Raising Girls

[nothing2lose]

The things that worry me the most are youth suicide, cyber bullying, getting in a car with a drunk yob, drug/alcohol addiction.

[anney]

N2l, I agree on your list of worries. Getting into a car with someone alcohol/ drug affected and drug addiction and youth suicide my biggest fears. My dd is 10 also and those things don't seem so far away.

[~clover~]

Thats something I talk about with my kids too. Drink driving. They are NOT to get in a car with someone who's been drinking. I think I may have said one or 2 is ok, but preferably none. And that if they can't get home from where ever beacuse there isn't a sober driver, to ring me. Anywhere, any time. No questions. And peer pressure to try drugs. I avoided giving in to that sort of thing & I hope they can too. I haven't started talking about drugs yet though, because thats not something I do, so its not something in their world yet for me to talk about. If it comes up, I'll talk about it. If it doesn't, I'll wait til they're a bit older & have heard about it to start talking about it.

Cyber bullying I haven't really thought about yet. We haven't entered the world of facebook or anything like that yet. But it is something that won't be done without me right there, knowing everything. DD1 tells me more than I ever told my mum, so I hope that keeps up.

My biggest fear is them ending up in a relationship like ours was. And my DS being on of those men.

I talk. I don't stop. My mum didn't tell me much about the ways of the world. My mums attitude was always that if a woman got hit she did something to deserve it. Learn to clean properly if you want to keep your man happy. I partly blame mum & dad for me staying in my relationship as long as I did.

Having 3 girls really scares me. But hopefully, a good relationship with them & education about the real world (with in reason) is going to be good enough.

[LuluHB]

Do you think your fears (and I say "your" to everyone, not N2L's specifically) are a reflection of your own experiences? I think mine are and I wonder if I have a balanced view, or if what I think the girls need to learn will be too coloured by those experiences IYKWIM

[nothing2lose]

Speaking for myself, I don't think so Lulu. I think my fears are more based on what I see in the media. It all seems so close to home

[~clover~]

For me, personal experience is a huge part of it. But also the experiences of friends & family, as well as what I hear happening in the world.

[anney]

My fears are definitely based on my experience. A friend of mine lost her 20 year old daughter as she got into a car doing a maccas run after a whole lot of uni friends had been sitting around at someone's house drinking. Innocent fun, wrong decision, wet bendy road and a pole! So many lives affected.
And I see so many kids from "good" families trying drugs. I was never tempted but They are everywhere now. I just don't know how our kids can avoid them.

[fionas]

That's just awful anney.

I guess those are the things that worry me the most - the one mistake kind of situations. Getting into a car with a drunken driver. As much as we told DSD NOT to do this and to call us or call a cab and we'd pay no matter how drunk she was or what time of night it was, teenagers sometimes make mistakes and/or sometimes like to take risks.

The body image/cyber bullying worries me less because I feel like I have a little more control over that. I can raise DD to have a healthy body image and give her guidance about what to do about cyber bullying. Plus, we live in a community where other parents' values are similar to our own and we're not surrounded by billboards with advertising using skinny girls and their sexuality to sell a product. If my DDs were bullied at school, chances are we would have known the other kid for years and go and have a chat with them and their parents.

[Rouge]

It's funny I fear more for my son than I do my daughter. We talk often about drugs/alcohol, sex and body image. She has some really healthy views. We also talk about bullying. She has certainly combatted it at school. And if I knew how she was able to do that so successfully I would pass it on. I dunno maybe it's because all her life other kids have questioned her likes, styles etc (being slightly alternative in comparison to the other kids) she doesn't see being different. I think if someone called her fat she'd laugh in their face, and then probably give them a lecture on different body shapes. I remember a kid once telling her she was too white. And she turned around and said that was stupid and it would be like her telling this girl her shoes were boy shoes. The girl then freaked and complimented DD on her hair... that confused DD. I had to explain to her that sometimes people say things without thinking, and I think this girl was complimenting her as an apology. The saddest part is that DD was in grade 1 at the time, the girl who said this was in grade 5. People used to call her weird all the time. Now she says "Thank You" or says "Ew you're normal."

She's quite the activist though, and often rants at her little brother about race, religion and even same sex marriage.

I think it's important to teach our children that kids say stupid things unintentionally. A good friend of mine's little girl once asked DS why I was fat. DS got really upset. I answered the question honestly and told DS it wasn't something to get upset about. Fat is a word, and that there is nothing wrong with asking questions. Ironically a few weeks ago the little girls' sibling said something to her and she got upset and said "Are you calling me fat?" and I said "Sweetie you are perfect. And besides there's nothing wrong with being bigger, I am." She got really upset and yelled at me "YOU ARE NOT FAT! You are one of the most beautiful people I know." I said to her "Sweetie, you can be bigger and beautiful. Fat is not a bad word unless it's said badly or taken badly." The problem is people associate the word with UGLY. It is not. I am not. Just like these days Skinny is becoming the same way. When I was a kid Skinny was a compliment. Now it's not. Now it is just as offensive as calling someone fat. I teach my children to challenge others way of thinking. And I try and do that with all the kids around me. I normalise words.

Another instance with my DS (and I know this is a thread about girls, but it relates) he was playing with a bunch of kids at a family reunion and they were playing on a big slide. He kept falling off and they would laugh. Now when someone laughs at another it isn't out of maliciousness, but it is hurtful. He came inside all upset. And said he was embarressed. I told him to laugh first. Then he wouldn't feel like they were laughing at him. And from that moment on he did that and it was fine. Sometimes we enable negative behaviour in others. And I want my kids to know that too. Confidence is something I need to help them learn, not just through my words but through my own actions and how I feel about myself.

Internet safety has been a common topic of discussion with DD. How dangerous things can be online. How it is permanent. How there are cyber bullies. How not to feed the trolls. How a photo can ruin a person's career etc. etc. She may be only 10 (nearly 11) but if I normalise this way of thinking now it won't be so threatening to her when she's faced with it. And she'll have a higher chance of survival.

One of my biggest tips for parents of girls, is provide them with a village of other women that you respect. Consider strong and positive influences. And have them be a part of their lives. DD is very lucky to have this, and she knows that it's perfectly ok to talk to any of them about anything. Just as boys need positive role models so do our girls.

[~Kim~]

That's a fair list N2L. I have to say, I agree with every one of those. My big girls only 6 but it seems those things will be here far too soon.

Lulu, I guess so. The body image thing for me is coming from a family where women have seriously crappy body image. Even my SIL and MIL are the same. With other things it's the media, but then I had a career that centred on many of the bad things we worry about.

So true about the village Rouge. I had one growing up. They are all still a part of my life (even from many 000's of kms away). I guess subconsciously that's what I've been trying to create for my girls.

As an aside, DS is currently seriously outnumbered. DH works away, so with me, his sisters, heck even the chooks....anyway, today I asked him how he might feel if he got another sister. First he got all excited and said "do you have another baby in your tummy???", then when I said no, he said 'oh, well then I'm moving my seat into the boot!' lol.

[Ilithyia]

Great to see such a positive response to the thread Essentially, we are all in the same boat

Call me naive, but I try not to focus too much on the drinking, drugs, getting into cars stuff just yet. I am grossly aware of it as, once upon a time, I played with the same fire.

At the moment, I am really trying to focus on the here and now. Its that which is giving us the most grief at the moment and I fear my head would explode if I brought into other aspects which may not occur for some years yet.

From what I can tell, my Daughters are quite confident little women and aren't too easily lead by outside influences such as body image, bullying etc. This may all change when we move to a bigger school soon however. I do believe that little girls and young women can be easily influenced by the school mates etc however I also believe that a mother and father have a huge influence on how their daughters perceive themselves. I myself am not what some would call "model material" but I am fairly happy with how I am. I am naked a lot of the time in front of the girls and I keep minimal secrets regarding my own body as I they themselves are going to grow into a similiar woman themselves one day.

I think when you sit down and really analyse what it means to raise a daughter in todays society, its quite a complex issue. Parenting itself, to me, is quite a complex issue. I just try and do the best I can with the knowledge etc that I have at the time. I do also agree with what Heaven has said about being aware of your own issues, be a sh*t day or a body image issue, as it is something that can impact on the relationship we have with our daughters.

Right now, the biggest issue I am stuggling with, is that my daughters seems to have no respect for me (and DP) as parents. This then reflects onto other adults who are around them. I am truely struggling with how to deal with this. I don't like to smack my girls but there have been times where I have been pushed and pushed and pushed to a point where I've needed to give them a smack on the butt and send them to their rooms. I'm seriously at a loss as to how I get the respect I deserve.

[~clover~]

I have the same problem Sara. I feel I'm not respected enough by DD1. But even though she talks back & has very strong oppinions on what she thinks is unfair in life, she does do as she's told. She's still a little so & so, but if I've asked for chores to be done, she'll roll her eyes & do it.

My brother & I were both scared of mum & dad. We never dared to talk back. It just wasn't something we did. But now I see that we are both push overs. I just left an abusive relationship. He's in an abusive relationship. Yet my sister, who had cheek, is pretty strong willed & won't take crap from everyone.

My kids may talk back to me, but they don't dare outside the house to anyone else. Not teachers or other family. They are all PERFECT when I'm not around I've had plenty of kids around who aren't so polite.

[phebee]

I have 1 daughter =) that I can tell is already a strong willed little thing =). but it is still early days for me yet, but would love to know what I'm up against in the future

Exactly this for me too. I'm in!

[diannescruffy]

I'm having huge problems with DD11, she's going through puberty so she's been extremely moody, talks back, wont do as she's told but the biggest problem is school. For the last few weeks she comes home and tells me about some tiff with the girls, they are so *****y and catty, never had these problems with the boys. DD4 just wants to be a big girl like her sister.

Regards,
Dianne

[veus]

Regarding body image, I am finding some of the girls at DD's school are having a very negative influence. She weighs around 30kgs and is around 150cm and she has been called "fat" by bullies

It seems it is a throw away line designed to hurt.

She has not one ounce of fat on her. It makes me sooooooo angry.

That is awful! Tell them I'm abt the same height and triple the weight so this massive giant is comig for them.

[Footsteps]

N2l - that is scary. Iv spent years being bullied due to a jaw deformity. I'm having surgery but its going to take 15 hours because the amount of work needed. People don't realize how hurtful they can be. Girls IV noticed can be sooo nasty. X

[veus]

Rogue: your dd sounds awesome!