My DD 'talks back' and I am happy about it!!

[Rouge]

I always say to my kids. It's not what you say but how you say it. And my kids have learnt how to communicate respectfully this way. And the same goes for me.

[~clover~]

Has anyone found that this doesn't work for all kids? My 2 oldest kids have very different perfferent personalities.

DD1 can be disrespectful, but nothing compared to alot of other kids I've seen & heard. Yet she isn't outside the home. She knows its not acceptabble with her teachers & all other adults etc, she just doesn't seem to think it applies so much to me. I think its her personality. Her father was exactly the same. Though she has alot more respect for me than her father had/has for his mother.

DD2 though, is different. She see's DD1's attitude & tries to copy, but knows its not accepted & doesn't push it nearly as far..

I've seen alot of kids grow up with parents who seem to have raised their kids similar to the way you are, but during their teen years they went through hell with their kids. Above & beyond disrespectful (13 year old telling his mother to shut up & get in the house after she told him not to go driving around with his 21 year old mate at 9pm).

I think some people start out with this approach, but then forget to make sure the respect is going both ways & they lose all control. There needs to still be that line between parents & children.

I dunno, parenting is hard at the best of times

[onthefly]

In my experience, kids talk to us in the same way that we talk to them.

[~clover~]

In my experience, kids talk to us in the same way that we talk to them.

I think they are definetely shown this behaviour. Not always from the person on the recieving end of it though.

[Shanti]

Great thread Heaven!

My DD1 is the same! And I see it as a positive thing too. She will say things like "but mum I was wanting to wear those shoes that's not fair of you!" and "you aren't listening to me and I am trying to talk to you" which says to me that this little 3yr old is a person with rights, wants, needs and deserves respect.

We also try to parent uncondionally and without rewards, bribes or punishments. Sometimes that's hard to do but we are always conscious of it. Sometimes we use timeout but we say "please go to your room to calm yourself down and think about how you hurt your sister". I think that's respectful and we all need to do that sometimes even as adults

I think it's wrong when parents seem to have a power thing over their kids as in authoritarian parenting styles because it just creates a constant struggle then! Must be stressful? Might make the kids think "mum and dad don't care about my feelings or my say?" I remember feeling a bit this way growing up. It was frustrating at times.

We don't allow our DD1 to talk disrespectfully to us and if she does (ie. dad get me a milk!) she is very quickly put in her place. ("A it is NOT ok to talk to me like that, please use manners")

[Maruschke]

I think it's wrong when parents seem to have a power thing over their kids as in authoritarian parenting styles because it just creates a constant struggle then! Must be stressful? Might make the kids think "mum and dad don't care about my feelings or my say?" I remember feeling a bit this way growing up. It was frustrating at times.

LOL what? Not all parents who have authoritarian elements in their parenting are in a constant struggle, not everyone finds it stressful, or have kids who think that mum and dad don't care about their feelings.

There are so many ways of parenting, and what works for one child won't work for another, even within the one family. But until you've peeked into their homes and hearts, and see how it works for THEM, you really can't comment on how much of a stress or struggle it is.

Is it right or wrong? I don't think anyone really gets to make that call. Especially people who don't see how you do it in action. That's why, despite having a different perspective to Heaven, I never said her style is wrong, I just said it would work differently in our house.

We really need to end this "right / wrong", "I approve / I disapprove" judgment when it comes to parenting. So long as parents are loving, informed, doing what works for them and their kids, they aren't "wrong".

[Rouge]

She's talking about how she was parented. I think that's allowed. Not you or me or anyone else. Her experiences. I think that's ok.

[Jellyfish]

I think a lot of people don't understand the approach and think of it as being a push over or letting the kids run the show and do whatever they want. We definitely still have boundaries here. Who is to say how any form of parenting will work out long term? In the end you just have to do what you feel comfortable with and think will work out for the best based on what you know.