did, because I gave him the ability to do so.

I am comflicted as to whether this makes me a better parent, but I think it makes me *a* parent who fulfilled a role usually assumed by the man. I accept that assuming this role has given me options too once XH and I split that many women don't have, but again, that was a matter of circumstance, not choice.

I think I may have gone off tangent too, but was typing out loud. I guess what I'm trying to say is: I enjoy working, I believe that my work ethic is an excellent example for my kids, I believe I'm a positive role model my daughter and sons, and I think that returning to work was, overall, a positive thing for me and my family, but I still wish I'd had more time at home with my son before he started school.

[Indadhanu]

I loved being a SAHM, and enjoy my role working in a Kindy. It does make me a better mum because I appreciate my time more, as a SAHM I found myself bored sometimes when I should have been enjoying my daughter, and I missed so much time since starting working but love the time I do get with her now so... working has made me a better mum because I have had to spend time away from her and embrace the moments we get together, even the challenging ones. I would rather not have to leave my daughter to go to work, I would rather be a SAHM, but the choices best for my family and for our daughter was for my partner to be a SAHM too and be able to form that intimate connection with her. We had already decided this when I was pregnant, we feel this is the best way to raise our family, so I went back to work when DD was 14 months old. We continued our breastfeeding journey for another 12 months, and I think my partner and I have an appreciation for each other and for the different roles (working compared to SAH) that we both wouldn't have gotten.

[Stevie]

i love that i work. it absolutely has given me alot more patience and appreciation for whats at home.
BUT, i do envy SAHM i would give anything to be able to stay at home with DD every day and watch her grow but unfortunately financially we needed me back at work. i went back to work when she was not quite 6 months old (she's 2.5 now..) i felt guilt for a VERY long time, its prob been only in the last 6 months that the guilt has subsided to just a dull ache, because i can see she is doing amazing, and i think she enjoys spending time with everyone else too.

Im doing everything in my power to give my family everything we deserve, she isnt in DC though she gets to spend alot of one on one time with DH (who works FIFO) and she would probably get more one o one time with him than some kids would get with a dad that works 5 days a week and then she gets alot of time with nan and pa!

i like working because i get to be 'stevie' for 5 hours a day 3 days a week. it keeps me sane but at the sam time i do appreciate my time with her (not more than any other mother would) but i try to make the most of everything.

[Amity]

I'm an absolutely TERRIBLE stay at home parent. I HAVE to work. I simply cannot stand being at home - it drives me crazy. I was back at work when my sons were 3 months old. Both of them were in daycare.

Don't get me wrong - I love them to bits. I just don't have it in me to be a stay at home parent with a newborn. Or a sub four year old, really. I love the ages my sons are at now. I'd be a SAHM now, without blinking, (if I had a DH/DP who earned enough lol!), but probably only part time. I need to work. My personal integrity and personal self-worth is wholly tied up in my professional reputation. I am who I am because of what I do. It's a particularly masculine trait.

Which is why, if someone challenges my professional or personal integrity, I find it really challenging to deal with. It affects me more than most people I know.

So, yes, I agree with the statement that I'm a better mother because I go to work.

[little_mrs]

Well said, and I feel the same! While I love my time home with dd I am so much more patient and attentive because it's not a day in day out routine. I'm lucky enough to have an even split, I work 3 days then have 4 off, which means she gets a good mix of mum&dad, just mum, just dad (shift worker, so he's sometimes on days off with her when I'm at work) and daycare. I think she's alot more easygoing because of it, and spending a few days a week with other people and kids is great for her development (and my sanity)

[Trillian]

I can totally understand the sentiment Fiona. Dh and I always planned for me to be a SAHM, we are in a position where I can do it BUT my youngest is going to be five this year and off to school next year so WTF do I do with my time then? When he wasn't even 2 I decided that I wanted to study to give myself an interest outside of parenting because the kids were getting older and *needing* me less ITMS. Being a SAHM is a very fullfilling and rewarding thing to do - while they are little, but as they get older it gets immensely easier and your time becomes your own again. I needed more than just being a mum and that's why study appealed. Plus I also thought that there is no way known I could have all the kids at school and just sit at home all day. I'm not one to do all these 'lady' things in the town where I live like play basketball on a wednesday morning, or do endless coffees or lunches down the street with friends, and I'm not a gardener, so once I'd have the housework done my life would be boring as bat**** quite frankly. Yeah I'm involved in various committees, but I needed something more than that. So the plan is for me to get my degree and become a teacher, get either full or part time work that works in around when the kids need me - not much point being a SAHM when I don't have any kids at home during the day anymore IMO. I think it will make for a better life for everyone in our family. I see it as being a natural progression of sorts.

[Maruschke]

Isn't it weird how set the parenting roles are. Do we EVER ask MEN this question - are you a better father because you go to work?

I am suited to working and DH is suited to being the stay at home dad. Works FANTASTIC for us. And some people are disappointed in us for our choices, but I say, be negative, be disappointed, be judgemental and critical all you like. We are doing what works best for us and if you don't like it you can STFU!

We're all different people, made up in different ways, with our own unique strengths and weaknesses. There is not one "best" way to be a mother, and the assumption that the best mothers are the stay at home kind is just excrement of the bovine kind.

[sloane]

My personal integrity and personal self-worth is wholly tied up in my professional reputation. I am who I am because of what I do.

this has been my greatest struggle in staying home. i've felt that im without an identity at times & still struggle to feel like im doing an ok job without formal feedback etv

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[nothing2lose]

I can say that working outside the home has definitely made me a better parent. I too went back to work when DD was a couple of months old. It wasn't my choice and it was hard but I did what I had to do at the time.

But being a working parent with a career has meant that I have the economic freedom to be able to provide for my child. Me. No one else. I have never relied on a man (or anyone else) for money. I am independent. So when the relationship between me and DD's biological father ended when she was two, instead of facing money problems and debt, my financial situation actually improved. Economic self sufficiency is very important in my opinion.

I don't receive child support, any FAO/Centrelink benefits, am not independently wealthy, nor do I have a money tree growing outside my front door, so I work.

[onthefly]

That's a good point M! I guess we are seen as the primary carer, though, so perhaps that's why? I think dads have a far more important role to play in nurturing than is often recognised, though.

I'm glad people feel good about the way they parent - whether working outside the home or not. For me, I became a better mother when I stopped working full time. Now I have taken on study and volunteer work which is compatible with being a full-time mum. It's a kind of win-win. So there are other options around if you lack the stimulation of having other work and adult time, but want to spend more time with your kids (and don't need the income, obviously, as volunteering doesn't pay too well).